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Original poster

Porn in the bathroom #2

221 replies

Stupiditysquared · 20/05/2012 12:25

You may not remember this, but over a year ago, I posted a thread about finding some pornographic pictures in the bathroom.

I haven't linked to the thread, because it went on for ages (until it was full) and got derailed by all sorts of mysterious twitter feed stuff.

Basically I found some porn pictures in the bathroom when I got home from work, and asked teenage DD if she knew anything about them I genuinely thought it was some teenage experimentation. Ultimately of course they turned out to be DH's pictures. This was a bit of a shock to me because AFAIK he didn't (a) use porn or (b) use that bathroom and (c) I didn't know that he'd been home.

It was an emotional weekend, tbh. DH was shouting at me for asking DD about it. I admit, before you flame me, that this was entirely stupid of me. DD shouted at him for being a pervert. It's all calm now, or so I thought.

Anyhow I was in the car yesterday with DD and we were giggling about something on the topic of bathrooms. DD then said she didn't like using the bath. There was something about the way she said it. So I asked her if she meant the bath generally or the particular bath in the bathroom she uses. She told me it was the particular bath in that bathroom. I asked her what was wrong with the bath. I pointed out that it was a perfectly nice bath. Quite new, fitted along the length of a wall, with candles and nice things, and a convenient shower attachment for doing hair ...

Anyhow it transpires that DD will never ever use that bath again because she cannot stand the thought of what her Dad was doing in that bath. She has in fact not used it for over a year. So now I am worried that she's got some kind of trauma. So erm, where now? I know that all teenagers are discomfited about the thought that their parents have a sex life. But this goes beyond discomfort, doesn't it?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 21/05/2012 08:37

It's not up to an adult to decide that a child should not be bothered by her father wanking on her bath whilst viewing porn. If she's upset then her feelings are valid and need afdressing

SuePBlovesaDiamondJubilee · 21/05/2012 08:38

I can see how she'd still be feeling odd about it.

As an aside, your PMs got re-posted on Twitter? Really? That's awful.

swallowedAfly · 21/05/2012 08:44

haven't read every post on this thread - i did read the other thread.

i think you need to explore with your dd her feelings about her dad and whether there is anything else that alarms her. it could well be that the porn incident latched onto existing concerns/discomfort over him. i think you need to have a dig and find out if there is anything else that contributes to her feelings/reaction.

it IS odd to come home in the middle of the day and pour yourself a bath in the bathroom you don't use but your teenage dd does and place porn on the side to wank to in there. it just IS. i don't think you wanted to look at how strange that was - your dd knows there was something wrong in it and telling her it was all fine and normal has done nothing to ease her mind and i suspect not yours either.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/05/2012 08:52

Swallowed, good post.

OP, I really do think you need to listen to DD's and your instincts about the whole incident.

AnAirOfHope · 21/05/2012 08:55

Your dd is 14 and about to start exploring her own sexuality. What happened will of affected her. This is such an important time for your dd and what happen may have a very big impact on her development - what is health and normal.

I would ask dd to.go to relate counciling and explore these feeling with someone who is not a family member.

CuriousMama · 21/05/2012 09:04

Agree some counselling may be needed here? And as for your dh Hmm Don't really want to go there.

CuriousMama · 21/05/2012 09:05

Agree with swallowed I think you're in denial tbh.

ComradeJing · 21/05/2012 09:14

Oh and absolutely what SAF and DropDeadFred said.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 09:15

Deviant behaviour in father

Mother in denial

quelle surprise the teenage daughter hasn't "got over it"

cocolepew · 21/05/2012 09:21

There's a big difference in mislaying your keys/mobile and 'forgetting' to remove porn from a room that your children use.

susiedaisy · 21/05/2012 09:24

I think op you're probably going to get pretty much the same response as last time, I hope you can get the support for your dd that she needs, such a shame she had to be involved in the first place.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/05/2012 09:27

The whole thing has suggests sexual grooming and the fact that H is refusing to discuss/apologise is a worry. No wonder OP is in denial Sad

Nyac · 21/05/2012 09:29

Haven't read the rest of the thread, but did you ever stand up to your husband? Because the way it went the last time, you were pretty much going to roll over and let him trample all over the family. Despite the fact he'd left pornography in your children's bathroom.

What he did was a violation, so I'm not sure what sort of result you expected?

squeakytoy · 21/05/2012 09:39

Madabouthotchoc Hmm You seem to be determined to pin this as the father trying to groom his daughter, which I think is actually quite insulting to the OP.

Dropdeadfred · 21/05/2012 09:47

I don't necessarily think this is a grooming issue - but I can imagine why a young girl would be worrying as to why her dad would choose to use her bathroom to do something that she cannot comprehend.
She's too young to really understand the complexities of an adult male's sexuality and not should she have to.
I think the most shameful thing here, after the actual event, is that her dad has not taken the time to reassure her or try and make things better

AnAirOfHope · 21/05/2012 09:49

Ffs people op wants some support not wild seclulation.

Yes it has affected dd

yes she needs counciling on her own

you all need family counciling to get past what happened.

Op im sorry you are in the middle of this and i hope your husband is helping with getting everyone the help you need.

I would also suggest you and husband go to relate as well because your relationship does not sound healthy.

Nyac · 21/05/2012 09:51

Grooming is a possibility but given that the OP is in complete denial about this, she's not going to find out is she.

I mean why would you want to go into your children's bathroom to have sexual thoughts and a sexual experience? The incest taboo should clearly put a stop to that.

OP, you're still in exactly the same place, wanting to have "discussions" with your daughter as if her reaction is the problem. It's not. His behaviour and your reaction is the problem. It's just unbelievable that you still think this:

"I am absolutely sure that leaving the pictures in the bathroom was an accident. A complete and total accident. "

He deliberately printed off porn, deliberately went into his children's bathroom, an intimate space surrounded by their things, and then masturbated. And you want to believe that's an accident? I suppose it means that you don't have to stand up to him though.

TBH I didn't think it at the time, but now I'd wonder what thoughts he was using the porn as an aid to. Because it would be very difficult not to think about his children when he was wanking in their bathroom. Maybe you need to start taking this seriously and confront him. Show him the threads and let him know what people think about his behaviour, because you're clearly not going to make a judgement, and your daughter still needs protecting.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/05/2012 09:52

OK, looking at what has come out on this thread:

  • He chose DD's bathroom to display pics of hardcore porn and have a wank

  • Porn was selected, downloaded and printed - why not take laptop to his own bathroom/bedroom for a wank?

  • He refuses to discuss incident - gets very defensive

  • He refuses to apologise

  • DD still feels uneasy

  • OP feels unable to raise this with her H - why?

I really do hope its NOT grooming but the whole thing is dodgy.

Nyac · 21/05/2012 09:52

If a teacher went into the pupils' toilets at school to masturbate and left the pornography he was using lying around, would people find that acceptable?

squeakytoy · 21/05/2012 09:55

I would imagine the reason the dad has not taken the time to "reassure her" is because he feels mortified and does not wish to discuss his wanking with his daughter. He made a very very daft mistake, he didnt commit any crime!

Lets say this was the other way round, and the OP had left a vibrator on the side of the bath, or even some porn, because some women do actually watch and read porn, I somehow suspect the responses from many posters would be very different and much more sympathetic to the OP.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/05/2012 09:58

cross posted with nyac's post

My main concern is the DD's welfare - don't really care if I have offended OP in having named the elephant in this thread. OP really needs to look at her H's behaviour in order to help her DD.

Nyac · 21/05/2012 10:00

She doesn't need reassuring. He needs to apologise for what he did and take full responsibility.

Although how you make an apology - "I'm sorry I went into your bathroom, a place where you are often naked, to masturbate to extreme pornography [the OP thought they were pictures of rape] and then left it lying there for you to see" - is anybody's guess.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/05/2012 10:00

Squeaky - if H really sees his action as a mistake then why not apologise?

As for a vibrator in DC's bathroom - it is still dodgy, don't think I could ever bring myself to want to wank in my DC's space.

HereIGo · 21/05/2012 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnAirOfHope · 21/05/2012 10:01

I think they need rl professional help from someone trained in child protection such as a councilor who is not related to the dd. To help the dd talk about her feelings and help her.