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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't want to have sex with me, but I want sex, what do I do?

213 replies

MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:30

DH doesn't want to have sex with me. He has given me a couple of excuses, the latest being that he is tired. My problem with this excuse is that even when I'm tired I still want to have sex.

We had sex a few days before Christmas 2011, prior to this we hadn't had sex in about 2 years. This year, we have only had sex once.

Is this normal? What should I do?

I suppose the obvious is just buy a vibrator, but I'm a little embarressed about having to resort to a mechanical object to satisfy my needs when there is a penis in the house. Also, we have 2 young boys (3 and 1) and I don't really want to have to explain this to them when they find it, which they will.

I don't know how much everyone else wants sex or has sex so I don't know if this is normal.

I have a very high sex drive and constantly want sex.

I have very low self esteem because of this, I cry and feel depressed. I am only 32 and don't want to live the rest of my life as a nun or pretend to be a virgin.

OP posts:
Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:33

"when there is a penis in the house"

No, there is a human being in the house Hmm

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:36

They don't have to find a vibrator. Mine never have.

But no, you aren't abnormal. Abnormal doesn 't come into it. Just mismatched drives. It clearly can't go on. Have you actually talked properly about it?

It's a problem I know. I have more or less zero libido these days - DH doesn't. So we compromise. I have it more than I ideally want. DH has it less. But an honest conversation is essential.

susiedaisy · 23/06/2012 20:37

Have you discussed this with your Dh?

WitchOfEndor · 23/06/2012 20:38

Buy a vibrator. Leave it somewhere out of reach of children. Us it to address your needs in the short term. Talk to your DH to work out what is affecting his sex drive in the long term ( assuming he used to have a higher sex drive)

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 23/06/2012 20:38

you keep the vibrator in a locked drawer like the rest of us do.

You are normal, have you told your dp you want more sex?

MangoHedgehog · 23/06/2012 20:38

just have a wank!

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:39

Yes, we have discussed this many times and he has given me many excuses.

OP posts:
Taghain · 23/06/2012 20:39

I understand the low self esteem, because you're being constantly rejected.
However, isn't it worth a little embarassment to at least try a vibrator, probably a little bullet that would be more easily hiddenfrom your sons and more easily explainable? Not that you have to explain.

And don't assume that you have a very high sex drive: what you have just isn't being satisfied so the usge is alwauys there. You may find that a good tousle every week is enough... Annd if you aren't being demanding your DP may be more relaxed about sex too.

susiedaisy · 23/06/2012 20:39

I find the op's post a bit odd not sure why though!

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:40

mangohedgehog I do, at least twice a day, everyday.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 23/06/2012 20:41

Only having sex once this year doesn't mean you have a high sex drive for wanting it more often than that, what's been his reasons other than the old chestnut of being tired, could he be depressed or have underlying health condition?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:42

Right, so basically what you're all saying is that I'm wrong to want to have sex with my husband, that I should resign myself to never having sex with him again and to just wank myself to death with an electrical device.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:43

susiedaisy I've forgotton a few of them, but yes, before tiredness he used depression as an excuse.

OP posts:
ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 23/06/2012 20:45

Er.. is anyone saying that? Hmm

I find your comment "when there is a penis in the house" more than a little odd.

Your whole OP is quite odd.

susiedaisy · 23/06/2012 20:46

Ok so going solo twice a day is a having a high sex drive IMO but you still need to have a really frank discussion with Dh and see if you can come to some sort of agreement! I agree if you love your Dh and still fancy he then never havin sex again is a miserable prospect!

BlackOutTheSun · 23/06/2012 20:47

Sorry but I do find your op a bit odd

You don't say your dh is in the house but a penis?
Then its his excuse of being tired but because you still want sex when you are tired then he must???

HecateAdonaea · 23/06/2012 20:47

I am in this situation and have been for 12 years. Yes, 12 whole years of enforced celibacy.

You have several options.

You can leave.

You can tell him that he either gets help or you go

You can accept that he doesn't want sex, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and enjoy your life together, just go solo to relieve any physical frustration and be intimate in other ways - through laughter, cuddles etc
(If there is no intimacy of any type - that's a bigger problem than him not sticking a bit of himself into a bit of yourself!)

you can tell him that if he is not willing or able to have sex, then you will go elsewhere for that part of life

I think if someone hasn't experienced this, they don't really know how soul destroying it is when the one person who is supposed to love and desire you, doesn't seem to want you. When it's the man, and you have grown up with this idea that men are always horny (which is a horrible stereotype but a common one! men think about sex every 8 seconds and all that shit!) then it does make you think what's wrong with me that he is so repulsed?

But men are people too Grin and they get stressed, get depressed, have low or no sex drive. Not all men are the thrice nightly type. and not all men can keep it up when they have pressures in life.

It's hard also when they won't talk about it, acknowledge your feelings on it. It makes you resent them if they think that only their feelings matter and you just have to shut up and put up with it. But they also have this pressure/stereotype to deal with, of the Real Man who bangs you over the breakfast table and who can summon an erection at will. It can be difficult for them too when this is not the case.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:49

Why odd arielthepiraticalmermaid? Because I'm a woman and I actually want sex?

I didn't mean penis in the house in the way it's been taken. All I meant is why should I have to use a vibrator when I have a husband.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 20:51

It's not normal. Get a vibrator to alleviate the frustration and somewhere with a lock and key to hide it. You need to talk to you oh about this.

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:51

Depression and tiredness and not excuses, they are valid reasons. Not much help for you I know, but don't dismiss them as excuses.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:53

Thank you for understanding hecateadonaea.

I have threatend to leave him. I have suggested I get sex elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:54

I should point out that DH is watching this thread and has laughed at the penis comment.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 23/06/2012 20:54

I would order a rabbit (or alternative generic sex toy...), tell him you have, and see what he says.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 20:54

How was your sex life in the past?

BlackOutTheSun · 23/06/2012 20:55

So why reading and laughing together at this thread, why don't you both go and y'know talk? Hmm