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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't want to have sex with me, but I want sex, what do I do?

213 replies

MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:30

DH doesn't want to have sex with me. He has given me a couple of excuses, the latest being that he is tired. My problem with this excuse is that even when I'm tired I still want to have sex.

We had sex a few days before Christmas 2011, prior to this we hadn't had sex in about 2 years. This year, we have only had sex once.

Is this normal? What should I do?

I suppose the obvious is just buy a vibrator, but I'm a little embarressed about having to resort to a mechanical object to satisfy my needs when there is a penis in the house. Also, we have 2 young boys (3 and 1) and I don't really want to have to explain this to them when they find it, which they will.

I don't know how much everyone else wants sex or has sex so I don't know if this is normal.

I have a very high sex drive and constantly want sex.

I have very low self esteem because of this, I cry and feel depressed. I am only 32 and don't want to live the rest of my life as a nun or pretend to be a virgin.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 23/06/2012 23:15

MrsRigby you may well be right, I'm just trying to make sense of your manner as you do seem a bit 'distant' from everything and rather resigned to it all.

I could start playing amateur psychologist, I'm guessing the fact that you are very alone in life has thrown you straight into marriage and children with, as you say, the first man who offered this to you, but, because this stuff tends to repeat, he's really very unavailable at least physically and you are still very much alone and wanting to be loved.

But as I say, I don't think amateur psychologist gets you that far, I think a real-life psychologist or just counsellor to talk with would help you enormously, The fact that you feel upset at the thought of going doesn't mean it wouldn't help you, it suggests that you don't want to face all this and just hope it will all go away, but I don't get the impression that it will anytime soon.

Good luck with it all.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:15

dprince totally disagree. I am VERY open and honest and they see me cry at my desk. They can see what this is doing to me.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 23/06/2012 23:16

Why doesn't your husband care that you are crying?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:19

eclecticshock she never wanted me so I lived with my nan. When nanna died I lived back with them and my brother. Then he started being physically abusive. I let it happen once and vowed it would not happen again, so when it did and I almost got seriously hurt, I moved out and never looked back.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 23:20

OP, please consider a counsellor. Good luck with everything.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:21

eclecticshock he is in bed at the moment so I can't ask him. He hasn't suggested I have a sex addiction.

OP posts:
Dprince · 23/06/2012 23:21

Well if they can see that, they will have thought it but not suggested it as you are their work collegue. Have they never suggested counselling. I really think if you want a marriage with sex with your dh you need to go. NEED to go. Without you can't say you tried everything. He wants to go, that shows he wants to fix it. But you are rejecting it.

EightiesChick · 23/06/2012 23:21

So what do your friends advise, when they see you crying at your desk?

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 23:21

Op, you need to talk to someone professional about all this. Especially about your brother. Please please bite the bullet and give it a go. Please, you deserve better. Thinking of you.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:24

mumsyblouse you've not said anything there that I haven't thought myself. I think the reason I want a third child is because I want someone to love and love, want, need me - which babies do. Unfrotunately, both DS1 and DS2 are obsessed with Daddy so I don't feel they want or need me anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:26

dropdeadfred he once told me it was just emotional blackmail. Also, he probably sees me cry all the time and so is desensitised to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:29

dprince we are not just work colleagues. We txt after work and on one occasion went for drinks. We are due to go for drinks again. It is not a professinal relationship.

They have sugested I take DH up on his offer of councelling as one possibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:31

eightieschick the same that everyone on here has advised.

  1. To have an affair/s
  2. Counselling
  3. Vibrator
  4. Divorce
  5. Do nothing and just accept this is how it is
OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 23/06/2012 23:33

Okay, given your family background, I think it's even more important that you have counseling.

I think it's quite revealing that you don't want to do it because it gives you a horrible feeling to think about it. That is very common actually, it's because over the years we build up ways of coping with things, and then our brain gets very defensive and doesn't want us to think about anything that might tear down our coping mechanisms.

But honestly? I think without counseling, you will never find happiness in life.

With counseling, you have a good chance of being happy again, with your DH or someone else.

And most important, you owe it to your children to be as healthy as you can be.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 23:34

Agree with dreaming. Please consider it properly.

Mumsyblouse · 23/06/2012 23:36

I can't urge you enough to see help from a GP or a counsellor. The way you feel about your children isn't right, you are their mum and they love you, and it's not an either/or situation; they can love Daddy AND you. You have had a very tough upbringing and done a great job of piecing together a good life for yourself, but you cannot outrun the past and the cracks of what other people have done (or not done) to you are starting to show.

Counselling doesn't have to be years of talking endlessly, you could do something much quicker and more focused (e.g. CBT or even a short talking therapy of a few weeks) but I really think the way you talk does indicate an emotional numbness as well as a crying out for love and affection and reassurance, which unfortunately you don't feel you get from anywhere right now.

Don't let your past ruin the present or the future, really, you are worth more than that. This is more than just about you not having sex, it's about needing and having love in your life. That is a possibility, but I do think you need to talk it through with someone. I have done that, having never had therapy before (and slightly considered it for wimps/not fancied delving into the past) and I found it incredibly helpful.

Dprince · 23/06/2012 23:37

OP you are missing the point. Friend or work friend they may not feel comfortable diagnosing you. Clearly you have all this advice before and choose ignore it. Instead of saying what you don't want, why don't you tell us what you do want.

dreamingbohemian · 23/06/2012 23:39

I should add, I resisted therapy for years, but when I finally went it changed my life. It is not just talking, it is having someone really help you figure things out, and it does make you feel so much better about everything.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:40

dprince sex, another baby, to win the lottery oh and world peace would be nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:41

I reckon of all of them, I'll have more chance winning the lottery.

OP posts:
Dprince · 23/06/2012 23:48

So to have another baby you need sex. You also want sex. The only way you have a chance of happening is with counselling. But you won't. So how much do you really want to make it work?
Don't have another baby because the other 2 seem more attached to their dad. That's not the right reason. Can't you see you are desperate to be loved because you feel you haven't been. A baby shouldn't have expectation attached to it. Will you keep having them until one loves you like it should?
If you really really want this to work you will take your dh up on the offer of counselling. If you want it, you and your dh will have to work towards it.
As for the lottery. Sorry can't help there :)

WhatWouldMargoDo · 23/06/2012 23:50

Please get professional help.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:54

dprince that is not the only reason. The main reason is that I want another baby. I have always wanted a big family and told DH this on our first date.

If I took DH up on the counselling thing, it would be one more thing to resent him for.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 23/06/2012 23:58

OP - have you posted here about previous family issues? If I remember correctly you have had quite a hard time of it. But, if you want to change anything in your life, you will need to be open to changing yourself, so ruling out counselling is perhaps a bit defeatist.

Mumsyblouse · 24/06/2012 00:04

Why would you be 'taking DH up on counselling'? You could have it separately, by yourself, as your choice because you don't like crying at work, having a sexless relationship and feel very negative about how your children view you, and you have a lot of past history which could do with a thorough airing before it is put back in the box (it will go back in the box, you won't be upset all the time you know).

You are making everything about other people's choices, as if you don't have any of your own.

Anyway, I am not sure what you will do, but I hope we have made you think a little bit and perhaps when the time is right and when it is YOUR decision, you will talk with someone.