Porn in the bathroom #2

[Stupiditysquared]

You may not remember this, but over a year ago, I posted a thread about finding some pornographic pictures in the bathroom.

I haven't linked to the thread, because it went on for ages (until it was full) and got derailed by all sorts of mysterious twitter feed stuff.

Basically I found some porn pictures in the bathroom when I got home from work, and asked teenage DD if she knew anything about them I genuinely thought it was some teenage experimentation. Ultimately of course they turned out to be DH's pictures. This was a bit of a shock to me because AFAIK he didn't (a) use porn or (b) use that bathroom and (c) I didn't know that he'd been home.

It was an emotional weekend, tbh. DH was shouting at me for asking DD about it. I admit, before you flame me, that this was entirely stupid of me. DD shouted at him for being a pervert. It's all calm now, or so I thought.

Anyhow I was in the car yesterday with DD and we were giggling about something on the topic of bathrooms. DD then said she didn't like using the bath. There was something about the way she said it. So I asked her if she meant the bath generally or the particular bath in the bathroom she uses. She told me it was the particular bath in that bathroom. I asked her what was wrong with the bath. I pointed out that it was a perfectly nice bath. Quite new, fitted along the length of a wall, with candles and nice things, and a convenient shower attachment for doing hair ...

Anyhow it transpires that DD will never ever use that bath again because she cannot stand the thought of what her Dad was doing in that bath. She has in fact not used it for over a year. So now I am worried that she's got some kind of trauma. So erm, where now? I know that all teenagers are discomfited about the thought that their parents have a sex life. But this goes beyond discomfort, doesn't it?

Unfortunately, it didn't get dealt with properly at the time, did it?
She no doubt feels that you took sides with your DH, what he did and how he dealt with the aftermath was unforgivable in the eyes of many of us who tried to support you at the time.
He violated her own personal space, of course she doesn't want to use her bath, it must be horrible for her to even go into that room.

Am I right in thinking your husband was wanking to porn in your daughters bathroom?

And you are now surprised she feels odd about using it?

Are you mental? Were you ever a teenage girl?

What have you done to try and make this okay for her?

Trauma may be too strong a word for it. How old is she? Can you have a proper talk with her about why some adults use porn? For some it is a part of their sex life with their partner. I know many use it privately and this appears to be what your DH did, but it needn't alwYs be like that for all couples.
I may well get flame here, but try to find out what she thinks. Don't project your feelings onto her, if you can help it.
Would your DH be able to talk to her in any way? He caused this problem, sounds like you are having to clean up behind him, very tough on you...
Schools should have a unit where teenagers can discuss these sorts of issues with an uninvolved adult. Is that a possibility for her? Best of luck.

No Maleficence - I can see now that it was not dealt with properly at the time.
Thank you for your consistent support on the old thread, btw, it was much appreciated at an emotional time.

Yes GK, that's about the sum total of it. Although it is not specifically her bathroom - where it is located in the house is between the DCs rooms and they use it. DH doesn't. I'd appreciate any thoughts or insights you might have into how to begin to make this right, btw, because clearly it is a much bigger issue for her than I thought.

Starting point - take her to the closest place that sells and fits bathrooms. Get her to help choose and design one and get it fitted asap.

Use your DH's credit card to pay.

A few grand is a small price to pay to help your D get over this

So she never ever sits on your bed?

Surely she still have showers/ baths?

You may need to tell her that sometimes adults take pleasure from their bodies and that it is natural.

Buying a new bath is an over reaction.

Oh she still has showers all the time. Just not baths.

I don't think buying a new bath will change her feelings, even if you move house she needs to process whatever she is feeling.

I think the risk is if you buy her a new bathroom and then say 'there you go, all better' she will feel like she should be and might make it worse.

How much have you talked with her about why she feels uncomfortable, how she feels about her dad etc?

She has not experienced 'trauma' FFS.
Of course she feels nasty about the thought of her dad having a tug in her bathroom. Put yourself in her shoes.
Echo what others have said about talking to her and trying to reassure her.

Lueji it is one thing for a teenager to have a problem with 'adults take pleasure from their bodies' in their own space/bedroom. Is is quite another to find out that you Dad has been taking porn into your bathroom (that he doesn't use) to wank.

I didn't ever see the original thread, so can't comment that much. I find it beyond odd though, why the fuck did he do it?

That question occupied pretty well the whole of the previous thread and there really hasn't been an answer to that. I really don't know. He's never addressed that. I perhaps could have done more to find out.

Do you not feel the need to find out now?

In all honesty I think the first step to you helping your daughter is you sorting this out with your dh and getting some answers. Do you not find it odd?

If it was me there I couldn't possibly just leave it.

I remember your thread very well. sad - but not surprised - that it is still an issue for your daughter all this time later. Poor kid.

I remember your thread so well.

It was a whole lot more complex than a simple masturbation in the bathroom scenario wasn't it though? His reaction and the aftermath was very weird as was the dynamic it changed in your family. I remember how upset you were.

I am not surprised at this tbh. It wasn't dealt with at all.

I too remember this thread. It's very sad, but not surprising, to see this update. Have you ever discussed it with your DD before the recent comments she made?

Why the bath specifically, though?

I wasn't around during the previous thread.

Is she specifically freaked out by the use of porn or the thought of dad wanking?

I mean, what if she catches mum and dad having sex on the kitchen table, or the sofa?

But basically, she needs some reassurance and a proper talk, not changing tubs.

I remember that previous thread op you got slated for speaking to your dc before tackling your Dh if I remember rightly, sorry to hear there are still problems, not sure what advice to give you really, chat to your dd and maybe redecorate the bathroom to remove some of the superficial memories? Swap bathrooms around?? Maybe there is someone at school like a mentor or counsellor your dd can speak to!

That's a good idea

Lueji - you asked why the bath in particular, and that's because I found the pictures on the side of the bath, so clearly had been used by someone in the bath.

I've talked about it with her and offered to swap bedrooms to see if that will help. The bedrooms are roughly the same size and there's a bathroom in ours. She says she's fine with things as they are. I wonder though ...

I agree with the posters who say your dd needs to talk this through with someone. It's probably more about how it all came out and the aftermath than the actual use of the bathroom. But the bath is a trigger for those feelings.

For those of us who didn't read your first thread, could you give us a quick re-cap of how your dh reacted. Did he deny it at first? Did he try to deflect attention from him by involving your dd? How did you feel about it then and how do you feel now. Did he speak to her about it and explain why he chose to use that bathroom and why he was in the bath? Has he explained himself to you in a way that you are satisfied with. Did she see the pictures? Were they particularly bad?

Also, have you discussed with your dd the fact that masturbation is perfectly natural and that most adults do it (though obviously not all use porn).

A few grand is a small price to pay to help your D get over this

yes, of course it is... everyone has a few grand to just splash out on a new bath for no good reason.. for heavens sakes, the daughter didnt walk in and catch him at it!

Does your daughter never go on holiday and stay in hotels? You can be damn sure the bathrooms AND showers in any hotel room have been used for a lot more than just washing.

Do you think there's any reason why he would have chosen her bathroom and left the porn there to be found? Sorry to ask but is there any undercurrent here if anything else going on?? I think you know what I mean

It wasnt specifically HER bathroom, OP has already explained that.

It was a bathroom her DH didn't usually use though. And it is a bit odd to leave porn in a bathroom that your teenagers use.

If I remember the op unfortunately confronted her kids and made a bit of a stink about the pictures left in the bathroom, before realising it may of been her Dh, her Dh used that bathroom as he had less chance of being discovered and just forgot to hide the pictures when he had finished, the dd seemed not to cope well with finding out her father used porn!

I'm not all surprised she didn't like the idea - poor thing! God I don't think I could have coped with that at her age !!! But I didn't see the other thread do I don't know what the fathers reaction was and whether he has apologised or tried to speak to his family about it