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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't want to have sex with me, but I want sex, what do I do?

213 replies

MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:30

DH doesn't want to have sex with me. He has given me a couple of excuses, the latest being that he is tired. My problem with this excuse is that even when I'm tired I still want to have sex.

We had sex a few days before Christmas 2011, prior to this we hadn't had sex in about 2 years. This year, we have only had sex once.

Is this normal? What should I do?

I suppose the obvious is just buy a vibrator, but I'm a little embarressed about having to resort to a mechanical object to satisfy my needs when there is a penis in the house. Also, we have 2 young boys (3 and 1) and I don't really want to have to explain this to them when they find it, which they will.

I don't know how much everyone else wants sex or has sex so I don't know if this is normal.

I have a very high sex drive and constantly want sex.

I have very low self esteem because of this, I cry and feel depressed. I am only 32 and don't want to live the rest of my life as a nun or pretend to be a virgin.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 23/06/2012 22:32

Can I ask what made you choose to marry him?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:32

eclecticshock I don't want to see a counsellor, which DH would like I have to be honest. I'm not completely sure why I wouldn't when I'm so candid about things with Mumsnet.

Maybe I resent having to pay for talking to somone when Mumsnet is free!

Plus I'm taking driving lessons and we haven't done up the house etc.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 23/06/2012 22:33

He doesn't sound gay (or at least not actively so), he sounds a bit asexual.

I also think you could do with talking this through with a counsellor as some of the conclusions you have come to, such as you having a very high sex drive, when you just sound pretty usual to me need someone to help you explore and see if you can build your own self-esteem/boundaries up again. It sounds like you may have had signs he wasn't that into the physical side, but perhaps you ignored those if everything else seemed right.

Again, I find statements like 'I have no friends or family' odd (what, none at all, from either side, ever?), I'm coming to the conclusion you may be quite depressed, so I would urge you to go to the doctors if your mood is low. Counselling will also help you enormously as hearing yourself say this stuff out loud will help you work out what you want from the situation. Good luck, OP.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:34

You put driving and doing up the house before your relationship? If you are happy to continue wih the status quo, stop giving him a hard time and get a vibrator surely? Either you take action or you accept him as he is. Don't berate him for it and them do nothing about it. You have choices.

AThingInYourLife · 23/06/2012 22:34

"If he were to tell me he were gay, great, we could divorce and continue to both parent our boys whilst finding what we need from other partners."

But you can do that now, even if he's not gay.

Why would him being gay make it more OK than it would be for you to divorce so that you can find what you need with another partner and he can continue to not have sex with anyone?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:35

dropdeadfred honestly? At the time I thought it was love at first sight and we were meant to be together. We met on a train and were basically set up by two fellow passengers who neither of us knew.

I can't talk for him, but the moment I saw him, my heart beat faster than it ever had and I don't know, I just had this feeling.

Now I think maybe I was just deperate for love, a husband and children and so took the first one that came along.

OP posts:
WhatWouldMargoDo · 23/06/2012 22:36

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you don't seem to hear what people are saying. When people suggested you get a sex toy as a short term solution you started huffing about "wanking yourself to death" - no one said to do that.

Is there more going on? Does he want another baby or is this something you've decided? Can you have counselling together? It sounds like you have other stuff to work through.

dreamingbohemian · 23/06/2012 22:36

The more you write, the more I think you really need some counselling to work through all this.

Are you so opposed to counseling that you would break up your marriage because of it? Because that's what will happen.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:37

athinginyourlife I don't know.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 23/06/2012 22:37

MrsRigsby, the comments on MN, though they can be massively helpful, aren't a substitute for a good counsellor, for a start counselling is much more intensive and on a one to one. I think it's more important that you are happy than you learn to drive or do up the house. If you don't have friends or family to talk to, then having an hour a week of someone to listen to you will feel like bliss.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:38

dreamingbohemian I think all that will really happen is that I'll buy a rabbit and always resent DH for the third child I desperately wanted and he never gave me. Unless he asks for divorce I can't see us getting divorced.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 23/06/2012 22:40

mrsrigby, i'm sorry this is happening to you. life is a pretty grim deal, for most people but this is a particularly cruel situation.

start finding out how you'd fund yourself if you left him - what benefits are available etc. get evidence of his earnings and assets - because all that will disappear if you split. do you have family who could help you?

ask him to go with you to gp for a joint appointment about your not having sex. be specific. if he won't go, make a note of it and pass the information on to your divorce lawyer.

i don't know how old you are, but its too young to give up on life and you deserve more than this.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:40

It seems you're blaming this all on him. If he would go to conselling and you want to make your marriage work, you should go. What do you want to do?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:41

mumsyblouse this is helping and it's free. I undertand you're not trained councellors, but you're someone to talk to and get advice off.

I'm suprised I've got as many comments as I have!

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:41

So this isn't about you wanting another child and him not?

EightiesChick · 23/06/2012 22:41

I echo Mumsyblouse above. With all due respect to everyone else on the thread, we're just a bunch of randoms on the internet. A counsellor could actually get to know you and your difficulties in depth. Plus you've said already you're so unhappy about all this, yet you 'resent having to pay' for help with it? Surely it's more worth spending £ on than doing up the house. (Get your husband to do that in all the time he's spending not having sex with you...)

carernotasaint · 23/06/2012 22:42

Mrs Rigby ive just pasted above the first thread i contributed to last year. there is some very helpful advice also on there too.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:43

eclecticshock yes, he would like to do councelling, but I don't.

I'm not trying to blame this all on him, but he's the one who is denying me sex, which is something I really need and want at the moment.

I am starting to accept though, from whats been said, that I should buy a vibrator and leave him to his own devices.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 23/06/2012 22:44

So you really, really won't divorce him - you would only ever wait for him to divorce you? I don't understand that. What is behind it? Did your parents divorce and you vowed it would never happen to you...?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:44

Thank you carernotasaint.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 23/06/2012 22:45

Mrs Rigby have you considered taking a lover. It is something i am seriously considering.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:45

Why don't you want to do counselling? Why are you posting of you don't want to help the situation? Are you worried it might place some of the onus on you?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:46

eightieschick no, to the best of my knowledge they have never divorced and have probably been married 30 years now.

I don't know why I feel I can't instigate the divorce, although I have threatened it many times. Perhaps I just don't want to feel like a failure or maybe I can't until I'm 100% positive it's the correct thing to do.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:47

When you say, you really need and want sex... Is that to have another dc?