My DH is being the great white knight... and I'm tired of it.

[worrywortisworrying]

I do 100% of childcare. All of it.

But, consequently, when my DH appears, my DCs go mental because Daddy, the FUN parent, has arrived.

I am so tired of him overriding me. I will say that DS can't have a treat. He will say that he can. I will say DD can't have a story, he will say that she can.

I am the one who has to deal with the fall out through out the night (he does not DO nights) and during the day (he works, I'm a SAHM).

I am so tired of him getting all the good stuff and me dealing with the tantrums / over tired children / night stresses / early mornings.

He's done it again tonight. They are still up now. He is 'reading' to them. Except he's not. I can hear them screaching around the bedroom. Soon, He will get bored and stressed and I'll have to put them to bed. And deal with them through the night. And when they wake up at 6am. And all of tomorrow. Until it's time for FUN DADDDY again.

I am tired of this.

Honestly, if you met us, you'd be much more likely to say 'what's he doing with her?' not the other way around! Believe me, I wouldn't. Been around long enough never to judge a relationship by its public face. When I was single and in my twenties I was twat enough to wonder why some gregarious, youthful looking men were with these tired women who could barely maintain a conversation. I want to grab twenty-five year old me by the shoulders, give her a slap and yell "it's because they're selfish twunts who do sweet FA in the house or with the kids, you idiot girl". Anyway, suffice is to say i've fully repented and I believe that the sisterhood is considering overturning my lifetime ban

You say that a lot of your stress is related to your DS and I'm sure it is, BUT your DH should be sharing that stress with you, not intensifying it by doing twatty things like deliberately not getting home so you can go to your spanish class, not letting you use the car, undermining your discipline and calling you a fat alcoholic, and why does he not come out with you at weekends??

I am livid on your behalf.

thanks. I don't turn to alcohol every day, by the way. Usually (like Thursday) it's when I'm not expecting DS's behaviour. Mostly, I can manage his behaviour because I know what he can and cannot cope with... but (take Thursday), it was show week at his (much loved) gym class. But, he completely lost it. I wasn't expecting that. And it's not just one thing: It's not the moment that I realise that DS can't / isn't going to do what's expected of him, it's not just the tutting from other mums because DS is 'spoiling' their perfect child's performance, it's not just the little looks of sympathy or being told I have 'lots of patience' (what, exactly, am I supposed to do??? He is my SON), it's not the sadness that DS doesn't get why I am upset. And, I don't want to be upset. I don't want DS to think I'm unhappy with him.

And I hae no one to talk to about it. DH doesn't want to hear it, my mum is one of the 'nothing a good hiding wouldn't solve' and, as I said, I just don't have any friends anymore.

There is one other thing about DH which has really changed the dynamic, which I feel is relevant: He made me rehome my darling dog (who had never done a thing wrong). Thankfully my parents took him in, so I still get to see him lots, but that's changed our relationship. It put the marker down that he's the boss and I'm the employee.

I spend quite a large proportion of my life close to tears. Most of this is due to DS, though, not DH

this is no way to live, worry

and it is not down to DS - you said yourself that after an afternoon off, you felt better able to deal with your DS.

Your DH should be giving you that support, and he isn't

do you have equal access to finances? I hope you do.

pay for someone to watch the DCs while you go out on the weekends. Everyone needs a break

Tante... It's just not that easy. Finding someone who can / will deal with DS isn't easy. Finding someone I feel confident to leave him with is even harder.

There are some problems you just can't throw money at. Take school: Private schools (who would be able to take his private tutor) won't take him. State schools can't allow his tutor on site, so the chances of that being anything other than a complete disaster are slim.

sorry OP, It sounds rotten and unfair.

He treats you badly. You don't deserve that.

This is NOT a normal, loving relationship. At all. It makes for quite shocking reading.

Please look after yourself. It must be overwhelming, everyone telling you to leave. But believe me, not everyone would be taken in by appearances. I have met couples like that, with a jovial (controlling) DH, and subdued wives, and I have NEVER been impressed by the "goodlooking", "fun" and "charming" guy...it can actually be very obvious there is something wrong. I wonder if you are my neighbour from across the road...

maybe start small. Start carving out a bit of time for yourself, like a course. That will get you back into contact with the outside world. Also, start squirreling away bits of cash where you can, so that if in future you need a lawyer or a few months rent you have it.

Secondly, even children (or courts) are not taken in by "fun dad". I bet you your kids ask for you, not "fun dad" when they are sick or sad. In case of a divorce it is likely they'd stay with you, as you are the main carer.

Start small, make a plan. Do it.

likely??? Likely??? Under no circumstance would the children EVER be anywhere than with me.

Oh your poor dog! Cant you see how utterly shit that is to do to someone? To make them give up a beloved pet?

The reason you haven't got any friends isn't because Ds has sen it's because your husband doesn't support you so you don't have time to see friends either with Ds, as a couple, or on your own. I suppose he has told you that other people don't like you very much or that you are boring or difficult to get along with or some such too?

The reason you don't have time to do anything for yourself is not your Ds, it's your dh! Again, he could help you out, twenty mins on a morning so you can get ready, half an hour when he gets in so you can have a cuppa, bath and bedtime so you get a break. Why do you think he doesn't do those things?

Your mum sounds like a right charmer too. I think people who stay in abusive relationships generally were brought up with some strange messages about who they are and what relationships are like.

Could you get a more objective view of your Ds and his sen, perhaps from a special school? I dont think if you plan to homeschool and isolate yourself and him further it is the best course of action tbh.

that's the attitude you need Worry, yay!

"I could demand more respect for myself, but I don't" - I think this speaks volumes. The think is, you shouldn't need to DEMAND respect, he should automatically WANT to support, help, cherish and respect you. It shouldn't be something he has to think about, it should just happen. It's not about you having make-up on or not, or feeling tired, or going out or not. He should want, with you wanting it too, to make your time together as a couple and as a family, fun, happy, loving and mutually supportive.

As other posters have said he seems to offer you no support, in fact sitting in the car having family-free time in the morning whilst you run around doing all the work is just throwing his power and perceived superiority in your face.

Worry, are their any support groups for families with DC with needs the same as your DS? You may find some friends through those who are more understanding of your situation, and it does sound as if you are quite isolated and in need of friends.

Your DH needs to start sharing in the workload. With mine, I asked him if I was run over by a bus the next day, what would he do? Who would he get to look after the kids? I think that woke him up a bit.

Have you thought about getting an au pair to help? They may find DS challenging to handle, but if you had help with the housework, and with DD, it might take some pressure off you. You could also go to your Spanish lessons.

I also think that Home Ed could leave you more isolated.

I really feel for you. You are having a shit time.

Can you describe your son to us? What is he like, what does he do in a day? Is he verbal? What sort of thing sets him off?

How do you manage that/him?

What worries you about him being with someone else?

Your poor dog, and poor you :(

Do you see standing up to your husband as, in the end, just making more work for yourself?

Or is it more that he's sapped your confidence (unable to drive car without scratching it, really?) so much that you don't have the certainty within yourself that you are right and he is wrong?

You say you don't want to leave your DH because you wouldn't know where to start without him. Can you explain this a bit more? Because it looks to me like right now you do everything without him.

You take care of the DC all by yourself
You do all the cleaning and household tasks by yourself
You are not allowed to use his cars
You go out with the DC on the weekends without him
I bet that you are the only one dealing with all the school issues

What exactly is it that you couldn't handle by yourself?

If it is the money/bills that you are worried about, there are plenty of people who can give you good advice on claiming benefits and maintenance.

What else do you think you need him for?

Just popping in to add my support again. You're getting good advice here worry.

Have you thought of trying to meet up with mumsnetters locally? There may even be some with sn dcs?

Thankyou all for being so kind.

I don't want to leave because I remember how we used to be. We used to have fun. (me and DH, that is). It's me that's changed. I am too focussed on the children. I don't function without them. It doesn't bother me a jot if they sleep with me / I sleep with them.

I am not saying that this is my fault (and I tried and tried to get DH to rethink re. the dog) but it's like I've shut down. Most nights, I sleep with one (or both) of the children. By 4-5am, they are usually both in my bed.

Several times in the last couple of weeks, I've not even attempted to put DD in her bed, full stop.

I do think, because I'm with them so much, it's just become the norm for us all to be together. We go on holiday quite a bit without DH, so it's me, DS and DD. Altogether.

And when we get home, it's us, with DH sleeping in a different room.

Obviously some of this is his fault - not wanting to get up with the kids kids etc., but some of it is mine too. If we DID split, the only thing I would leave with is the kids. He could keep the rest. I'm not that bothered by the material stuff. The only thing I would want is the children.

So if you're not leaving what's the answer then? Communication? Will he listen? Will you listen? Sounds a very difficult situation to be in?

Curious - I have no idea. I just know I'm not ready to call time on my marriage. In my book, you get married for life. There is no 'get out early clause'. That's just the way I was brought up.

Yes but that's old fashioned. A lot would've got out nowadays.

Keep posting though as getting it out may help you to clarify things? And maybe something someone says will resonate with you?

I left my exdh and we're good friends. I now have an amazing dp and am much happier. My ex was ok just we were brother and sister rather than married iykwim?

Did you have a child with SN, Curious? I cannot imagine the damage it would cause to DS.

I'm glad it worked out for you. I don't think it would for me.

Hello Worry,

I very rarely post on this type of thread but you sound so very very sad. Your life really doesnt have to be like, please listen to others who say you would be so much happier without a H who offers you no support, help or love. Do you believe you deserve this? You dont.

You can cope with you DS you dont need an abusive H, you just need courage.

It can work out for you, really, please think carefully about how you want your life to be in the future, you can make it happen.

Big hugs to you
x

relationship by its public face. When I was single and in my twenties I was twat enough to wonder why some gregarious, youthful looking men were with these tired women who could barely maintain a conversation. I want to grab twenty-five year old me by the shoulders, give her a slap and yell "it's because they're selfish twunts who do sweet FA in the house or with the kids, you idiot girl".

YES YES YES Im sure there was a thread on the AIBU board quite a while ago about why there are so many "young overweight women with "slim good looking husbands" Its the same reason really isnt it. Cos most of the women dont have time to look after themselves because a lot of the blokes are doing fuck all in the home,so the women often grab a snack when they can. Ive actually seen it happen.

I have no idea. I just know I'm not ready to call time on my marriage. In my book, you get married for life. There is no 'get out early clause'. That's just the way I was brought up.

And i bet he knows it. And he made you get rid of your lovely dog. Bastard.

You have 2 main issues and there are so many things that could help improve things. Just work at one little thing at a time and bigger changes will happen.

I get it when you say you can't/won't leave your DH and marriage is for life but you're not happy - is he happy with the marriage? What about when your dc's have grown up and moved out? The biggest issue in relationship issues (I find, don't know if there's anything bigger?) is communication. No/poor communication = not much of a relationship. So you can work on that and try and get him to communicate with you more without laying blame on either side, but just trying to communicate your feelings with each other.

I used to work with families with a child with special needs and there is a lot of support in our area, I used to take a child out for a couple of hours once a week and worked for social services. There might be something like that available for you? I know your ds is very young but the benefits are huge for the child and the family.

Worry - how are the family finances? I mean, do you have access to them readily or are they controlled by your OH?

Also, your comments about being focussed on the children, do you think you focus everything on them because you do get something back from them? They love you unconditionally. They are emotionally involved with you. Your OH doesn't seem to be. He seems to be doing as he pleases whilst you do the heavy lifting of your family life. It really doesn't need to be this way.

Please keep going with this thread

I think that you need to think about how your children are going to feel as they get older. It seems as if all your efforts and emotions are being poured into them and that's fine at the moment but eventually it won't be. I speak from experience in that my mum had two difficult marriages and dealt with them by focusing all her emotional needs on my and my Dsis. As we got older this became almost unbearable for us, and continues to be a real issue to this day. So if you can't find the strength to do some things for yourself for YOU, think about how they are going to feel when it is time for them to fly the nest but won't/can't make fulfilling relationships outside the home because they are so frightened of letting you down and leaving you alone. I too have a DC with special needs and know how hard it is to leave them. But in the end, if they are physically safe and with someone that you know will be kind to them, then just going out for half an hour is enough to start with. I used to feel like I had a string attaching me to my DC, and as I got further away from them it would stretch tighter and tighter until I found it almost physically impossible not to go home. But each time I went a little further and stayed out a little longer and, of course, delighted though they were to see me when I returned, they WERE and WILL BE ok without me. Good luck OP - I can see how much you want this situation to improve.