My DH is being the great white knight... and I'm tired of it.

[worrywortisworrying]

I do 100% of childcare. All of it.

But, consequently, when my DH appears, my DCs go mental because Daddy, the FUN parent, has arrived.

I am so tired of him overriding me. I will say that DS can't have a treat. He will say that he can. I will say DD can't have a story, he will say that she can.

I am the one who has to deal with the fall out through out the night (he does not DO nights) and during the day (he works, I'm a SAHM).

I am so tired of him getting all the good stuff and me dealing with the tantrums / over tired children / night stresses / early mornings.

He's done it again tonight. They are still up now. He is 'reading' to them. Except he's not. I can hear them screaching around the bedroom. Soon, He will get bored and stressed and I'll have to put them to bed. And deal with them through the night. And when they wake up at 6am. And all of tomorrow. Until it's time for FUN DADDDY again.

I am tired of this.

White knight - no he is so far from being called that.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Yes YOU.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up and what do you want to teach your children re same?. These children are being imparted damaging lessons.

What do YOU feel about him when you look at him and see what he does?. He creates more work for you, not less.

Do you not think it is strange that you have never been in either of DHs cars?.

This is at heart about power and control; at present there is a massive power imbalance in your relationship in his favour. This will not be easily rectified because he does not want to give that up.

This is no life for you is it?. And your children are also on the receiving ends of his crap behaviour as well. Have they travelled in his vehicle?.

Sole counselling for yourself would be an excellent idea. Joint counselling is a non starter because I doubt he would attend any sessions anyway. He wants to keep you in the hole you have partially dug and are growing flowers in for your own self.

DS has been in one of them. I don't think DD has been in either of them.

He won't pay for a cleaner. I am planning a babysitter from September as I want to do a spanish class. I signed up last term, and for the 4 weeks after, DH couldn't get home in time for me to go.

I don't know how to deal with it. If he read this, he'd say it was all my fault. He thinks I'm a fat alcoholic (I'm a size 12, but do drink). If I gave up altogether, then He couldn't level that at me any more. I guess this is what I should do.

Oh, and there's these handy things called taxi's when your own car is broken and the family can afford three!

Homebird - thanks, but taxis aren't really an option. DS has autism. He refuses to wear a seat belt in a strange car. And, now he is 4, most taxis won't take him unless he wears a seat belt. It's more hassle than it's worth.

How could it possibly be all your fault?

Why would you want to stay with someone who calls you a fat alcoholic?

I'm sure you would find it much easier to stop drinking if you didn't have to cope with such a horrible partner.

Do you drink during the day, Worry?

Does he call you these names or do you think he would?

No, but I often have a drink with the children's dinner (around 5pm) and yesterday, I had a (large) glass of wine with the children's lunch (had had a VERY HORRIBLE morning and it was wine or tears. I decided wine was better)

I DO use wine as a crutch. I'm not denying that whatsoever. I spend quite a large proportion of my life close to tears. Most of this is due to DS, though, not DH.

Oh dear. He's done a real number on you I agree with others that counselling (for you, not joint) is needed as he seems to have ground down your self-worth to nothing. You're actually accepting his terrible behaviour towards you and your children! He doesn't appear to value you. Do you think he loves you?

A drink of wine in the evening is ok, but if you are starting to need it to get through the day then you need to speak to someone about it. Now before it gets worse.

And your DH needs to support you more so you don't feel so alone.

Can you talk to him about how you feel?

And don't dismiss the therapeutic value of a good bout of crying.

Is your DS in school?

Okay, for a start, see if you can hold off on the wine until the children are in bed. I know it might be hard some days I sometimes use wine as a crutch too, believe me but I think it's a bit safer to keep it in the 'winding down after a hard day' category, rather than the 'need it to get through the day' category.

I'm sorry things with DS are so tough. Is there any way to get more support?

I can't imagine having DH act this way is helping matters.

What do you think about counseling? For you, I mean.

Honestly, you'd be far better off as a single mother to your two children and I never write that at all lightly. Abusive men always but always make it out to be the other person's fault. You are being systematically and deliberately ground down by your H till and now he has you at this low point in your life.

So I repeat, what do you get out of this relationship now?. Something is keeping you trapped within this, what is it?.

As you have not answered that question I presume for you it is nothing. There is nothing for you in this relationship, your H only cares about his own mean self.

He thinks you are a fat alcoholic (insulting to say the very least and I would not call size 12 fat at all), does not allow you to use his cars, plays "good cop" to children and winds them up and prevents you from attending Spanish class by I would argue deliberately getting home late so you could not attend. BTW I think he will kick up a stink re your plan to get a babysitter in so you can attend class. He wants to keep you in the hole he has dug for you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; both of them are being imparted damaging lessons.

DS and school is a whole other box of frogs.

The short answer right now is no.

Does he normally get home on time? Was it unusual for him to be late so that you could not go to your class?

You need to speak to someone, either a counsellor, or your GP. Or even a good friend. Do you have any RL support?

Re your DS, post and keep posting on the Special Needs: children section of this website. It is an invaluable resource and it will help both you and your son.

Have you also talked to the National Autistic Society?.

There is no benefit to you to stay in this relationship. None whatsoever. I am doing shock this face at the idea that there is a car sitting on the drive which you are not allowed to use so you have to walk everywhere. This man does not respect you or love you. That's the bottom line. Your function in life, to him, is domestic appliance.

If he really thought you were an alcoholic and he was a responsible human being, he would be: a) supporting you in not drinking, b) ensuring that the children are properly cared for by someone who is not an alcoholic.
He doesn't care about you or the children.

What support do you get with your DS?
What right has he to not pay for a taxi etc? None, he could have provided you with a car, he choose not to.

To be honest in your situation I would probably take his shiney car, and scratch it, but then I am petty sometimes. He is supposed to be your partner, not your boss or your Dad. He does sound like a waste of space.

Forget what I said earlier, now you have shared more details, particularly round the not getting home in time for your spanish classes this guy seems more abusive than just being obtuse.

I still think that counselling on your own is needed. He is not going to react kindly to any idea of change and whilst you disagree with his method of interaction with the DCs the fact that he does choose to spend time with them means that he is going to react badly to any reduction to this.

You sound tired and ground down so doing big things may feel beyond you right now. If so start with small steps.

Definitely see if you can cut out on the day time drinking. If you feel you need a crutch you could try St Johns Wort, bit of a natural pick me up though takes a few weeks to work ( warning does not interact well with oral contraceptives so worth speaking to your doctor if you are on anything).

Arrange the babysitter for the class and see how that goes.

If you don't take any exercise you could start doing some run jogging. It has the benefit that it can be done at any time - so you can remove yourself at bedtime - and means that even if your H arrives home late then you can still go. It might also give you some energy to help with everything else and improve your body self image.

Pick up the phone or google counsellors in the area. I'm not sure how much it costs but if your H is controlling with finances you could maybe withdraw money as part of the shopping to cover the costs. I had counselling over the phone and it helped me enormously ( smaller scale problem though) so that might be an option if its hard for you to get there in person.

worrywort Can you please read Why Does He Do That? (by Lundy Bancroft) it will really help you to see that this is not YOU, this is not about you.

You are in a deeply flawed and abusive relationship. The winding the kids up? typical. My Ex used to do it too. I was called an alcoholic every time I had a drink that was not going to lead to having sex with him.

I used to live totally isolated and thousands of miles away from home. I too was in utter despair mostly and unable to leave the house for weeks at a time. I used to smoke cannabis to escape. Others I have since come across in similar situations used to use sleeping tablets. Had I been in a country where alcohol was readily available, and what you could get didn't taste like paint stripper, I would have drunk my way through the whole 3 years. PLEASE, don't berate yourself, you know what you are doing and why. Now you can dig deep and try to get a grip on it. One day at a time. Start with no drinking until the kids are in bed. You can do this.

You are being really honest with yourself, this is great, really helpful to you. It will be hard for you to do, but really, you will recover from this and now that you have opened up to us, and to yourself you have started on your journey to a happier life, whatever that goes on to mean.

Now the sad bit... the situation with your 'H' won't ever improve. You won't be able to sit him down and rationally explain that you would "Rather like a life please, if that is ok with him and doesn't put him out in anyway, thank you very much"

Trust me. I spent 3 years begging my Ex. he listened, but nothing ever changed because it would put HIM out to have to pitch in, step up and take over from you so that you get YOUR own free time.

My Ex was crap in many ways, but he never begrudged me the use of his cars. The situation you describe there is chilling tbh.

Please get the book and read it. Power and Control, why charming men make dangerous loves is also a good book to ready, albeit so scarily accurate it's a little unnerving at times - but helpful.

You also should try to attend the Freedom Programme in time, when you are ready, it will help you to hear the stories of others and see that you are not alone.

You have us here too, never forget that. If I can be on any use either in public forum on in PM, don't hesitate?

What else has "Sir" told you you aren't allowed to to OP?

You ok op?

I have only skimmed, and no time for lengthy post, but at your OH.

Obviously 'fat alcoholic' is a stupid and nasty thing to say, but do you think he could have a point about your drinking? Is that the reason he doesn't want you to drive?

It's not normal to feel you need to drink to get through the day, or to be close to tears all/most of the time. Not saying this to criticise you, or to excuse your husband's treatment of you, I just think you sound like you need some help, and maybe counselling would be worth trying.

I'm sorry OP he sounds dreadful. Very quick post here, but he is no white knght, he is horribly controlling. I am shocked that you are having to put up with such second rate treatment. I really hope you're ok.

I know in reality this would not be helpful at all but can you imagine in your head taking his bloody pristine pfb of a car and driving it into a local pond, getting out and throwing the keys in after it?
No practical help at all, but wow, he sounds like a tosser.