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Original poster

DH doesn't want to have sex with me, but I want sex, what do I do?

213 replies

MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:30

DH doesn't want to have sex with me. He has given me a couple of excuses, the latest being that he is tired. My problem with this excuse is that even when I'm tired I still want to have sex.

We had sex a few days before Christmas 2011, prior to this we hadn't had sex in about 2 years. This year, we have only had sex once.

Is this normal? What should I do?

I suppose the obvious is just buy a vibrator, but I'm a little embarressed about having to resort to a mechanical object to satisfy my needs when there is a penis in the house. Also, we have 2 young boys (3 and 1) and I don't really want to have to explain this to them when they find it, which they will.

I don't know how much everyone else wants sex or has sex so I don't know if this is normal.

I have a very high sex drive and constantly want sex.

I have very low self esteem because of this, I cry and feel depressed. I am only 32 and don't want to live the rest of my life as a nun or pretend to be a virgin.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:03

Op, I don't understand what you want to hear.

bleedingheart · 23/06/2012 22:05

I think it is cruel of him to suggest he will have sex and then make excuses to avoid it. He needs to be as candid as you have been.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:11

mumsyblouse I cannot remember. Honestly.

eclecticshock I've asked him if he enjoys sex and he says yes, but he's not going to say no is he.

chubfuddler he's told me he slept with 3 people before me (I think it was 3 or 4) and he admits he doesnt feel very experienced.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:13

Op, I think there might be some deeper issues here that you're not discussing. Your choice of course. I hope you find a satisfactory outcome.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:14

bleedingheart that is basically what I've just said to him as he went upstairs to bed.

He says he will have sex with me, but in the next breath he uses excuses why we can't have sex. Tiredness, I have to be nice to him etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:15

eclecticshock I can't see there being a satisfactory outcome. I'm an open book though and happy to talk, what deeper issues do you feel I'm not discussing?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 23/06/2012 22:16

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know why people are saying it all sounds bizarre or whatever, there are threads on here like this all the time.

I think your only real hope is sex therapy, or couples therapy, or any counseling that will get you talking more productively about this. If you are really that keen to avoid divorce, you should give it a try.

SerendipitousHarlot · 23/06/2012 22:16

What has he said about this thread, OP?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:17

hecateadonaea I want him to see how much it hurts, but I don't think he cares. I don't think he loves me.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 23/06/2012 22:17

MrsRigby, the reason that people are going on about the past is that it gives a big clue about whether you have as a couple ever had a satisfactory love life, whether your husband just has an inherently low sex drive, or whether it's a more recent thing linked to having children/stress/depression or a physical cause.

O find the fact that you can't remember sex before three/four years ago quite astonishing, not because I think you are lying, but rather you are burying your head in the sand so comprehensively, you've kind of blocked this stuff out. I'm pretty sure most people can remember their love life with their partner before children, and the fact that you can't is quite significant.

Presumably at one time you did have a more satisfactory love life, but as neither of you seems to be able to remember or want to try to recreate it, that's quite a bit stumbling block in recapturing anything you might have once had, or perhaps you never actually had it but that just hurts more right now. I don't know.

I don't think you talking is helping in this format (I mean with him). I'd ask him to see the GP and make it clear you can't go on like this. You sound rather down and distanced as well, is everything else ok?

Chubfuddler · 23/06/2012 22:18

Have you asked him if he loves you?

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:19

I don't know op... I find it strange that you don't remember your sex life previously I guess. What was it like when you first met? Or when you were trying for your first dc? How long have you been a couple and how many times have you had sex? If you have 2 dcs, it must have been regular at some point or were you just lucky?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:19

serendipitousharlot he has scanned through the comments. He has not really said anything other than he won't post a message. He says I read what I want to read and ignore anything that doesn't tell me what I want to hear.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:22

eclecticshock all I can remember from when we first met, was trying to kiss him on the sofa, okay snog and him not really being very good at it or wanting it to happen. I've joked for a long time that he might be gay and it's only a matter of time before he comes out the closet. I can remember that first kiss - unless you count the kiss on the cheek when we met on the train the first kiss and I can remember that too. The sex I can't remember.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 23/06/2012 22:22

So, ultimately, he's not interested in how you feel.

He doesn't want to have sex with you, whatever his reason. You can't live like that, and you need to tell him so. But it sounds like you already have, and he refuses to change, and you're still there.....

What is it that you want us to say? It's not you, it's him. It's nothing to do with what you look like, honestly.

Mumsyblouse · 23/06/2012 22:22

I think your husband is spot on, you do seem to be ignoring some parts of what people are saying, and picking up on others (e.g. that people think you should just get a rabbit and put up with it, when most people aren't saying that at all).

You sound down and resigned to it all, as well as rejected. Do you have good friends/family/anyone you can turn to about your relationship problems (which do seem wider than about sex).

HecateAdonaea · 23/06/2012 22:24

Look, you know his position on this.

He is not going to change it.

all that remains is for you to decide if this is the life you want or not.

It really is as simple as that. (and as difficult and heartbreaking as that!)

Are you going to stay with a man who shows you no love and affection and doesn't care how you feel. or are you going to leave. He's effectively ruled out the third option of changing things, hasn't he? so he's left you with stay in this life or walk out of it.

Because the more you describe your situation, the more obvious it becomes that he isn't interested in how you feel about this. And I'm not hearing much in the way of love and affection.

WhatWouldMargoDo · 23/06/2012 22:25

What do you want from this thread Mrsrigby?

I think you need real life help tbh.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:25

When we were trying for children, we were doing it pretty much every other day around the time of ovulation - about 2 weeks I think.

We've been a couple since I was 23 so, 8 years I think and married for 6 of them.

Not lucky at all, I had to see a doctor, take medication and time it via ovulation sticks and temp charting etc.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:26

Are you concerned he is gay? Have you asked him? It will mean the end of any hope of a sexual relationship but you can still bring up your dcs as two loving parents.

carernotasaint · 23/06/2012 22:26

Ive been in a sexless marriage for 16 years. After 7 years of no sex or hugs or intimacy whatsoever i had an affair which lasted for 4 and a half years. Just before i met my lover i lost ten stone. For ten years my h didnt want sex with me and for the last 6 years he cant due to disabilities. I no longer want him in this way now because all sexual feelings have died (no man can expect you to keep wanting him for 16 years while he keeps on refusing you unless hes an abuser who gets off on the power) H refused to go to counselling.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:27

whatwouldmargodo I think I just want someone to talk to, to try and understand and to give me advice on what to do and do they think I'm in the wrong.

I have no friends or family. Besides Mumsnet, I have only my 2 colleagues to talk to about this.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:29

I think you should try to see a counsellor, by yourself firstly. I'm sorry that you attend having to deal with this.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:30

eclecticshock I have asked him many times and he has denied being gay. I would not have a problem with it as I'm sure he must know, as I am bisexual. If he were to tell me he were gay, great, we could divorce and continue to both parent our boys whilst finding what we need from other partners.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:31

He could be asexual? Whatever it is, you need to talk to someone professional so that you can make a decision about the rest of your life. I feel for you, you have to face it. There could be a happier life for you.