Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 7

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

There's some really good links on the "those in emotionally abusive relationships" thread.

Hi all,

Have been lurking trying to gather the courage to post for ages. I admire you all for your integrity and courage. have namechanged to post as my other name gives details of dc etc that might out me in RL.

I am just needing some advice about going to the police. Have had initial conversation with them- they were fab and supportive and encouraged me to make a full written statement which I was scared about but am thinking about doing so this week. Can anyone tell me if its the right thing to do? Dreading repercussions from rest of family, some who know but are now distancing from me anyway and buying in to this person's story that I'm mentally ill ( which I'm not!). I was abused by a woman, both physically and sexually but I must have blanked the latter til it came flooding back after having my first child. Part of me is terrified I've made it up.

I've had counselling but never been able to get in touch with my feelings about it- which made me think it wasn't too bad, I've misread what she was doing, I must have imagined it and have a dirty mind etc (which she always made me feel anyway). I worry that I must have made it up esp as I am vague about the dates/ my exact age/ how long it went on for etc.

But I am now getting very upset and angry and want her to pay for what she has done to me. My main worry is that because of the gaps in memory the police won't take me seriously and buy into her idea that I am ill or a troublemaker etc (she knows I've told people about the physical abuse). I'm so confused but feel I need to go ahead as I can't live like this anymore. Please could someone give me any advice? thanks x

Only you can decide what to do for the best, what does your heart tell you?

Hi curtains, thanks for posting. Sorry to hear about what you went through.

I can't tell you one way or the other whether it's the right thing to do, because it's very hard to predict what the outcome will be and what the impact on your life will be. In essence, it very much is the right thing to do as you will be calling your abuser to account for what she did. But at the same time it is a long difficult process and it is not guaranteed that justice will be served.

Would you consider contacting Rape Crisis and talking to them about it? They will know about the legal system and what the process might entail for you given your circumstances. Other posters on the thread also have experience of bringing an abuser to court so they might have some advice for you.

Do you have support in real life? Someone you feel able to talk to about this?

Thanks offred, you're right. I feel like I need to do it also that I'm causing, or looking for, trouble and hurt and wrecking lives, when I should just be getting on and enjoying my little family

Thanks Cailin. I know the outcome I might want might not happen, but my feeling is that at least she'll know the police are on to her iyswim. But at the same time I don't want lots of people finding out the details either. And I don't want to waste police time when they have bigger things to be dealing with than my vague memories. RCrisis good idea, thanks x

I don't think you'd be wasting police time. What happened to you was a very serious crime and warrants just as much attention as any other crime.

Why don't you want people finding out the details?

It sounds like the only thing holding you back is your worry about what other people will think. Perhaps you need to think a little bit about why you are worrying about this and how you'll cope going to the police knowing you have that worry. I think if you do go you need to share that with them.

I also worry about peoples perceptions about disclosure.

I agree with contacting rape crisis for advice and councelling.

The only thing with not getting a positive court ending is if there are other victims who may come forward at another date or already have.

So sorry this has happenend to you.

Thanks, I think its just that I'm afraid people will think I'm not safe to be around their children (I would never harm my or anyone else's dc!) or that I'm somehow dirty or contaminated. A sense of shame I guess. Though on better days I know I haven't got anything to be ashamed of. I'm going to sleep on it. Thanks for giving me your time, I'm really grateful x

Worrying about how others will view you is completely normal. It takes a long time to come to terms with the fact that you are not to blame for what happened with you and you are in any way dirty or contaminated. Would you consider having counselling before you pursue a conviction, just to ensure your own wellbeing?

Thankyou for posting, I've struggled with the same things but didn't register it as shame.

There's no rush to decide anything, take your time, find support.

How are you doing now Cailin?

Yes agree that is a completely normal feeling to have. Counselling might help you decide whether you are ready.

Yes Cailin, I think counselling again might help. the first time I had it was helpful in helping me realise it was abuse but I felt so numb about it that I couldn't work through my feelings as I didn't have any at all. But they seem to be coming back with a vengence just now, I'm not sure why.
Going to try and sleep now, thank you again x

Itscurtains I disclosed to police last September lots I couldn't remember but you know what it didn't matter she just told me to tell her what I could if I could as on the way up to video suite I told her I'd never opened up to anyone she asked me if I thought I'd be able to but couldn't guarantee it at that moment only met her once before but spoke several times on the phone she put me at so much ease with her qentle questioning that iit flowed very easily. I was shaking which I hated and tried to stop but couldn't.

Also had counselling from rape crisis arranged by DC was amazing as I think I ended up with PTSD and that was my counsellers main job

Sorry missed your message last night Olympic, I had gone to bed. I'm much better now. My father being hospital sort of threw me I think. My feelings about my parents are still very mixed up.

Morning anyone who's up at this ungodly hour :)

Morning cailin, it's really shitty the way your mum behaved about that. My dad did similar with my mum recently sent a text "your mother has gone to A&E as gone unconscious" then nothing. My dad left her in the hospital in her nightie and went to work!!!

It's typical of my mum really. She just sends random texts - "your aunt has breast cancer," "the cat died," "your dad is in hospital," no explanation or follow up. I have to extract every molecule of information from her. I wonder if she does it deliberately to force me to talk to her and show an interest in her. Her reactions to things are so bizarre.

cailin, morning, btw I'm on a name change again, (am the one with the bamboo stick mother and the sister who got it)

everyone, good morning, mine does exactly the same with the text thing

part of me thinks she doesnt get the etiquette involved in texting, she just thinks type out the words or whatever

but it seems so insincere or unfeeling or sthing to just text, 'so and so has bowel cancer' like she is some kind of newspaper having to tell us.

she just has no respect for privacy. No boundaries.

Morning pink :)

Sometimes my mother seems totally disconnected emotionally from life. I was living away and I came back to visit to be told that their cat had been run over two weeks previously. And no one had thought to tell me. My mother laughed when I got annoyed at her for not letting me know. I mean that's bizarre, isn't it?

Itscurtains I hardly ever post on here anymore but just wanted to reply to you. I would take a bit more time before reporting it to the police. It is something I feel all survivors should do, but you need to be very certain of yourself and your memories. Some people find great support and some don't.

Have more counselling, write about it, allow your inner child to open up and tell people. It's a hard thing to go through and the justice system is set up to protect them not us. I'm sorry this is so negative but the reality is it is very hard to prove historical abuse unless you have evidence and witnesses.

Please don't underestimate the lengths these abusive people will go to to disprove what you are saying. If they are already claiming you are mentally ill and other family members are not supporting you, you might be left very isolated with it.

Report it when you know you are ready to deal with whatever they throw at you :)

I wouldn't say the justice system is designed to protect them and not us but it is designed to not convict innocent people and therefore criminal burden of proof is beyond reasonable doubt. With a serious criminal case if they plead not guilty it will go to a jury trial which can be an upsetting experience. However CPS will not normally refer to court if there is insufficient evidence.

However I agree in spirit, you need to consider this carefully and probably with support. Starting with how you feel about what you want to do.

Thank you Amitola. I know things could turn nasty and I know she has done all she can to discredit me as a person over the years but I feel I've nothing more to lose now really because of this. I already feel isolated from the rest of my family and in a way I want to actually distance myself further now.

Even though the police believed me during our initial conversation I know they may change their mind once they speak to her - she is v manipulative and will put he "poor little me" act on and call in as character refs the people she has told what an awful person I am. So in a way I won't win.

But I want to stop being passive now and let her know that I know what she did was wrong and she is evil etc. I look at my dc and think WTAF?! I've spent the last few years in denial, blaming myself, worrying if I'd abuse my babies because of HER! I can't go on like this anymore.

I doubt it will get as far as court because I know there is no "evidence" and no corroborating evidence as far as I know either.

Perhaps I'm being naive though - I thought the justice system might support me and believe me - I don't think I could bear it if they don't.