Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

The school is having "introduction days" and the letters have gone out - so moving dc class would mean a n other child would have to change their half day.

I am being told this would be unfair on a n other child.

Apparenty the fact SS and Schools admin (and Ed welfare) and our local councillor have all been aware of my concerns since march is irrelevant.

Schools admin are denying any knowledge - which is amusing - as I have about 50 emails, they are also denying social services wrote to them backing my request for a change of school - despite me having a copy of the letter they sent schools admin.

From schools admins point of view - SS writing to them is irrelevant - the email I have from them says - and this is a direct copy and paste

The place for xxxxxx has been allocated on the basis of your standard application for a change of preference to xxxxxx and has not been prioritised by any action on the part of Social Services or your family circumstances

Sorry offred, should say - I am at the point with schools admin that I have refused all communication other than written because they keep back tracking - I have been in communication with the head.

I find them absolutely rigid - there is no social need criteria - therefore they have no legal obligations under the admissions policy, therefore eveything that has happened to us is irrelevant.

Head, wall, banging.

Life sucks whydoi do they no the exact circumstances of requesting a different school or not.

If they are denying knowledge of communications you know they have had then they know they are wrong. Could you try a seeing a solicitor? Have you appealed the decision?

The appeal is normally heard by an independent body and you should bring your emails and their denials as evidence as well as the expert opinions about your dc's need.

Yes Dotty - they know enough - they are just saying its irrelevant as it doesn't match the criteria.

I haven't gone into specfics due to police advice not to discuss, but they are aware that one of the children in the household has been the victim of a serious sexual assault and the request for a change of school was as a result of this.

They are also aware that DC is having problems and that usbwho we feel it imperative that they have the support of a familiar face.

Education welfare have been lovely - but they are powerless because dc isn't officially in school - she said it may be unprofessional but she is disgusted at the attitudes of SS (nothing to do with us), and schools admin (not our problem).

She says she used to be a SW and she can imagine what they have been like.

Offred - we bow have the school place - but in a different class - my hands are tied because until after the trial I am not able to make formal complaints - as it would mean disclosing too much.

And the trial is forever away.

What I would like to know is who - in the council/LEA has any responsibility for the well being of our family - because at the moment its appears to be no-one.

It sounds like they are saying they have treated you as a standard application in the absence of the things from social services etc which you know they've had. This sounds, by implication, as though they would not have treated it as a standard application if they had acknowledged the information from social services etc and therefore if you can demonstrate they received it but failed to use it then I think an appeal would succeed under the third point "the decision to refuse admission was not one which a reasonable admission authority would have made in the circumstances of the case"

Ah, I see! That's so stupid!

Why have they put them in different classes when the application for social need was made on the basis of the dc's need to be with the other child?!

Seems the same old attitude of innocemt until proven guilty if there saying no proof of any thing. Can you tell I'm feeling bitter and let down still. (Sorry) x

The whole point of this school, rather than any other - is so dc can have support of friend - I am not prepared to send him blind - into a class of 30, without a familiar face.

At the moment dc isn't having issues in nursery - just home - I'd like to keep it that way - because I'm damn sure if dc starts meltdowns in class - they won't be able to handle them and will start sending dc home. And I would like dc to be happy in school - not have a bad start from day 1.

ITs a small simple request - I dont understand for the life of menwhy there are so many obstacles.

Offred - because they don't have "social need" in the criteria, only medical - so they dismissed it out of hand and he was allocated a place through the late admissions process.

So to clarify how rigid they are - if middle dc was the victim - they would still be taking same stance.

And as I have already said here, I am not convinced middle dc hasnt been. I don't "think" so - but how can I be certain - I don't see a huge step between abusing one of my children or all of them, the only thing I know for sure is youngest wasn't as there was no opportunity.

Sorry in advance but that's bollocks how can this be in anyones criteria its not something that should ever happen to any child the repercussions for the whole family are devastating even when an adult discloses can't imagine what your family are going through. Xx

Dotty - thank you - that is exactly my point!! Almost word for word - and it's so upsetting to bare your heart, look for help and then basically be told - your problems don't matter because they don't "fit".

Saying to people - look - we can't cope - we need help - and then being knocked back - is hard - especially when it's so hard to ask for that help at all.

It is hard to ask for help I know its different circumstances so shouldn't compare personally I think you've been very restrained I told DC on day of my interview that I wouldn't be responsible for my actions if it had been my kids then said I shouldnt of said it to her but she actually agreed she'd be the same.

Oh I'm no saint - I had to learn to control my hatred and anger because it had taken over all the space where my love for my children/husband should have been.

I was consumed with rage - at one point I felt I could have dismantled my house - with my bare hands - 1 brick at a time - but I have a family who rely on me - so I let them back in.

I hit rock bottoms when dh and DCs were all downstairs.

And I thought about life - decided dh could look after mini DCs and older one had my mum and their dad and started knocking back sleeping pills with neat gin.

Then a visitor turned up!!!! And I realised what I was doing - I imagined how dc would feel if I killed myself as a result of disclosure.

That was when I figuratively speaking, started to fight (myself) to bring some semblance of family life and love back into out lives. Initially I did it for older dc - but I have healed enough to feel enormous love for all DCs and dh.

Sad thing is the theraist think that black period - is what is the root cause of middle DCs issues (along with lots of other stuff).

I would quite happily have been a vigilante for a while, but now, with some time I realise - reducing myself to that would mean they had taken another piece of our family away - me from my children - and the abuser doesn't deserve that much power.

Dotty we all compare I think - but I look at it this way - no matter whT has happened to anyone else, our pain is most important to us.

I feel DCs pain like it's my own, always have, always will - I do love them so much - I was so grateful when that feeling came back instead of all consuming hatred.

I do it all the time one of my many flaws. Spitting feathers again step-son and his cousin have started their crap yet again don't need it they've threatened DD2 she's 16 FFS told her to report it he was fine until she came on the scene she's a user his own mum doesn't like her and she's her aunty told him she's trouble. Meant to be going away in 2 weeks don't want to go anyway with court hearing not happening yet also starting counselling under so much fecking stress and they wonder why I want to disappear and not come back or worse.

Hi guys hope everyone is doing ok. I came down with some sort of bug yesterday - started feeling rough in the afternoon and was just wiped out, nauseous and tired by the evening. No vomiting thank god. I'm still feeling pretty bad this morning but DH is looking after DS so I'm still in bed. I'm due to take DS to a party this afternoon so I'm hoping I'll feel ok by then. I wouldn't expect DH to take him as he doesn't know the family at all. If I'm not better by one I'll just have to say I'm not going which I hate doing at the last minute but ho hum.

How is everyone else?

Hope your better soon Cailin got a few bits to do still in bedroom downstairs is done feels weird I'm on the up but starting counselling feel like a fraud although most days can't get moving until late afternoon started my room at about 5 yesterday.

I'm feeling a bit more alive now. Still a bit washed out but I think we'll make it to the party, as long as DS wakes up from his nap in time! I think the counselling is definitely a good idea dotty. You don't have to be at rock bottom to "deserve" it, in fact I think it's better to do it when you're not feeling at your worst as you are more able to talk and to handle the sessions.

Cailin I think its cause I've organised a session I feel a bit better making the decision was hard DC asked me to go back 6 weeks ago when she last came as she thought I needed it told her I was sick of being pushed but she promised she wasn't pushing but just suggesting it. Its weird I don't know cause as you know I've had some horrific dark thoughts recently told the counseller that on phone.