Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't want to have sex with me, but I want sex, what do I do?

213 replies

MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 20:30

DH doesn't want to have sex with me. He has given me a couple of excuses, the latest being that he is tired. My problem with this excuse is that even when I'm tired I still want to have sex.

We had sex a few days before Christmas 2011, prior to this we hadn't had sex in about 2 years. This year, we have only had sex once.

Is this normal? What should I do?

I suppose the obvious is just buy a vibrator, but I'm a little embarressed about having to resort to a mechanical object to satisfy my needs when there is a penis in the house. Also, we have 2 young boys (3 and 1) and I don't really want to have to explain this to them when they find it, which they will.

I don't know how much everyone else wants sex or has sex so I don't know if this is normal.

I have a very high sex drive and constantly want sex.

I have very low self esteem because of this, I cry and feel depressed. I am only 32 and don't want to live the rest of my life as a nun or pretend to be a virgin.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 23/06/2012 22:47

Mrs Rigby, your last reply illustrates why it's better to talk this through with a counsellor, you need someone who can cut through what you say and get down to the heart of the matter. No-one said get a rabbit and give up, they said you have choices and can act, and that's a last resort IF YOU CHOOSE and he doesn't want to change and you don't want to leave. I don't think you have benefitted much from what people have said on here as you haven't correctly absorbed what they have said.

I agree with your husband, you both need counselling probably separately and then together.

Good luck, I hear a cry for help in all this and I hope you do get some so you can move forward rather than remaining passive in your own life.

EightiesChick · 23/06/2012 22:47

"I am starting to accept though, from whats been said, that I should buy a vibrator and leave him to his own devices"

I really don't think that's what's been said here. But people's comments are trying to get at the notion that you have both been doing the same thing for ages, ie he holds his position and you talk about it to no effect. Something has to change, and it might be that that is you accepting things as they are - but as many posts have noted, that's not at all the only option. But you already seem to have ruled out some of the other options, like divorcing or going to counselling, and it seems a shame that you are limiting yourself as well as being limited by someone else.

dreamingbohemian · 23/06/2012 22:47

Sorry but I think you're really unreasonable not going to counseling.

Yes, he is the one with the apparent problem, but at least he is willing to do something about it. Why wouldn't you at least give it a try?

If you don't divorce, you are going to have a massively dysfunctional relationship, which is going to have a really bad impact on your children.

It's for their sake that I think you need to suck up whatever reluctance you have and give counseling a go.

HecateAdonaea · 23/06/2012 22:48

accept from what's been said?

That's really what you've taken from this thread?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:48

eclecticshock no, in fact not all the comments have been on my side and I have taken them onboard ie. I'm seriously thinking of leaving DH alone and using a vibrator for the rest of my life.

No doubt someone will find me dead with the vibrator still in me!

I don't know why I don't want to do counselling. I just know I don't and it gives me a horrible feeling everytime I think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:52

hecateadonaea I don't know what else there is to take from this thread. As I see it, my options are:

  1. Buy a vibrator and learn to love it and forget about DH's penis,
  2. Go to councelling
  3. Divorce DH
  4. Have sex with other people whilst remining married to DH

I won't do 2, even though DH will. I can't do 3 at the moment and DH says he doesn't want to. I'd love to do 4, but DH is dead against this. So that leaves 1 - fuck myself to death with the best Ann Summers has to offer and leave poor DH alone.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:54

Op, I really don't want to be harsh, but your comment about being dead wih a vibrator inside you... Make me think that you need some kind of sex counselling. Maybe your idea of sex and why you need it is not healthy? Obviously, I'm wildly guessing, so please don't take offence. I really think you should seek help. I know you don't want to, but I hope you find the strength. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes we are not, through past experience or whatever but you do have a choice and you can change things and you can be happy. Being happy is the best thing you can offer your kids as a role model. Please think about what people have said on this thread.

NimpyWindowMash · 23/06/2012 22:54

Wanking isn't going to be enough IMHO

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:55

dreamingbohemian I accept that, but I'm sick to death of talking - I want action.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:56

nimpywindowmash no it won't give me what I need, but it'll have to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:57

I should add, that aside from my teenage years, until recently I have never watched porn. Now it is probably a weekly/every other week thing.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 23/06/2012 22:58

Agree with Nimpy.
Is a vibrator going to kiss you all over? No
Is a vibrator going to stroke your hair?No
Is a vibrator going to hug or cuddle you to sleep at night or when you are upset?No

Sorry if this comes across as a bit TMI.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 22:58

eclecticshock thank you for your advice and everyone elses too. I have taken on board what has been said.

OP posts:
Dprince · 23/06/2012 22:58

OP what do you want? You don't want to split, you don't want to carry on doing it yourself, you won't go to counselling (even though he will).
Are you simply wanting someone to justify you having an affair? Because all other options are meeting with a 'no'.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 22:59

Op, do you think you have a sex addiction? Apologies if asking is offensive, but something's you say make me think you could have a healthier attitude towards sex?

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:01

eclecticshock no, not just to have babies.

OP posts:
HecateAdonaea · 23/06/2012 23:02

Yep. They're your choices. You have chosen.

I do think it's important that you accept that you have made your choice. You could go to counselling - nothing is physically preventing you. You don't want to make that choice.

You could leave/ask him to leave. It is difficult, but people do do it. With no money and nowhere to go. people do do it. You don't want to make that choice.

you could go off and shag someone else. Unless he locks you in the house, he cannot prevent this. This could also lead to 3. Since he may change his mind about divorce!

So of the options that ARE available to you, you have CHOSEN option 1

I don't judge you for it! God knows, I know where you are coming from and how you feel.

I just feel that you have to own the choice that you have made and not fool yourself that you 'can't' do anything else. i know it's easier to pretend that you have no choice, but it's best to be honest with yourself. You DO have a choice and you've made it.

Does he show you any affection at all?

NimpyWindowMash · 23/06/2012 23:05

Sex addiction? Jeez - the poor woman has only done it once THiS YEAR. Could explain her getting a little preoccupied.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 23:06

Nimpy, it's just a question. Don't take offence.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:08

mumsyblouse I am not depressed. I work in a hospital surrounded by doctors. I work VERY closely with 2 nurses (not as close as I'd like with the male nurse Wink) who I have shared everything with, not once have they told me I might be even slightly depressed and they would know the signs better than anyone.

I have no friends or family. I had a few friends in school, but when school finished for some reason so did we. I never really went out as a teenager, I've only been to 1 club so never really met anyone. No friends. I have no family aside from DH and the boys. Things were bad at home and I moved out shortly after my 21st which was never celebrated. I have a brother who I have repeatedly tried to reach out to, but he want's nothing to do with me. I never want to see him or her again (I don't like to refer to them as parents). There are aunts, uncles and cousins, but they've not seen me in such a long time and some of them don't even know me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:11

eclecticshock and nimpywindowmash it has crossed my mind more than once if I have a sex addiction, but, it is not getting in the way of my life ie. stopping me looking after the boys or cooking for DH, doing the housework, going to work etc and I would have thought that if I did have a sex addiction that a) the nurses would have suggested it and b) that I couldn't do any of the above?

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 23:11

Ok, I'm probably being really nosy now and feel free to ignore... Why don't you speak to your parents or siblings?

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 23:13

From the limited knowledge I have, it's not interfering with your kids and day to day functioning but is it interfering with your relationship? What does your oh say?

Dprince · 23/06/2012 23:13

my best friend is a doctor and I share most things. She didn't pick up on my pnd. Because you become good at putting a brave face on. You talk about problems but not to the depths they getting to you. If you are telling them how low you feel and how much you cry etc. I would be surprised if they haven't thought it, even if they have never said it.

Original poster
MrsRigby · 23/06/2012 23:14

hecateadonasea he trys to hug me occasionally - telling me he needs a hug. We don't kiss aside from a kiss goodbye or maybe goodnight. We kissed when we last had sex.

OP posts: