My DH is being the great white knight... and I'm tired of it.

[worrywortisworrying]

I do 100% of childcare. All of it.

But, consequently, when my DH appears, my DCs go mental because Daddy, the FUN parent, has arrived.

I am so tired of him overriding me. I will say that DS can't have a treat. He will say that he can. I will say DD can't have a story, he will say that she can.

I am the one who has to deal with the fall out through out the night (he does not DO nights) and during the day (he works, I'm a SAHM).

I am so tired of him getting all the good stuff and me dealing with the tantrums / over tired children / night stresses / early mornings.

He's done it again tonight. They are still up now. He is 'reading' to them. Except he's not. I can hear them screaching around the bedroom. Soon, He will get bored and stressed and I'll have to put them to bed. And deal with them through the night. And when they wake up at 6am. And all of tomorrow. Until it's time for FUN DADDDY again.

I am tired of this.

I think one poster specifically suggested that the op may a tally have a drink problem. Most other people who mentioned her alcohol consumption (several didn't at all, including me) suggested it was a crutch, a medication to help her through the unhappiness caused by her husband.

Whilst alcohol cessation support and good counselling might be hard/expensive to obtain that doesn't mean it is necessarily bad advice.

How? well lots of posters have said go to the GP.
When? Someone suggested phone help if she cannot get out.

It's not about fault or not fault. OP has posted various posts about being unhappy. Only she can change her life because her DH apparently is not sitting up and saying, DW is unhappy, how can I help her feel better and make my children's life better.

oh, and the reason this thread moved on was because lots of posters came on and said, oh yes, my DH did this, I went out and left him to deal with the over excited DC/mess he causes and that sorted it. OP then went on to tell us how this is impossible in her relationship because DH goes apeshit even if she goes to bed early and sabotages her efforts to get out. Thus, once people realised the life she is living and that alcohol looks like it is beginning to become a coping strategy, they began to make helpful suggestions.

chub, Whilst alcohol cessation support and good counselling might be hard/expensive to obtain that doesn't mean it is necessarily bad advice. you just did it again.

I haven't advised the op once to get those things, let alone twice. I simply made the point that where they are appropriate they are a good idea regardless of whether they are easily available. Can you honestly disagree?

Perhaps instead of picking holes in other peoples posts you could try coming up with some advice for the op? You reckon ours is crap. Your turn.

where they are appropriate they are a good idea regardless of whether they are easily available. Can you honestly disagree?

can you stop repeating and being confrontational?

I'm not being confrontational. You've come on this thread without a word for the op to have a go about what other people have posted. If you've nothing constructive to say, how about not bothering, eh?

Do you live in the uk?

"Oh, I should mention: there is a car sitting on our driveway. Only, I'm not allowed use it. Well, DH didn't actually say no. But he refused to say yes either, when I asked."

WTAF???!!!

Your relationship is dysfunctional. You do all the childcare and you're not allowed to use the car? That's actual real abuse.

Look, let's make this simple.

Your husband is an abusive arse. You have no need to justify or defend yourself, no one here is blaming you for anything. You need to get yourself and your kids out of this abusive situation, a situation caused by your husband. Can you see that?

UA and Chub - thankyou both of taking time to reply. I appreciate both of your views. I don't think I need expensive alcohol cessation help just yet, but seeing it written down in black and white, and thinking about it... I do use alcohol as a crutch and would be helpful for me to stop doing that. So, I think looking at some other coping strategies is something I will look into now.

OP, I think you have so many problems with your husband that I don't really know where to start.

Can you visualise a life apart from him? How do you think it would be?

The problem here is not your alcohol consumption OP

I really hope you come to the point where you arecable to see that and act on it.

Hello Worry,

I hope you can feel my support and sisterly hugs coming at you. You really deserve some respect for your integrity and honesty. I can understand why you are on the verge of tears much of the time - it sounds like your confidence is very low and you seem to blame yourself for the situation. You find it hard to see the magnitude of the problems you are facing. Understandably, there is a big part of you that does not want to see the scale of it. I agree with other posters - HE is the problem. It is difficult for you to see this because it sounds like you are a kind and decent person and a really caring mother who cannot believe that somebody else (your husband, no less) can be so vicious and unkind.

You may be drinking more than you wish to and you may be using it to get you through bad days, but the truth is the reason you feel like this is that you are trying to cope with a very bad situation, and to work out why someone who is supposed to love you is treating you so badly.

Your DH is not treating you how you deserve to be treated. You deserve respect and consideration and love. You are not getting these things. He has been undermining you and gradually eroding your self-respect to the point that you almost believe that you must be to blame for everything that goes wrong.

You know deep, deep down that he is attacking your very self. You are under attack and you know that there is something deeply, deeply wrong with that but you are unable to identify your enemy. You do not want to think that the enemy is him and therefore you are in denial.

It may be hard to read those words, and you may feel under attack when you see them. I promise you that is not the case - I am not criticising you. I was in deep denial in a similar situation - I hated the fact that I had shut down my feelings but it is a basic survival mechanism, a coping mechanism. You are doing what you can to cope and survive. Just by sharing your story on MN you are taking a really important step in building up your strength and moving forward to the next stage. You will be fearful. Taking the next step will be scary - but you are pretty scared already I think.

I understand this as I have been there myself until recently. You cannot bear to think that the man who you promised to love forever, and who promised to love you forever is, in fact, terrorising you. But you are clever, you are strong and there is something inside you that is resisting. You have a small voice inside you going 'No! This is NOT right'. Hold onto that voice. It will get louder and let it give you strength. Do you have any RL friends that you can share this with? People who love you will believe and you come to your aid. You need to find some support and to realise that what you are experiencing is real and NOT acceptable. You are not making this up.

Other posters are right, but you can't see it yet. The problem is not your drinking. The solution is not for you to stop drinking, because you know if you did that your DH would move on and attack you on some other false premise. For whatever reason he wants to subordinate and control you, even if it means breaking you. Do not waste time trying to work out why that is. You may never know. Just know that it is unhealthy for you or your children to be in this hostile environment.

You deserve so much better and you can cope, even if it means being a single parent. Nothing is as frightening as continuing to live as you are at the moment - it may just take a little while to recognise that. MNers on this thread are behind you all the way.

OP, please will you stop focussing on what people are saying about your drinking and read what they're saying about how your DH is abusing you.

The only coping strategy you need is to get away from him. Why should you need a strategy to cope with your own husband? He should be your crutch, not your reason for needing one!!

Your drinking is not the problem here. Your dysfunctional relationship and abusive husband are the problems.

To be fair, Annie, the majority of the stress I feel on a day to day basis comes from DS.

he has HFA and (I think) ADHD. Everything is hard work. It takes so long just to do the most mundane of tasks and I've given up doing anything that isn't centred on him / the kids (so, getting hair done, legs waxed, buying clothes... It just doesn't happen).

I can't ask friends to watch my kids, as DS is too unpredictable and neither can I offer to watch other people's kids (well, I used to offer, but it's clear that most people would prefer not to leave their kids here). We hardly do any socialising, because DS doesn't like it, and to be honest, it's just too stressful. The day I had a glass of wine at lunchtime was my DS's last gym class before summer and they put on a little 'show' DS lost the plot and I can hear the other parents tutting. One woman actually muttered 'Nothing a bloody good hiding wouldn't solve'. I couldn't retaliate. My eyes were stinging and speaking would have had me in tears.

I'm not saying all of this to deflect from how things are with DH. I know it's not right. We had a massive fitted wardrobe delivered recently, and ALL of the space is his, for his clothes. I have a handful, which generally live down the side of DD's chest of drawers Just writing that down makes me realise how awful it is.

Trouble is, the kids much prefer my DH to me. I'm the one that shouts at them, makes them brush their teeth and eat their dinner. I'm not the fun one who buys them magazines.

I'm so sorry OP, life sounds really hard for you

I see what you're saying about stress coming from your DS, but surely the situation with your husband doesn't help at all. Not only does he not share that stress and try to help you, he actually adds to your stress and makes you feel terrible about yourself.

The fact that he has a whole wardrobe to himself while your clothes get shoved in somewhere says it all really.

I actually think the parenting could become more equal if you split. Presuming he had them to himself on weekends, he would have to do all the good AND bad finally, not just be the fun guy. Meanwhile, you could have a regular break from all the stress, which would probably help you stay more even-keeled during the week.

Your kids do not prefer him to you. You have the deep, meaningful relationship with them. He's a bit of fun, made more desirable because he's uncontainable.

I think you're in the phase whereby you're still making excuses for him because you haven't quite had your lightbulb moment yet. You know things are very, very wrong but you can't quite accept that you would be so much happier without him. Tbh I find this frustrating, reading your account of how you have been belittled by him so very cruelly, but I do understand, having been in a similar relationship.

My advice is for you to keep posting and to read back what you've written, as if they were from somebody else. Start planning for a life without him because you will most definitely have that moment when you realise enough is enough. Life is short. You are living yours only to the extent that he lets you, which is morally repugnant.

Don't think you're staying with him for the sake of the kids. I'm sure you really don't want them to grow up with this man for a role model. Would you want your son treating his wife like this? Would you want your daughter keeping her clothes down the side of her child's drawers because her husband refused to let her share the wardrobe??

I feel so very angry for you.

That is so crap (for you to deal with).

That mother making the 'good hiding' comment should have got a slap herself, what a stupid and naive thing to say.

Do you ever challenge your DH? e.g 'where are my clothes supposed to go?'

My kids prefer my DH to me because I do all the boring stuff and he does all the fun stuff too. I even threaten them when they're messing around - 'do you want daddy to help you or mummy'! because I know they'll say daddy, but then they have to get on with it - this is for getting in the bath, getting dressed, brushing teeth. I do set it up sometimes if DH is home and ask them who they want to get them dressed/bath them/brush their teeth then send them to DH to ask/tell him.

worry - the problem, I suspect, is not so much your DS, but the lack of support you get in caring for your DS. I don't have a child with SN, but if I did, thinking about coping with the additional issues alone, while my DH pushed me to one side and swanned on with his life, is beyond comprehension.

Your DS has two parents. The stress shouldn't be all on you. As other posters have said, the DCs only 'prefer' him because he's more of a buddy than a parent. Which is inexcusible.

I hope you come to realise that you deserve better from your partner. Think a little about everything that the word "partner" implies. Is he one?

My son is autistic too OP.

I manage with him much easier as a single parent.

My son has aspergers but a friend of mine's son sounds very much like yours. She is having her 4th baby and is worried he'll try to kill this one like he did the last! He's been ok on meds but they want to take him off them for some reason? She has a dh too but he's not that much help tbh?

I agree you'd be better off alone. He'd have the dcs weekends. You can then have a life.

Do you tell your real life friends what's going on? Or anyone in the family?

Would you be able to get out for a couple of hours a week to do a p/t job or get a hobby? Art or anything, even a book club?

You really need to start thinking of yourself chick. You don't sound like you have a life but are merely existing and trying to keep the status quo all the time? This isn't fair on you or your other dc.

Oh I had someone come up to me once when ds2 was little and we were in the supermarket. He was screeching as usual and she told me to shut him up. The anger in her face She soon shut up when I told her to 'fuck right off or you'll be the one screeching' She scurried off in shock. I must admit I should probably have just ignored her but it's stressful enough having to cope with the noise and try to concentrate on shopping.

When I was on maternity leave with DS2, DH seemed to think that the roles were that I looked after the DC, and he went out and earned the crust. Trouble was, that he seemed to think that it meant I was on duty 24/7 and he worked a 35 hour week. I was absolutely exhausted.

My DH isn't generally malicious or abusive - it was just how thought it should be, and fair enough, I wouldn't expect him to get up with the kids in the middle of the night when he was working the next day, but there came a point when I was so completely tired and burnt out, that I told him he needed to start pulling his weight at the weekends.

To his credit, he did, but it did involve a fair amount of nagging to get him to step up to begin with. Could it be that your DH just needs a wake up call and needs to be told he has to help out more in the evening / at weekends?