Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Internet down so at library, can't stay on long.

Chips, I explained about the csa as other people have had to deal with it so it is a talked about subject.

In situations where I don't know the people, if I feel it's relavant I say I'm recieving trauma councelling for a hideous incident when I was a child. It stops questions I can't handle and allows people to understand why I'm a bit weird sometimes.

My neighbour issue, well I stood up to some twat beating his girlfriend, then stood up to him trashing my stuff but due to small town gossip, me being an outsider to this particular area and people judging before speaking I'm being sent to coventry by a few people, but, I'd rather do something to protect women and children than stand back and do nothing, some people choose to hate me for it well? I am a gobby cow though and don;t stick to the mould. Just bloody lonely :o

Chips, that didn't answer your worry, you've said ptsd so unless you want to explain it all you don't have too. You can say I went through a trauma, if you're pressed for details you could say what trauma but that you aren't ready to explain fully or you could just say your councelling is working and you're learning coping techniques but you feel uncomfortable talking about it out loud or you could say well the therapist deals with all the gory details how about we just stick to the ptsd for now!

What do you feel comfortable telling people? You hold you head up high missy, you have nothing to be ashamed off, nor anyone else on here.

You could create a stock of answers for potential questions, especially ones you know will upset you and stock answers for when you have flashbacks etc, it could be handy to explain flashbacks so your colleagues know what to do, ie, if I have a flashback it's good to tell me to think of a happy place to remind me I'm safe now, I'm here today and I'm ok and to stamp my feet etc.

It's entirely up to you what you say but it does help to make people aware you have ptsd, and otsd could be from anything, a bombing, train crash, tsunami etc etc so a lot of people understand ptsd even if they don't know the exact cause.

Sorry for the essay, that's why I normally stick to the phone apart from the paranoia of clicking a dodgy mn link and fucking my comp up

Glad you had a good day Dotty, how are you doing now?

Sorry dotty what's the situation with the photos? I don't quite understand.

Thought I'd said before just realised I hadn't after DC went to see her she took mine and my sisters wedding photos down off mantelpiece only photos up now are brother wedding and his girls, cousins going to check but he thinks ITs has gone as well.

That's rubbish dotty. What on earth could be going through her head? I suppose you could drive yourself mad trying to figure it out.

Oh wow, well done for standing up to that twat, but it's terrible that you are being shunned for it. You did absolutely the right thing, but it's hard when people treat you that way.
Dotty, that's horrible, I'm sorry.

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure what I'm comfortable saying. I think one day I want to be open about it all, I don't mean like telling everyone all the details, but to not be ashamed at all. Telling someone I have PTSD was a huge step, not even my family know that. I think if my boss asked, I'd be willing to mention the r word, but only to him. I consider him a friend as well as an employer.

I'm planning on challenging my shame and embarrassment in counselling, I still have some self blame issues to work on, so maybe it'll get easier to be more open with others as I deal with those issues.

Just said to cousin bet she's changed her will I took her to do it I was down as executer one and when paperwork through she had IT down as other one. She's told my cousin that my brothers in for a shock when she dies so I presume she's been to change it in his favour I'm not bothered never wanted her money me and my sister told her to leave it to the GDC's. It did cut deep when IT was put down as second executor though I was to gutless to say anything to her though.

We're here all the way with you Olympic. You are a brave lady standing up to the likes of him.

Chips, working on the shame element is a really good idea. I think it's a huge part of the suffering abuse causes - the feeling that this massive thing happened to you but you can never mention it. I still struggle with that, although I have told some of my friends. The one thing to be mindful of is that people's reactions can be shocking and can set you back. If you are unsure about how someone will react you need to be in a place where their reaction won't affect you IYSWIM - you need to be telling for yourself and not for their approval or support.

I haven't have PTSD dx officially but counsellor told me there was trauma,stress,anxiety along with all the problems I had with going out, sleeping, nightmares, crowds. Sister has said it as well as a friend who's coming out the other side. My dr has said she has many patients going through trauma and I was doing quite well considering, she said I am coping better than some who haven't gone through as much.

Yeah, I think some people don't know how to react and their views may be misguided, or naive. I know my family are incredibly sheltered, what little they know.. they pretty much told me to forget and move on. I'm not ready for negative reactions, not until I'm 100% sure that the self blame has gone. I know it's not my fault, but always there's a "but" in my mind.

It is difficult, it's like this huge huge secret we have to carry. I don't feel like I'm living a lie as such, but I do feel like I'm hiding part of me. I don't mean hiding as in, not telling everyone my story; more, that I do get down, I do suffer and even those close to me have no idea.

I feel the same way chips, and I think a lot of people on this thread feel it too. It's not like I want to go around shouting it from the rooftops but it does feel somehow wrong that people who have known me all my life don't know this about me. It feels like they don't know all of me.

It's a very hard topic to broach though.

You are doing great Dotty, not only with your past, but also with the reporting your abuse and still having to deal with family. PTSD diagnosis takes time, often they are reluctant, sometimes you have to push for it. I had an excellent GP when I was 18 who really pushed it for me, so I could get some help.

In general, I think everyone should be more open about abuse and rape, I think a lot of people are really clueless to how often it happens and the deep affect it can have. I actually think if it was less of a taboo subject people would be more willing to speak about it and seek help right away.

Sorry, am having a bit of an non-specific panic attack just now...

It seems I need to rejoin the thread. Had a load more memories come out in counselling today. I can't really talk about it because its far worse than the other things i've posted. I realise there are only a couple of you who know anything of what I went through anyway
I've been trying to kid myself for years that I can avoid this part but I guess I knew I couldn't really. I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts again recently so i'm worried this will make me worse. Need to be around people who understand, even if it is just online.
It still amazes me how easy blocked memories come out when the time is right. My childhood really was truly awful, everything about it. I have no idea how nobody noticed my parents were completely f*ing crazy.

Fuck why do I have absolutely no-one to talk to, no friends so I have to have one of DH's who now isn't even speaking to me. Feel like I'm going crazy and I don't know why.

Sorry amitola, i'm really no use to you, wish I was. Would just fuck it up if I tried.

Hugs Amitola and Offred, I'm here listening, keep posting if you can.

I don't know what to say really Olympic

Nice to find out that fucking bastard's allowed to live his normal life despite being on bail he's been to fucking Italy on holiday with his wife who is supposedly standing by him.

In other news my brother who wrote to me and basically said I was dead to him is repeating history his 14 nearly 15 year old daughter was late home by half an hour so he walloped her she went to school the following day and reported him they called child protection SW and police took her home at 6 pm he's been cautioned and arrested.

You can't fuck up on here Offred. Not that I think for one second you are fucking up in RL either. Just doing what us survivors do to survive I imagine.

I don't like me very much at the moment. Well I like who I am now, considering everything, but I really don't like the me I was as a young child.
I sat in my counselling earlier and realised I am well and truly fucked up. I know why and I know i'm doing bloody well considering but fuck me I wish I could block it all out again or get really drunk, then wake up and get really drunk again and again. But I can't even leave the pissing house to get one single beer. Which is probably a good thing seeing as I used to have problems with alcohol.

I've just started writing about my childhod but I ended up laughing at it. I could never write a book, nobody would believe it

Why would they let him go out of the country?

Good on your niece.

Calming down now.

Don't know what to do about it feel like phoning DC and asking about it it's really upset me after having a good day

What is stopping you doing that dotty?

Looking stupid only found out tonight