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Original poster

DH doesn't want to have sex with me, but I want sex, what do I do?

213 replies

MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:30

DH doesn't want to have sex with me. He has given me a couple of excuses, the latest being that he is tired. My problem with this excuse is that even when I'm tired I still want to have sex.

We had sex a few days before Christmas 2011, prior to this we hadn't had sex in about 2 years. This year, we have only had sex once.

Is this normal? What should I do?

I suppose the obvious is just buy a vibrator, but I'm a little embarressed about having to resort to a mechanical object to satisfy my needs when there is a penis in the house. Also, we have 2 young boys (3 and 1) and I don't really want to have to explain this to them when they find it, which they will.

I don't know how much everyone else wants sex or has sex so I don't know if this is normal.

I have a very high sex drive and constantly want sex.

I have very low self esteem because of this, I cry and feel depressed. I am only 32 and don't want to live the rest of my life as a nun or pretend to be a virgin.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/06/2012 21:31

So you shower before the sex you're not having. Goodness.

HecateAdonaea · 23/06/2012 21:33

monogamy. Having only one sexual partner.

Well, you could do that. At the moment, you've got none.

I feel quite angry with him Grin HE doesn't want sex, so tough luck. HE doesn't want to do anything to change the situation, so tough luck. HE should have his feelings respected, so tough luck.

How you feel, how hurt you are, how lonely you feel - sod that and sod you. Shut up and deal with it. Cook me tea, iron me clothes, clean me house and don't expect any affection from me.

He needs to understand that you matter.

EightiesChick · 23/06/2012 21:34

This is really bizarre. You say you talk about it constantly. Then why hasn't something changed? Either, for all the talking, you are not communicating well, or one/both of you is so deeply entrenched in their own view that nothing makes any difference. Whichever it is, I find it really odd that you are both sitting here reading the thread! Are you trying to tell him all the crying/thinking of leaving stuff via MN?!

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 21:35

Thank you all for your advice. I am in tears.

Nothing is going to change. DH and I have agreed to leave him alone, forget about there ever being a third baby and spend the rest of my life shagging a rabbit.

OP posts:
HecateAdonaea · 23/06/2012 21:36

eightieschick - I promise you that you can talk constantly about this issue and have nothing change. That does not make something bizarre. You can talk about something until the cows come home and that really means nothing more than talking about something until the cows come home Grin

You just end up going round and round and round in circles.

HecateAdonaea · 23/06/2012 21:39

That is not your only choice, MrsRigby. Don't make yourself helpless in this. You have choices.

I have chosen to stay. I do not pretend that I had no other option, I did. I chose to stay.

You have many options to consider. He does not have all the power here. Don't think that you have no choice but to live like this forever.

He's not willing to make any changes. There is actually nothing you can do about that. But you sure as hell can choose whether that's the life you want or not!

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 21:39

If he doesn't want to... That's it, you can't change him. Best decide if you can live with it.

Dropdeadfred · 23/06/2012 21:42

Why stay then? If you told me he was in tears too it would be better - at least it would show he regrets not being able to make you happy

Chubfuddler · 23/06/2012 21:42

Has he read this thread? Really? It's not you, it's him. It's not normal not to want to have sex with your spouse with whom you are in love. Dh and I don't gave as much as we'd like. We have two v small people who wake a lot, we both work, we are tired. I always find it reassuring that when we are on holiday and away from daily stresses we shag like the duracell bunny.

Has your Dh always had a low sex drive?

EightiesChick · 23/06/2012 21:45

Don't take the thread that way, OP. Plenty of people have said this is not good. And I do think he is being v unreasonable in that he is not compromising at all here - e.g. telling you you can't take a lover. I don't see why he should expect to get everything his way. If he absolutely refuses to have sex, then not sure he gets to dictate totally what you do about that given that it's very important to you. What would he do if you announced that you are off out to shag someone tonight?

thisisyesterday · 23/06/2012 21:47

wow. really?

is this not a dealbreaker for you? i think it would be for me.

you're willing to live the rest of your life without any kind of intimacy with your husband?
i'd be looking at those places to rent with a little more intent OP.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 21:47

Op, you haven't answered any questions about if your dp ever liked sex with you.

bleedingheart · 23/06/2012 21:51

You've been fortunate to have DC2 from such an infrequent sex life, does your DH not want a third DC, is he worried that every coupling results in a baby? You say you want a 3rd and he wants your relationship to improve.
You don't have to settle for this but he is entitled to refuse.
I totally understand how rejected and dejected you must feel.
What was your sex life like before children?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 21:53

eightieschick he'd tell me not to come back and file for divorce.

chubfuddler he's picked up the other laptop and is reading through. I can't remember what his sex drive was like.

dropdeadfred I'm staying at the moment, because he is the father to my two boys. I'm staying because I work part-time and unless I get a full-time job, I can't see how I could have my own house and look after the boys. I'm staying because I don't want to be a divorcee. I'm staying because I don't know what to do and until I know what to do, surely I shouldn't make a definate choice?

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 21:56

You can't remember what your sex life was like? It's quite pertinent to the discussion.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 21:56

bleddingheart fortunate is one word for it. Quite frankly they are both miracles as I have PCOS and the doctor told me it would be very difficult if not impossible to conceive without fertility treatment.

I'm not sure whether he wants a third child or not. We've talked about it and one minute he says no, then he says yes when we can afford it, then he says we can try after you've finished your period. No idea.

He is happy to have unprotected sex he says!

Can't remember sex life before children.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 21:57

eclecticshock no, I can't remember. Sorry.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 23/06/2012 21:57

if he wants your relationship to improve has he made any suggestions as to how you can do that?

do you have any other intimacy in your relationships? cuddles and kisses?

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 21:58

Seriously, you can't remember, I'm assuming it was always similar. Why are you unhappy now?

AThingInYourLife · 23/06/2012 21:58

"he thinks a marriage should be monogomous"

That would mean having sex with you occasionally.

In fact it seems that he thinks that because you are married he gets to impose celibacy on you.

And that is deeply fucked up.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 21:59

eclecticshock I don't know if he's ever enoyed sex with me or anyone else, I think thats only something he can comment on.

I get the impression he doesn't enjoy having sex with me.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 23/06/2012 21:59

YOu could get working tax credits to supplement your income, I have a couple of friends who are on their own and work part time and have houses and so on. I don't think that's the issue at hand though.

I can't believe quite you don't remember what his sex drive was like when you first met. Perhaps it was always low. I think you would remember only having sex on a less than yearly basis though. Perhaps you don't want to admit it has always been like that though.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:00

Well, maybe ask him to comment on it. If he had never enjoyed sex, he probably won't start now.

Chubfuddler · 23/06/2012 22:01

Have you asked him? How sexually experienced was he before you married?

HecateAdonaea · 23/06/2012 22:01

He needs to love you.

even if he cannot/will not have intercourse, he needs to love you. And show it.

I know I am dragging my own situation into this, but it is only in the hope that you can relate to it and take something from it that can help you, but I sometimes feel so angry with my husband. He had no right to marry me if he didn't want me in every way. No right at all.

I really want your husband to see how much it hurts. If he loves you - he will CARE that you are hurting.