Porn in the bathroom #2

[Stupiditysquared]

You may not remember this, but over a year ago, I posted a thread about finding some pornographic pictures in the bathroom.

I haven't linked to the thread, because it went on for ages (until it was full) and got derailed by all sorts of mysterious twitter feed stuff.

Basically I found some porn pictures in the bathroom when I got home from work, and asked teenage DD if she knew anything about them I genuinely thought it was some teenage experimentation. Ultimately of course they turned out to be DH's pictures. This was a bit of a shock to me because AFAIK he didn't (a) use porn or (b) use that bathroom and (c) I didn't know that he'd been home.

It was an emotional weekend, tbh. DH was shouting at me for asking DD about it. I admit, before you flame me, that this was entirely stupid of me. DD shouted at him for being a pervert. It's all calm now, or so I thought.

Anyhow I was in the car yesterday with DD and we were giggling about something on the topic of bathrooms. DD then said she didn't like using the bath. There was something about the way she said it. So I asked her if she meant the bath generally or the particular bath in the bathroom she uses. She told me it was the particular bath in that bathroom. I asked her what was wrong with the bath. I pointed out that it was a perfectly nice bath. Quite new, fitted along the length of a wall, with candles and nice things, and a convenient shower attachment for doing hair ...

Anyhow it transpires that DD will never ever use that bath again because she cannot stand the thought of what her Dad was doing in that bath. She has in fact not used it for over a year. So now I am worried that she's got some kind of trauma. So erm, where now? I know that all teenagers are discomfited about the thought that their parents have a sex life. But this goes beyond discomfort, doesn't it?

could you pm me?

(sorry to be checky)

I can't find any airport thread either even under the other name

agreed sweetthesting - which makes dd the only normal one in this scenario imo but her sense of normal is getting relayed back to her as abnormal, and the abnormal getting portrayed as normal. that is basically how to head fuck your child in a nutshell.

i don't read the OP as low in self esteem or intelligence so i'm afraid i can only see this as willful ignoring of reality at the expense of her children. i do hope the dd has friends with parents in healthy relationships so that she gets exposed to alternative models of living to reinforce her gut instinct about what's right.

The OP seems to believe that never confronting her husband or questioning his behaviour makes things easier and will result in problems solving themselves. It seems to me your daughter and perhaps even your husband are desparate to see some kind of reaction from you, you're clearly an intelligent and capable woman but for some reason you won't stick up for yourself and more importantly your daughter. Not engaging in bitchiness and slanging matches is strong, never sticking up for what is right is weak. What he did was really weird (I'm happy to judge), it doesn't sit right with most people on here but what really gets me is the passive attitude of the OP. If you were my mother or partner you would drive me absolutely loopy with your refusal to deal with problems. You aren't solving them by ignoring them. It shouldn't be on your daughter's shoulders. Get angry, deal with your husband!

What is this hysteria about, precisely?

The suggestion that DH was grooming DD is patently absurd, but I considered it out of respect for those who had taken time and trouble to post, and tried to explain my certainty that this was not the case

No-one in my household has EVER allowed a child to look at porn. Never. I was cross with DH, firstly for having these pictures and secondly for leaving them around so carelessly. Because it could have resulted in either of the DCs finding the pictures.

DD did trawl through DH's (password protected) computer without my knowledge. I think that it is wrong to violate someone's privacy in that way. I do not think that it is cowardly in any way not to have invaded someone's space like that. Put it this way - how often do we tell our children that two wrongs don't make a right? If DH has been looking (legally but in my view wrongly) at porn, does it therefore make it right for me to go through his PC? No it doesn't. I do not think that DD should have gone through his laptop.

I posted on here for ideas and suggestions. You told me that the issue resolved around DH, and I agree with you that this issue does. He and I are going to counselling as a result. DH is ashamed of his porn use and has said that he no longer uses it. I do think we have taken action as a result of this thread, so how it demonstrates that I am not listening, I do not know.

DD is the picture of health and happiness. She seems very well-adjusted to me, and is extremely well able to articulate her own feelings and thoughts. She's a gorgeous girl and I am lucky to have her.

I'm slightly dismayed at the hysteria on this thread. I'm sure part of it must be due to my not having communicated things properly, and part of it must be due to the snapshot nature of threads, but really the things that some of you are imagining are simply not so.

Thank you for those of you who posted your thoughts and insights and provided support. I am going to bow out at this juncture.

i have looked and cant find it.

I doubt very much whether this issue will ever be put to bed for your daughter until her father has spoken to her about it, and apologised. Frankly, this is the sort of thing that could mess up her relationships with me for the rest of her life. His refusal to discuss this with her would be a complete dealbreaker for me.

At the very least, you should get your daughter some professional counselling so that she can talk this through with a neutral party.

SweettheSting - thanks for your measured post. I think that all of what you said rings true. I'm not denying that DH and I had ENTIRELY different views - which is why we are trying to resolve them. I agree also that failing to resolve them properly last time did cause a lingering issue with DD.

Op. What happened about this airport thing?

What are your husbands good points?

I am going to again go against the majority here, because I have been that wilful, opinionated teenage girl, and I can actually see where the OP is coming from here.

I could play my parents off against each other, and I dont think the daughter is quite as "distressed" as she is making out to be honest. I personally would say she is laying it on a bit, and milking what was a grubby situation, but hardly the end of the world.

OP should not have allowed the daughter to start interfering on the husbands laptop, although whether that was done with consent or without I cannot remember. Either way, a teenage girl has no right to go hacking her fathers private history on his computer, and is in the wrong for doing so.

I dont think the girl needs private counselling, nor do I think this is going to mess up her life. Porn exists, and I would bet she has seen plenty of it at school on her mates phones.

I vaguely recall the airport thread too, didnt realise it was the same OP, but from what I do remember, the husband is a bit of a tosser, and I think the problem here is the OP being too soft on everyone around her. No offence OP, I just think you need to toughen up on ALL of them.

The airport thread: in essence, the OP had a very important business trip scheduled and her flight out was booked for first thing in the morning. It had been agreed between OP and her H that he would take their children to school in the morning, which would be after the OP left the house. Last thing the night before, the H announced that he wouldn't be doing the school run after all. No explanation offered, although I seem to recall that OP didn't think there was any reason for the H to change his mind - it wasn't as if his boss had demanded that he go to a customer meeting or anything like that. In fact i think he may have been working from home. The H also didn't offer any solution to the OP. OP simply ordered a taxi to take the children to school. I don't recall that the H ever explained why he acted as he did.

She pursues her point relentlessly until you concede it

But OP that is not true!

She tried to pursue her point with her father but he most certainly did not concede it.

I was cross with DH, firstly for having these pictures and secondly for leaving them around so carelessly. Because it could have resulted in either of the DCs finding the pictures

Yes, exactly! And has he admitted he was wrong or did he try to blame you?
Has he apologised to you or did he try to deflect attention away from himself?
Has he shown he is sorry by apologising to the dcs and reassuring them or did he shout at everyone until they left him alone?

Your dd is, quite rightly, expecting an apology from her father. That's it. All she needs is for him to say, I made a stupid mistake, I put you at risk, I am sorry and I won't do it again.

Then you and he can get off to your counselling to work on repsect and communication within your relationship.

As to whether your dd is distressed - I believe her.

So this airport thing op. Is your husband really that much of a wanker or did there turn out to be reasonable explanation?

Were you able to discuss it with him or was that to be avoided as yell

. . . as well in case of a nuclear explosion?

Excuse the posting too soon. My phone has been reprimanded!

that was to be avoided as well.

avoiding seems a common tactic.

he does what he likes and the OP prides herself on not reacting.

sounds great fun

maybe the OP thinks that the husband is doing these things to get at her and by reacting he wins so she has stoped reacting so the husband stops being a twat and the dd and ds are getting fucked up in the cross fire?

Meh, im going to go against the grain here too. Your dp came home, had a wank in the family bathroom to porn, forgot to hide it away after, and you came home and discovered it. So far, imo no huge biggie. Your against porn, which is your right, your dp obviously wasn't. Leaving it out was a pretty stupid thing to do but I doubt he did it deliberately for your dc to find, more absent mindedness, which you have said is quite usual for him. You could have had a discussion with your dp about the porn (even if you thought it was one of your dc) and that would have been the end of the matter. But instead you accuse your dd? But what is done is done. At the end of the day your dd will have to accept that porn is legal, some people do use it, and wanking is normal. It is icky to think your parents do any of this, and tbh i try and supress any thoughts that my parents do anything. But I don't think she should need counselling to come to terms with any of that. Nor new bathrooms or room swapping.

I think the OP needs to address the real issues here. The fact that the DH reacted badly is perfectly natural, but the fact that he blamed the OP for his frankly appalling behaviour is questionable and frankly disturbing. From what I have seen, It is clear that the DH walks all over her and she is too engrossed in dealing with the issues of her DD to recognise that she needs to confront her DH and emphasise how much she disagrees with his revolting behaviour.

As for the DD, I feel sorry for her, and the OP in fact. Her reaction was understandable, and the most normal out of all of them from what I have read in previous posts. I would talk to her one to one and express personal views on the situation. Tbh, if I caught my husband leaving such hardcore porn in the bathroom that my own children use, I would be livid. The OP needs to toughen up, sort her twat of a husband out, stand up for herself and address her DD's needs and recognise that the relationship between the DH and DD could be permanently damaged due to the manner in which the situation was handled.

What does the DS think about this? How old is he?

How are you doing, OP?