DH doesn't want to have sex with me, but I want sex, what do I do?

[MrsRigby]

DH doesn't want to have sex with me. He has given me a couple of excuses, the latest being that he is tired. My problem with this excuse is that even when I'm tired I still want to have sex.

We had sex a few days before Christmas 2011, prior to this we hadn't had sex in about 2 years. This year, we have only had sex once.

Is this normal? What should I do?

I suppose the obvious is just buy a vibrator, but I'm a little embarressed about having to resort to a mechanical object to satisfy my needs when there is a penis in the house. Also, we have 2 young boys (3 and 1) and I don't really want to have to explain this to them when they find it, which they will.

I don't know how much everyone else wants sex or has sex so I don't know if this is normal.

I have a very high sex drive and constantly want sex.

I have very low self esteem because of this, I cry and feel depressed. I am only 32 and don't want to live the rest of my life as a nun or pretend to be a virgin.

You might resent him the first time you go. But you would probably find it really helpful, and that feeling would go away.

I actually don't think you should go with your DH. I think you should go on your own first.

I am really sorry for what you're dealing with. You sound like someone with a great capacity for love, who has not received enough love in your life.

Your children love you though. They need you too.

mooncupgoddess yes, I have posted about previous family issues. No, it's not been a easy or happy life to date.

When saying 'take him up on his offer' I mean for both of you separately or together or both. If he is saying he will go, he thinks will help
is it not worth trying all avenues?

The fact that your DH would go to counselling is very positive. He should arrange some for himself of you're not willing but I really, really can't stress how much I think you would benefit from this.
You have had a difficult start to life and now you are burning with resentment and rejection. Children will pick up in that.
You've asked what you can do andno one has said suicide by masturbation! Do you always react so extremely and extrapolate worst case scenarios from what is said? My boys live their daddy but I don't think that means they don't love me.
You're crying all the time and giving up on your relationship at the age of only 32? Please see your GP, I hate to think of you continuing like this.
I do believe your DH is treating you poorly but if he wants to do counselling and you don't want to divorce you need to address it.
Take care.

You need to address your anxiety and depression far more urgently than you need a shag or another baby.

Mrs Rigby how are you this evening. Have you given more thought to going to counselling at all?

Mrsrigby - you say your colleagues see you crying at your desk. This is not normal behaviour. Get help.

Mrs Rigby what are you scared about coming out in counselling? Child abuse or something you want to keep hidden? It won't come out unless you want it to come out.

When you go to bed - where does he lie, where do you lie? Is he affectionate? Do you cuddle? Does he get erections in the early morning?

Most women can get sex anytime they want, yet they often do not do this. Why? Because they do not have the same intense, biological drive for sex that men have.
Men on the other hand, are willing to risk jail and std's and will often pay for sex because they want it that much.
The only men who rely seem to deny sex are those who have options and are getting laid consistently.

Any other ridiculous myths that you want to regale us with lovelopez?

I agree with the OP's take on counselling, FWIW. It probably works for some but if it sounds like crapola to you, chances are it will be.

Counselling wouldn't have made it work for Charles and Diana, or for Sid and Nancy, or for Kurt and Courtney, or for Hugh and Elizabeth.

Counsellors are not miracle workers, and probably some are abject arseholes.

A friend of mine went for Relate counselling once. For openers he was presented with a bowl of stones and told to select the one that most resembled him. He was told he was angry and intolerant for observing that this was a bloody stupid idea.

Later he was asked why he thought his marriage was in difficulties, and he explained that it was because his wife had felt entitled to fuck the carpet fitter. He was told he was being accusing, as though he had somehow displayed a lapse of taste or manners in mentioning that his wife had fucked the carpet fitter.

IMHO, going to Relate etc because your relationship needs help is like selling the Big Issue because you need a job (flame away sisters).

OP:

• your husband is either asexual or gay
• he doesn't love or fancy you but would rather appear married than be alone or a wittol
• you want sex and babies, he doesn't
• another baby is an appallingly bad idea in the circumstances
• you sound, emotionally, both damaged and needy
• the above doesn't sound fixable
• and why would you want to?

Sorry.

The professional help you need is from a divorce solicitor.

BTW, props to you for finding the time for two wanks a day, with 2 kids, without mechanical assistance and in 20 seconds. Don't leave your porn lying around.

Apocalypto I understand from your friend's point of view you obviously think counsellors are rubbish, but don't tar them all with the same brush!

OP, I don't want to be cruel but you need to either go down the counselling route, or accept that your marriage is going to be essentially sexless. There is no quick fix, and as you are unwilling to try counselling then your choices are limited.

indeed whackamole, but given where the OP is, what's it leave??

they each have to vote for one from this list

1 counselling, then pick again
2 sexless marriage and she wanks
3 open marriage
4 no marriage
5 put up with the other's choice from 1 to 4.

he's currently picking 2. her current choice is 5 but she wants him to pick again. he picks 1 but she rejects.

blunt and reductive I know but she's gone around for 9 pages hoping for option #6 and it ain't there.

at the moment he's getting his way 100% so she's the only one with a problem.