My DH is being the great white knight... and I'm tired of it.

[worrywortisworrying]

I do 100% of childcare. All of it.

But, consequently, when my DH appears, my DCs go mental because Daddy, the FUN parent, has arrived.

I am so tired of him overriding me. I will say that DS can't have a treat. He will say that he can. I will say DD can't have a story, he will say that she can.

I am the one who has to deal with the fall out through out the night (he does not DO nights) and during the day (he works, I'm a SAHM).

I am so tired of him getting all the good stuff and me dealing with the tantrums / over tired children / night stresses / early mornings.

He's done it again tonight. They are still up now. He is 'reading' to them. Except he's not. I can hear them screaching around the bedroom. Soon, He will get bored and stressed and I'll have to put them to bed. And deal with them through the night. And when they wake up at 6am. And all of tomorrow. Until it's time for FUN DADDDY again.

I am tired of this.

Putting aside whether he is abusive or not...

A decent man who cares about you and loves you would notice/hear your unhappiness and do what he could to alleviate it.

Yes family life is stressful and exhausting for all parents so in some ways it's just life - but his unspeakably selfish and uncaring attitude will be compouding this.

I work FT, big stressful job - I do nights, mornings and bedtime with the kids, plus housework etc when I am at home (dh is SAHD). Working full time and bringing in the bacon, as I do, IS NO EXCUSE - IT IS BULLSHIT. AND YOUR LOT IS HARDER THAN HIS - WAY HARDER!

Wow, just wow. He is a nasty piece or work.

You do seem to be edging towards alcohol being a bit of a problem (drink myself of an evening, so not judging you in any way), although I assume he doesn't know (and doesn't NEED to know) about your occasional lunchtime drink?

I think you need to see your GP and talk through some of this - it sounds like you are struggling to cope, and I wonder if anti-depressants might be of use to you in the short term. I would say though, don't tell your husband if you do see the GP or if you start ADs as he will only use it as a stick to beat you with. Also talk to your GP/health visitor about support with your son.

Please talk this through with someone in real life - family, friend, good neighbour even - and phone Women's Aid to talk to them. You are being abused here - so many classic signs - you need to be able to see that too.

As others have said, the car issue and bedtime issue are just evidence of his flawed personality, rather than isolated issues themselves. However, I would say that if you did take his precious car out and kerbed or bumped it - would that really be so bad? Yes, he would be pissed off, but hey ho, he's got another car to get around in!

I hope the scales will fall from your eyes soon. Your life is not going to improve with this man, you need to decide what is in yours and your childrens best interests for the future. Personally, I think that would be as a single parent to your children, but that is a decision only you can make, and really only when you appreciate what he really is.

Ephiny - It's got nothing to do with me not driving his cars. I normally have a car of my own, It's just off the road (actually, it's back now).

I do believe, though, that the only way forward is to be SEEN never to drink. While I do, it's always going to be used as the reason he acts like he does. I wonder what he (and alot of MNers) will blame me for then?

So, you will see, that I don't believe there is a problem, but it's something you can batter someone with.

ANd, before any of you get ahead of yourselves: It was a service. Standard service.

See this is what always happens, it always ends up with me trying to defend myself.

My husband, by the way, also drinks. He went to the football recently and didn't call home for 4 days. No one ever seems to think that's an issue.

What was a standard service? Oh the reason your car was off the road. Oh even so you should have had access to a car if there was one sat on the drive.

He went to the football recently and didn't call home for 4 days.

I think you have much bigger problems than your husband winding the kids up before bedtime

Sorry OP, who here is blaming you for anything? I think we all agree that your husband is massively unreasonable and you are obviously trying to cope as well as you can.

Drinking during the day is not a good sign. But I blame your husband for that because I think if you were with someone more supportive and less of a jerk, you wouldn't be so stressed and near tears all the time.

Please don't take suggestions to drink less as criticism. It is meant as supportive advice, I'm sure.

I would actually disagree that the solution is to be seen to drink less. I think that as a grown woman you should be free to drink or not drink as you see fit. The solution is to get rid of your husband, then you can do what you like.

"My husband, by the way, also drinks. He went to the football recently and didn't call home for 4 days. No one ever seems to think that's an issue."

This is the problem! We are all saying quite loudly that he is the problem.

Maybe you do need to cut down on drinking, but that could be quite simple without someone as controlling as him around.

Wouldn't it be nice to have your own money and not to have to account for it, or your use of time to him?

And who on earth doesn't think it's an issue that your husband doesn't call home for 4 days? They are also part of the problem. Don't listen to them.

Yes OP, if you got shot of him then I'm sure you wouldn't need to numb yourself quite so much.

It's HIM sweetheart not you.

Your DH may be a fun dad but what kind of partner and husband is he, because it sounds like he's basically a children's entertainer. He doesn't seem to do any parenting - discipline, routines? does he do any housework? do you spend any time together as a couple, enjoying each other's company?

You don't have to live like this.

My love, there is no reason for you to defend anyone, least of all yourself. Not one person here is attacking YOU.

They are horrified at the imbalance in your relationship and at the sadness you are experiencing.

It's OK, it might feel as though you are having to defend yourself, it's a shock to realise that you are in a relationship that is so wrong. NONE of it however is your fault love. Not a jot.

In a normal relationship you WOULD be granted access to your H's car, any of them and all of them.

You would not be called FAT at a sized 12, nor would the amount you drink even if substantial be thrown at you as an insult.

Your parenting would not be undermined, your decisions WOULD hold and your children would understand that Mummy and Daddy act as ONE, and there is no good cop, bad cop dynamic in your home.

WRT the drinking, if you are worried about it yourself, and having a glass of wine while having lunch with your DC IS not usual, and it WOULD impair your judgement/performance.

It's not about being seen or not seen to be drinking, it's about realising that you ARE using it as a crutch and also that it is a potential area where you may need help controlling. Please try to set yourself boundaries for the booze, starting now. No (more) alcohol until the DC are in bed.

Not one of us is judging you, but we see habits being created that could lead you to great difficulty and added complications to a life already problematic.

If you can't stop, please be honest with yourself as soon as possible. Please go to the Dr and tell them the issues you are facing. Please tell them about how your H is controlling you, please get it documented. You may need this 'proof' further down the line. I can't stress this enough. If you just say I am drinking too much, and the Dr treats you for this, if your H decides to kick off and have the DC taken off you, he'd use the alcohol as a way to do it. You need to make sure that his inability to support you emotionally and socially , controlling and curtailing your life needs also to be clearly stated.

Don't ever think that H wouldn't do that to you. If he doesn't try anything, all well and good, but if he does, make sure you have protected yourself.

You may not be ready for all this right now, but just file it away and keep mulling it over, we are here whenever you need support.

"See this is what always happens, it always ends up with me trying to defend myself."

You don't need to defend yourself to anyone on this forum. No-one is attacking you. I'm sure no-one thinks badly of you. On the contrary, I don't think I would cope as well as you are obviously doing if I was married to a man like your husband. I bet most people feel the same.

It's just plain to see, from an outsiders perspective, that things are not good for you, that you are struggling (understandably). That is why people are urging you to take care of yourself, to see your GP, to have more faith in yourself.

OP, posters here have been nothing but supportive and made it clear that your DH is an arse. I hope you're not so ground down by his crap that you can't even see support and sympathy when it's give to you.

Why do you stay with him? Seriously? This life we're given is far too short to spend even a minute with people who don't make things better, easier and lovelier for you.

Could you call Women's Aid? The situation you're in is not good and not normal.

I guess the drinking thing is is something he uses against you? I wasn't trying to suggest any of this is your fault because you have a drink now and then, of course it isn't. Just wondering if the two issues were related in any way.

However I'll say again that regardless of your H's treatment of you (which I agree sounds horrible) you need to take care of your own wellbeing, which includes being very honest with yourself about things like how much you're drinking and why. It's not about what you're 'seen' to do.

If you're confident you don't have a problem, then fine. But some of the things you've mentioned sound a little worrying, and even if it's not a huge problem right now, it can be best to address these things early, before they spiral out of control.

I'm not trying to judge or offend you here, you're free to ignore if you think I've got the wrong end of the stick here.

OP, I haven't read anything on here which makes me think people are attacking you.

Have you spoken to your DH about the need for him to take more of a share in the parenting, and not undermining you?

It sounds like you have a lot to cope with.

These kind of responses are poor. Very unhelpful.

Well that helps the op enormously unlikelyamazonian. Care to have a go at being helpful then, if our responses are so unhelpful?

Why are you so angry Chub?

MN at it's holiest-than-thou is a little hard to stomach.

I'm not angry. It's just a really really odd thing to post. I can't see what's holier than thou about anything on this thread. Could you explain? Genuinely baffled that you think the replies on here are holier than thou and unhelpful.

What an unbalanced marriage. I hope you will re-read this and see how it really is?

I can see where UA's coming from.

I'm guessing that worrywort posted hoping for some "poor you" and sharing of experiences of "d"h's who got to be the good guy all the time, but the advice she's getting is about leaving her husband and stopping drinking.

Not that it's bad advice, but if worrywort is feeling overwhelmed at life (understandably) then this will all feel like more blame heaped on her head. If she doesn't feel strong enough to leave (or doesn't want to leave) then it may feel to her that people will think the situation is her fault for staying.

Well if she doesn't want to leave we will never know if she does or doesn't. We're hardly going to track her down. But I don't think replies of the "never mind hun bloody men eh?" kind are much help either.

The 'curb your drinking' brigade always arrive, hoisting and re-arranging their bosoms 'sincerely'

No matter what the Knob End is up to, it's always a hand-bag swinger when an op admits to any kind of drinking. A bit like 'get some counselling'.

If Mumsnet could achieve anything, it's first-class free counselling, available round the clock for so many of the posters who earn it the advertising revenue.

'Counselling' and 'stop drinking' are suggested time and time again.

I don't see anybody suggesting how or when though.