Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Itscurtains things are really different now police are on the ball they saw right through my lovely brother he put the act on all innocent but played straight into their hands he thought her was being clever where her words but he said everything they wanted to whatever you decide has to be your decision only.

I have had massive support of both DC's as well one even phoned on a saturday night she was on nights and just called for a chat.

Thank you dotty. I have been following your story here and really feel for you, and have also noted how you have been supported by the police.
So far they have been really supportive of me and encouraged me to go forward with things. I think even if I discuss next steps / procedure etc then I will know myself what to do. My gut feeling is to do it even though I know it will be hard.
Thanks for your perspectives and time. Its really helped. Will update once I've come to a conclusion x

I only reported my abuse a few years ago Dotty and things are no different in this county.
I don't mean to be negative, just realistic.

I don't think its naive at all. The actual people you speak to will almost certainly believe you, who in their right mind would make it up! But they can't force things through to court without an awful lot of evidence and it also depends on whether your police force has the money for it. Mine doesn't.

If you feel it will help you whatever the outcome thats a very positive frame of mind to be in. I'm still glad I reported my abuse but am very angry at them for what they did. Mine is different though and i've had many people who specialise in abuse confirm they are convering it up on purpose.

I just wanted to give another perspective because I wish someone had prepared me for what might happen.
You've got this thread though, so no matter what you will have support.

Take care everyone. I'll keep my opinions to myself again now

I don't think the police will change their mind about believing you - all abuser are v manipulative and clever and these officers are specialists in their fields - they know this.

It may be there won't be enough evidence to prosecute as the bar there is very high, but you mustnt take that as a sign of not being believed.

It's common to worry you will become and abuser and to worry other people may think that - if I'm being honest I have to say I was worried about dc and younger siblings - but according to the counsellor I saw - 1 in 6 abuse victims go onto abuse - which is no higher than non abuse victims.

Also I think, as we become less secretive - and society becomes more open - then even that figure will change as it is based on the days when child abuse was very much buried under the carpet.

Whatever you decide to do, the charities will still help you and support you and everyone here, on this thread, believes you.

Dottys force has been very different to the local one here. In now way have they provided emotional support - that doesn't mean they haven't effectively investigated the crime - but try aren't there on the end of a phone.

The most important question I think you need to ask is "what do I expect to get out of this?" think through what you hope to get.

Nice to see you around again Amitola, it would be good to know how you're doing.

Thanks Cailin. I have been great, really positive and the boys doing really well. But opened post yesterday to find a letter from ex SD's school saying a teacher is in court next month due to abuse allegations. Cue panic about sending my son to school again. I spent weeks agonising over whether to home ed or send him, had just decided to send him and now this has restored my worry about schools in general.
Also been threatened with a restraining order if i ever speak to ex SD again. I was nice to her, told her i still love her and even though she doesn't want to see me now will still be there for her in the future. She said I threatened her and she was extremely upset. I know its not her fault but am very upset about it. I've watched her personality drain away over the last few years and really wanted to help her, but somehow its all being blamed on me.
I suspect she is being abused, hope i'm wrong! but all the signs are there. If its not sexual abuse its definately emotional.

Its so hard trying to break away from abusive people, they have their own mad rules that make absolutely no sense.

Oh well, onwards to normal and nice people

How are you doing?

It's really great to hear you sounding so positive :) So sorry to hear what's going on with your SD, that's such a shame. I can understand your worry about school. I worry about ever letting my DS go to nursery or school, but I know I'll have to let go at some point.

I'm doing ok, some small issues with my parents, but nothing major. I think I'm slowly working through things, it's like I suddenly realise I've made some small bit of progress without noticing, largely due to this thread and the great people on it I think.

Thats good to hear, its nice when you notice progress isn't it :)

Its nice to see the thread is still going strong and lots of people are being supported. Good on you for starting it. I wish I had something like this a few years ago. It seems to be getting less taboo all the time, which is great :) Now to just remove all of the evil scum from the world and our childrens children will all be safe haha

If only Amitola, if only.

Found out this morning that the reason one of DD2's friends is in care is because of her scumbag father her mum is lovely left him but still she ended up in care. She's a real shy quiet lass now I know why.

The church and childrens homes covered up a lot of abuse and protected abusers, the church is still protecting abusers so it's not naive to think the police may not help.

NAPAC do help these kinds of situations and the more people who report the more they can do but many victims do not get justice and have to see their abuser carry on.

Private abuse of young children is easier to prove and deal with than community abuse of older children and teens. There's a long way to go.

I need some advice so thought someone here might be able to help. I'm struggling with my concerns about my ex's older children being abused. There are so many signs but no evidence and no disclosure.
If people are not abusive, surely they would be concerned that their child shows all the signs of being abused when it is pointed out? wouldn't they? I'm thinking either they were abused and deny it to themselves, or someone is telling them its not true, or they are involved.
I've tried social services but they think i'm just being malicious. Is it worth phoning nspcc or someone else? I never asked them outright because I know if they told me and everyone else tried to cover it up, I would be blamed for putting the idea in their heads. Their grandmother said children make these things up and get silly ideas from watching tv. Their father is 'mindful' of my concerns - twat!! I don't know if its their father, grandfather or step father. My radar flashes at all of them! which would explain why they all get on so well and stick together.

I'm wondering if I do it anonymously and nobody knows my link to these children, someone might take it seriously?

It is hard to say amitola, why did social services think you made it up maliciously? I don't know the back story sorry. The only thing I suppose I could say is if it is happening and they don't want to disclose that makes it difficult, I'm not sure what would be best in those circs

It's hard to say Amitola, I'm really not sure how it works. Ringing the NSPCC is a good idea, they might have some good advice for you. Or perhaps alert their school, if you can? Schools are required to take reports of abuse seriously and to keep an eye out. Why are SS thinking you're reporting maliciously? Surely they need to look into if there's even a suspicion of abuse?

SS should look into it, my ex made a lot of allegations against me and the school and ss were involved.

Someone reported them a few years ago and the social worker decided it was malicious without even checking. I've told the school but not sure if they did anything. I know they have had concerns seeing as the children have been crawling with nits for years, never wash and are clearly neglected.
Even my ex's awful family have said SS should be involved but never did anything. I told them about my concerns about abuse a couple of years ago when my ex fiddled with our son. But his ex wife said she was certain nobody was abusing them and as she had been married to him for 8 years she clearly knew him better than me. Even though she wasn't in the house and he even admitted to people he had changed :/ erm ok then.
Nobody believes a word I say about anything, I obviously look and sound like a liar.
I guess if the children say nothing there isn't anything anyone can do.
I'm probably better off not giving a fuck about them as nobody else seems too :(

On a different note - (I have opinions on the way SS treat step parents but I can't voice them - too identifiable) - I have joined a gym - I went Friday for a try - and I found it nice - I need to try and do something to break this cycle I am in where I can't muster up the strength/motivation to leave house without DH.

It's ridiculous - we had plans today to go to the local park - dh got called to work - and then I was crippled with anxiety and couldn't go alone.

So DCs were stuck in all day.

I think going with the anxiety, acknowledging it, finding out why you're anxious and finding tactics to help might be usefull.

But then I talk shite all the time :o

You know I'm so angry, angry that the legal system is so messed up, women (or men) don't feel they can report rapes or abuse, because we fear being believed. When we suspect abuse and report it, no one helps, hands are tied, legalities stop them blah fucking blah. When it actually makes it to court and there is a conviction sentences are ridiculous, fraud cases, drug cases get far stricter sentences. It's like a slap in the face, like we don't matter, like it wasn't horrific and traumatic.

I'm so so angry.

I'm angry that it's such a taboo subject, that I and so many hide it. I live a lie, no one knows; why should i live this lie? Because no one wants to hear it, it makes people uncomfortable. No one wants to admit this really happens, it's just something that happens to someone else. And just by being on here, it's shown me that those we should trust the most. i.e our family don't even believe or support us.

Rant over.

Hi curtains, nice to meet you, I'm sorry, I have very little knowledge of reporting, but keep posting, please. Nice to meet you amito.. I can imagine the situation with your exes older kids is very difficult to you, to know but no one will help must be so frustrating. It's not your fault.

I'm going to go and calm down now

I don't think you need to be embarrassed about being angry chips. I really believe anger is a good thing - it's an active emotion rather than a passive one and it shows that you're no longer putting up with things or blaming yourself as much. IMO anger is only negative when it starts to consume you. It's good to be angry and let it out then let it go, it can be very healing.

Thanks Cailin. My counsellor said maybe I need to be angry. I think he's probably right. I never cry over this and I never normally get angry. But lately, I'm just so angry at the system, at the people that do these things, at the people that should protect us but don't. And I'm so very angry at the photos on facebook today of my abuser at a friends party,(apparently someone I'm friends with, is friends with someone his wife is friends with, they've now been blocked) with his wife and kid, all happy. How dare he be happy?
I'm shaking with rage.

Anyway, how was the weekend for everyone? We've all had a vomiting bug.. lovely.

Blagh, vomiting bug, yuck. Hope you're all feeling better now.

I can see why you're angry - the thought that your abuser is just carrying on with his life while you're still suffering is absolutely galling. Feeling anger in that instance is a positive thing because it is directed at the right thing and it is not turned on yourself.

How do you think you could mitigate that anger, and turn it into something positive for yourself?

My weekend has been a bit manic but lovely overall. We were out all day yesterday, had lunch went to softplay etc, was really really nice. Today was spent on DIY and gardening. DH is just putting DS to bed at the moment (sounds like it's not going very well!) and there's a chicken roasting in the oven. Yum :)