My DH is being the great white knight... and I'm tired of it.

[worrywortisworrying]

I do 100% of childcare. All of it.

But, consequently, when my DH appears, my DCs go mental because Daddy, the FUN parent, has arrived.

I am so tired of him overriding me. I will say that DS can't have a treat. He will say that he can. I will say DD can't have a story, he will say that she can.

I am the one who has to deal with the fall out through out the night (he does not DO nights) and during the day (he works, I'm a SAHM).

I am so tired of him getting all the good stuff and me dealing with the tantrums / over tired children / night stresses / early mornings.

He's done it again tonight. They are still up now. He is 'reading' to them. Except he's not. I can hear them screaching around the bedroom. Soon, He will get bored and stressed and I'll have to put them to bed. And deal with them through the night. And when they wake up at 6am. And all of tomorrow. Until it's time for FUN DADDDY again.

I am tired of this.

It sounds ridiculous that you're 'not allowed' or 'wouldn't dare' to use the car if it would be convenient for you. I can understand if you're not a confident driver, but the only way that's going to improve is with practice and experience surely?

Oh I remember that thread .

What worries you about splitting? It's not healthy for you or your dc for you to be cowed like this.

Bailing out would cause more problems than it would solve

Its designed that way you know? He makes more work for you so that you know not to bother him with it again.

Its like when someone burns the toast and makes the coffee 'wrong' so that you do it yourself next time.

You haven't ever driven his cars? He has two cars and you don't drive them?

Because you are worried about damaging them or he won't let you?

Are they insured for you driving?

Sod thinking about DH's childhood, what kind of relationship did you see modelled that you believe your husband can treat you like a subordinate?

When you say 'never been in' the cars - do you mean as a driver or a passenger?

Is it a pristine E-type Jag that only gets taken out for car shows? If not then it's mad that you feel you can't use it.

I agree with everyone who says bedtimes are the least of your problems

never been in either car? so , he has two cars and you have to walk? ...hmmm

Amber speaks sense. It does sound like you are questioning your sense and judgment (your post about not getting up when you were poorly seemed to make you question what was a perfectly ok thing to do).

He has two cars but you have to walk Do you have to walk three paces behind him when you're out together too?

Seriously OP, it doesn't sound like a very equal relationship to me.

Either of DH's cars ? Does this mean that he has two and you have none?

I get what you say about not driving an expensive car. DH has one of those big Lexus things and I hate driving it as its so large and I am convinced I am going to scratch it or have an accident. However the reasonable solution we have is that I drive a Ford Focus ( big enough to fit my bike) which is safe enough to ferry everyone round in but not valuable so I don't worry about anything happening to it. That's a reasonable solution, not that he gets everything and you get nothing.

Oh and btw I'm not convinced that leaving the bastard would solve the problem. You seem to have some pretty ingrained non confrontational behaviours so I'd focus on working through those first and then if that doesn't work at least you will be better prepared for any separation discussions.

Even if the cars are pristine luxury cars - you shouldn't feel that you can't drive them. We recently bought a new swish car and I know I felt a bit OMG DON'T SCRATCH IT for the first couple of weeks but it is a car. The first wee bump is the worst then I was able to relax and just drive it.

Sorry to keep going on about the car thing, but it just sounds weird. Both cars are 'his' and you're not allowed to drive them - but surely when you're a family you share resources like that? You don't make your wife and children walk everywhere because the cars are 'yours'? How selfish and petty is that?

I do normally have one. It's just off the road.

He has two. I've never been in either. As a passenger or a driver.

The one that's here is not the sort of thing you would drive every day. I did ask DH to take it to work so I could use his 'work' car. He refused.

" I had a thread a few days ago, about my DH going mental because I went to bed at 9:30 last Friday and didn't get up with DS at 10pm. Bailing out would cause more problems than it would solve.

Actually, I have never been in either of DH's cars. Ever."

He isn't fit to call himself a father, he really isn't.

He's a selfish arsehole

Your car is off the road, he has two but you're not allowed to drive even one of them?

Why have you not got a new car or had yours fixed? Why is that not a priority?

Theeternaloptimist - At weekends, we use my car for any family outings.

I'm sorry, but your husband is a real jerk.

We can go around talking about the details, about bedtimes and cars and such, but the bottom line is that he's a jerk and treating you very badly.

How could things possibly be worse if you split? You would still do 100% of the childcare only you wouldn't have an irresponsible git messing up your routines.

Please, find a way to get some therapy. You need to find out why you are willing to accept being treated like this and find the strength to kick him out.

This is totally unacceptible!
My DH has one car, he rarely drives it as my need is far greater. Occasionally he has contradicted me, he has always apologised afterwards. As would I if I did the same, usually we get around it because if I want to over turn his decision there has to be a very very good reason (eg. he didn't realise how important X was or it makes life for the rest of us impossible).

I would go out so he can put them to bed. I would leave him in charge for a weekend (DH did it for a week when our eldest two were very small).

If this is not possible then get some counselling because your relationship isn't working. Its supposed to be a partnership.

In your situation I would be getting a taxi to nursery (if I didn't have a courtesy car). I would also be buying in help, such as cleaners etc.

Where are these men coming from. Where?

I feel so sorry for you WorryWort. Please start sticking up for yourself. You are important too you know.

Doesn't sound like a white knight to me, and certainty not a decent father or husband.

Sorry but what exactly doess he bring to the table?

Agree with Melanthe. What white knight would treat his wife like this?

Worry, why is your car off the road?

I get that you don't want to drive his 'special' car but then he should use it so that you are not left without a car.

And the issue is not the cars, or the bedtime routine but the way he treats you. Have you always had this kind or relationship, where he calls the shots?

I think this is a 'leave the bastard' answer.

I dont think he respects you as a partner or a mother.

I also have a feeling that if OP did go out the children would still b awake when she got home. And he would be moaning in her ear.

You do everything anyway so that wouldnt change if you split. You would find it easier as it would be your house so your rules.

Yes, get a cleaner to help with the household stuff then you can concentrate on the kids. If DH can afford 2 cars one of them obviously a classic/sports car then he can afford a cleaner. Also a babysitter one night a week even if he is in the house so you can go out with the girls or even go for a swim/walk round asda/something for YOU