My DH is being the great white knight... and I'm tired of it.

[worrywortisworrying]

I do 100% of childcare. All of it.

But, consequently, when my DH appears, my DCs go mental because Daddy, the FUN parent, has arrived.

I am so tired of him overriding me. I will say that DS can't have a treat. He will say that he can. I will say DD can't have a story, he will say that she can.

I am the one who has to deal with the fall out through out the night (he does not DO nights) and during the day (he works, I'm a SAHM).

I am so tired of him getting all the good stuff and me dealing with the tantrums / over tired children / night stresses / early mornings.

He's done it again tonight. They are still up now. He is 'reading' to them. Except he's not. I can hear them screaching around the bedroom. Soon, He will get bored and stressed and I'll have to put them to bed. And deal with them through the night. And when they wake up at 6am. And all of tomorrow. Until it's time for FUN DADDDY again.

I am tired of this.

Stunned, what a good post.

Yes my youngest has ASD.

Tbh exdh was hardly in the picture re: childcare until I moved out. Now he has them every weekend. Friends used to say I was a married single parent.

GAH!! He has gone for a shower. I spent an age getting them to bed and he has gone for a shower in the ONE shower that will wake them . 4 other showers that wouldn't. GAH!

They are awake.

And now he is shouting at them.

He's done it on purpose, can you not see that?

Just so he can abuse your children.

You are their only chance in life.

Are you going to allow them to be damaged like this?

Understand the situation you are in.

Recognise the harm it will do to your babies.

Been lurking a bit. What a horrible household to have to live in.
I'm sorry to say this but I really hope you find the strength from here or somewhere to buck up, find your backbone, and start reclaiming some respect.

Poster who was talking about being too much for your children is so right.

My mum was like this, and the way she still tries to live her life through me is actually making me alienate het more and more.

It's time for you to really do some soul searching here.

If you refuse to leave then at least fight for some third party help, go to your class, get a cleaner, and tell Dh in no uncertain terms to stop shouting at dcs.

Your children don't have a great role model in their father.
So if you are exposing them to his behaviour you need to be strong for them, and fight for them.

You can only do that if you allow yourself a break in order to have the resources to deal with your stressful circumstances. You owe your children a strong, upright mother.

Do not sink any further in to this victim mentality. Sorry, I really do understand it must be so hard for you.

But if you're not planning on leaving then you have to come up with plan b.

Although btw I do hope at some point down the line you recognise that he is the real problem here.
But don't enable his behaviour.
Our of interest what would happen if you squared up to him now and told him it's his fault and he was being unreasonable using that shower?

Not so much the 'fun dad' now.
I dont see how it would tear your DS apart - you say he works away 5 days at a time and then sees them in short bursts? well, that sounds pretty much like an absent parent already. You spend the weekends together, you go on holiday together, you are almost there where you are at the moment.
How are the finances. You would have a pretty strong case for staying in the family home, especially given your sons SN, and the fact that a move could be horribly distressing.
My DD has DLA, I am her carer, and there are organisations out there to help you get some help, either around the home or respite, whether you are married or not. Have ypou looked into getting your DS statemented? To help with the transition to school, if that were anyway possible. Or to apply for a specialist school. My friend has a son who is severly autistic. She was with a horribly abusive man who refused to consider that her son should be in school, he wouldnt allow her to even consider it - it was her job to handle him at home.
She did finally leave her husband, and she did find him a place at a school which specialised in his condition, and they both have absolutely flourished. My other friend has an older boy with severe autism, and he too is in school. again, it has done him the absolute world of good and made him far more capable than anyone thought possible. School may seem an impossible hurdle, but it doesnt need to be.

BTW what is his reason for using that particular shower? Have you asked him why he would do that. Have you got angry that he would be so inconsiderate as to wake them up. I hope you are not the one settling them down again, although I suspect that you are.

You have 5 showers in your house?

Gosh, that's a lot of housework to manage on your own. You sound like you can afford to pay for some help with the house and DC - go for it.

How did you respond tonight to him shouting at the DC? I would have been inclined to leave him to it - he wakes them up, he deals with the consequences, even though it would be upsetting to hear H shouting at them. Rising to his bait is just feeding his need for drama and control, making sure you have to put them back to bed.

Why did he have to use that shower?

What exactly is his problem? That is pretty much what I would have said to him. Why would he do that? That sort of behaviour is not on.
When my dh looses it with our dc's I storm him and tell him to get out and let me deal with messing everything up (although he doesn't do it deliberately!)

Wishing you a decent nights sleep when they have all calmed down!

Actually, no, we have 4 showers and 3 of them would have probably disturbed the children, so I was probably being a bit harsh there. I ended up having to lie down with DD to get her back to sleep - she's really not good at sleeping on her own at the moment.

We (me and the kids) all ended up in my bed by this morning. Talk about musical beds! Still, DS is playing on his IPAD and DD is still asleep so lovely relaxing morning here

I miss those mornings when my DC's would have a lie in with me. They're far too wriggly these days, and there's 3 of them so they end up climbing on top of each other!

OP you said you just want your children, not material things -- and I do totally believe you. But it sounds like you have a huge house and presumably a certain level of comfort? No one would blame you for not wanting to leave this, it must be scary to think of leaving your husband and ending up in a tiny flat with no money somewhere. But I do think that especially given your son's needs, you would be able to stay in the family house and receive maintenance.

I apologise if I'm wrong and this is not part of your thinking at all. I'm just struggling to understand why you think you need him so much, given that he does nothing for you, even makes your life more difficult, and in many ways already seems to not really be in your lives anyway.

This thread is so sad.

Dreaming - I think it is fair to say I wouldn't like to leave. Yes, I think that is fair.

Do you want things to change? Would you end your marriage to make that happen?

Nobody WANTS to leave love. I didn't. Fought it for years.

Until I saw to what extent that man would go to get at me. He'd hurt my son to hurt me.

Your H has done just this, he has deliberately woken your children to get YOU back on childcare duty.

Give him the red card.

Seriously. I was terrified of my Ex, but the times that he woke me up in the wee small hours to tell me how much of a slut I was, or the time he buggered off the night before our son's 5th birthday, only coming back at 11pm on the big boy's day, LONG after DS had fallen asleep put pay to all that.

I stood up for myself and my son and told him how unacceptable his behaviour was. On these occasions the Ex just took it, cos he was expecting it. They do it to deliberately upset us.

You seriously have to see that we are not BSing you here, your Ex is abusive and your DC are suffering. YOU are the only one that can do something about this.

If I were you I'd tell him that he needs to leave. anything less than this and he won't take you seriously anyway. If you tell him it's over because of his abuse of you and mean it, it's about the ONLY chance you might get to shock him into changing his behaviour.

BTW, you do know that he CAN change his behaviour, any time he likes... he is CHOOSING to treat you like this ATM.

You have made it clear that you want to stay with your H - fair enough. IT's would be a massive step to leave, so I quite understand why you don't want to, at this point in time anyway.

So, what are you going to do about the situation you have at the moment? It is abvious that he doesn't enhance your life, or that of your children. I assume you have spoken to him about the situation. Is he willing to change? Can you look into getting some outside support for your son?

Bloody hell - some typos there!

And I think it's totally fair that you don't want to, just to be clear! With all the work you do caring for your children and the house, you deserve it.

So just as a hypothetical -- let's say a solicitor told you that in a divorce, you could stay in the house, and the maintenance and possible benefits you would receive would be adequate. Would you be a bit more tempted to call an end in that situation, because your children would not be disrupted so much?

Because I can see how you would be reluctant to split if it meant a huge disruption for your DC, but I wonder if it would seem more possible if all it meant really was that your husband just didn't come home anymore, and otherwise things were mostly the same. He seems on the margin of your lives anyway right now.

Actually I have come across quite a few stories of couples with children with SN. And these people were saying that they have no other choice than staying together because otherwise they would crumble looking after their dc on their own.

The big difference between them and you, OP, is that both partners were working together to look after the dcs, not one taking on all the burden whilst the other did as he pleases.
Co-sleeping isn't uncommon and makes perfect sense if you have dcs who have some major sleep issues. You can also make it work for you as a couple and as a family.
But he needs to want to do that. He needs to be involved and take responsibility for his dcs well-being as much as you do.

And you need to get some support. I know you say you don't have any friends any more but what about support group for parents of a child with HFA? You need to find people who are in the same boat than you to offload your issues, talk about solutions and have a grumble wo feeling judged when things are hard.

Oh and the story about the car... the cars you are not allowed in and the car you are not allowed to use ?!? .
Seriously there is nothing wrong with you but everything wrong with him

Why should you have to leave with your dc's, it's your home and there are 3 of you. What about if your DH had some time away to think about his priorities and his behaviour?

Unless he sees himself as the perfect man who hasn't done anything wrong, but surely he must know deep down that he's behaving like a selfish idiot?

I believe as much as you that marriage is forever but I've seen the effect of a miserable marriage when the children have grown up and moved on. It's not fair for anyone to see the nasty, vindictive behaviour from one parent and the silent acceptance from the other. Your DH is not being a good role model for your children's future relationships.

Did you not pull him up on using the shower, waking the children, and then shouting at them?

If not, why not?

Tubby, some abusive H's actually hit their victims wives.

That said, mine WAS violent, but when he'd done shit like this I didn't care, I went for him (verbally) and told him his fortune, he actually cowered.

OP, if safe to do so, tell this crap excuse for a skin off. Don't let up on him. Ever.