My DH is being the great white knight... and I'm tired of it.

[worrywortisworrying]

I do 100% of childcare. All of it.

But, consequently, when my DH appears, my DCs go mental because Daddy, the FUN parent, has arrived.

I am so tired of him overriding me. I will say that DS can't have a treat. He will say that he can. I will say DD can't have a story, he will say that she can.

I am the one who has to deal with the fall out through out the night (he does not DO nights) and during the day (he works, I'm a SAHM).

I am so tired of him getting all the good stuff and me dealing with the tantrums / over tired children / night stresses / early mornings.

He's done it again tonight. They are still up now. He is 'reading' to them. Except he's not. I can hear them screaching around the bedroom. Soon, He will get bored and stressed and I'll have to put them to bed. And deal with them through the night. And when they wake up at 6am. And all of tomorrow. Until it's time for FUN DADDDY again.

I am tired of this.

OP, please go to the Dr, please go to your health visitor, please get this treatment of you and your children on someone's radar.

He will only get worse.

Sorry TheHappyHissy I must have missed where she said he was violent?

IME I think it's pointless confronting controlling people. Their issues run so deep that they truly cant see the problem or dont want to as it means having to look themselves in the mirror and that is too painful for them.

I think little steps would be the best way forward.

What ONE thing would you like to change today OP to make things easier for you?

AFAIK She hasn't Tubby, so far. I'm not chastising you by any means, I agree with you. The WHY she hasn't taken him to task is complex.

Even I (with the history I have) can look at this situation and say TEAR HIM OFF A STRIP, but sometimes it might put her and the DC in danger. It may be the time that he DOES kick off.

I agree, she SHOULD be able to tell him how it is and put her foot down, but I doubt she has the space to do so. That's why I said for her to do it, if safe.

doin You are right, there is no point really in confronting these people as they fundamentally are choosing to do this.

No pleading, asking nicely or anything else will change a thing. They WANT to do what they do. It pleases THEM. If they are getting you to toe a line, as soon as you succeed, they will change that line so that you fall foul, again, and can be punished. It's relentless. You end up painted into a tiny corner, unable to move for fear of displeasing them.

BUT..... by actually saying to her H that what he did was unreasonable, sickening and out and out WRONG, the OP WILL actually gain some strength within herself, she will find the voice she has lost, and in time will see what she, and her children are worth.

Yes good point Hissy.

Call him on his behavuour so she feels better about herself . I def think the OP needs to gain some self worth. Very very difficult with so much going on.
Thats why I think small steps are needed.

My DH is never, has never been, violent.

I feel I have to make that clear.

Worry thats a blessing then.
Is there one thing that you could do this week that would help your situation ?

I think I remembr you of old, worry. In which case I often think of you and wonder if you ever escaped your awful marriage to this man. I'm so sorry that he continues to make you so unhappy. I'm not sure you'll know who I am as I've namechanged a bit. There's nothing I can say really that you'll want to hear, but I truly hope one day that you find the strength to leave him, as he will never change and will continue to grind you down to nothing.
Much love xxxx

Worry your self esteem sounds like it is in your boots. Your DH is not doing you a favour by being with you. You are his equal in every way and you have a right to expect fairness, kindness, consideration and love.

Currently he is not behaving like a dad at all. He is more like the uncle who comes to visit, winds the kids up like a spring and then leaves the parents to deal with the fall out. Doing the not very fun stuff like dealing bad behaviour, sorting out clothes etc is part of being a parent.

I was horrified at his selfish behaviour on the previous thread where sorting out his own child once when his wife was sick was an imposition but when he was sick he took to his bed for a day.

I would also recommend the Lundy Bancroft book.

You may not feel ready to leave but I do think you need to establish a few boundaries. If he calls you names, tell him that it is not acceptable. Take half the wardrobe for yourself - don't ask his permission it isn't his, it is jointly owned. Do not use him and his behaviour as a mirror of your self-worth, he is reflecting back a distorted vision because it serves his purpose for you to feel bad about yourself.

Truthfully, right now I think you are doing him a favour by being with him.

"It's me that's changed. I am too focussed on the children. I don't function without them. It doesn't bother me a jot if they sleep with me / I sleep with them. "

I knew you were going to say that. This is a problem, Worry. How do you think this makes your DH feel like?

The truth is, your children CAN sleep in their own beds at night, and your son CAN be looked after by someone else.

And, why is mainstream school such a problem? How autistic is he?

Your H is acting like an arse, but you are too enmeshed with your children. It isn't 100% his fault.

I disagree.

Worry is not TOO FOCUSSED on the children. she is CLINGING TO THEM. They are her justification, her hair shirt to stay with this man. She is throwing all her attention into the children cos it's something to distract her from the truth under her nose, that her husband is not at all a nice person.

By using the DC as the crutch to lean on, the family is still intact.

BUT, what price that family? It will destroy you Worry, it will destroy your children and educate them that what you have as a life is what they will have.

IMHO Worry you need to put the children first and make sure they are growing up in a supportive environment where their needs are met, there is calm and happiness.

Putting them first would be looking into getting benefits and advice to help you live where you live without this bully.

I know you are not ready for this yet, perhaps years off still , but hopefully ONE day you will see how much better life would be without this abuse in your lives.

Do you have friends you can talk to or that can help you out? You sound like you could do with someone to look after you a bit for a change.

Op what would you like to happen?

There is a special school where I live for autistic pupils. There are units in mainstream schools for autistic pupils. There are respite centres for carers and for young people to learn life skills.

My concern is what if you do all this, give up your life and your world to spend 24 hours a day with your Ds and then you got run over by a bus? How would he cope? Where would he go? It's not good for him or you to have that kind of relationship.

I feel as well you are hiding in your relationship with your dcs so you don't have to confront the relationship with your dh. It's so sad and it's such a waste of what could be happy lives.

Sorry, have read thread properly and seen your friend situation. You poor woman, of course you are exhausted and frustrated. I think I would have killed your DH someone by now if I were you!
Hmmm, finding a way for you to have regular time out is the key here isn't it, but i can see that is almost impossible for you without your DH's help. I'd be tempted to tell him that he needs to get you some help or you're off. Having a car you don't use in the drive is mental when he could sell it and give you the money for a cleaner.
Perhaps you should show him this thread so he can see what a tosser fool he is being about it all?

Worry - I was so sad to read (among all the other dreadful stuff) that your H managed to make you give up your beloved doggie...

What do you think would actually happen if you went and got your dog back and said to your H "I've changed my mind, I'm not prepared to do without my dog, and it is not up to you to tell me I must." ?

I just wonder what you think he could do about it?

Do you believe that it is your H who should lay down the law and you should obey?

Sorry, but just want you to have your dog back and don't see why you shouldn't.

Was that supposed to be a helpful suggestion Hawkmoon?

hawkmoon I think you are trying to bring the spat you had with the OP on a previous thread on to this one.

I have reported your post.

Wow its gone already - looks like someone beat me to it.

Thankyou, MNHQ. It is much appreciated.

Good point, Hissy, and thanks for pointing that out. Good post, very thoughtful!