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Original poster

Porn in the bathroom #2

221 replies

Stupiditysquared · 20/05/2012 12:25

You may not remember this, but over a year ago, I posted a thread about finding some pornographic pictures in the bathroom.

I haven't linked to the thread, because it went on for ages (until it was full) and got derailed by all sorts of mysterious twitter feed stuff.

Basically I found some porn pictures in the bathroom when I got home from work, and asked teenage DD if she knew anything about them I genuinely thought it was some teenage experimentation. Ultimately of course they turned out to be DH's pictures. This was a bit of a shock to me because AFAIK he didn't (a) use porn or (b) use that bathroom and (c) I didn't know that he'd been home.

It was an emotional weekend, tbh. DH was shouting at me for asking DD about it. I admit, before you flame me, that this was entirely stupid of me. DD shouted at him for being a pervert. It's all calm now, or so I thought.

Anyhow I was in the car yesterday with DD and we were giggling about something on the topic of bathrooms. DD then said she didn't like using the bath. There was something about the way she said it. So I asked her if she meant the bath generally or the particular bath in the bathroom she uses. She told me it was the particular bath in that bathroom. I asked her what was wrong with the bath. I pointed out that it was a perfectly nice bath. Quite new, fitted along the length of a wall, with candles and nice things, and a convenient shower attachment for doing hair ...

Anyhow it transpires that DD will never ever use that bath again because she cannot stand the thought of what her Dad was doing in that bath. She has in fact not used it for over a year. So now I am worried that she's got some kind of trauma. So erm, where now? I know that all teenagers are discomfited about the thought that their parents have a sex life. But this goes beyond discomfort, doesn't it?

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 21/05/2012 11:56

I think its normal for your dd to think its majorly icky. Who wants to know their dad wanks!

TheShriekingHarpy · 21/05/2012 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 12:03

Yes I do have a son TSH.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 21/05/2012 12:05

I agree its a plausible explanation but its not the same one offered in the original thread (i.e change of scenery).

It seems that there are still issues to be dealt with - the porn, the secrecy and lack of communication and so on.

As for your DD, please do not normalise porn and you need to accept her feelings as being valid. She is not being a drama queen or silly.

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 12:09

Sorry, missed a set of questions.

If I told him to sort it out, there would be a nuclear explosion.

I am not okay with anyone looking at porn, in all honesty.

Would he be okay discussing sex with the DC's - I doubt it. I did the birds and the bees conversations, with useful books etc. Also did the periods conversation with DD and the shaving conversation with DS.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 12:17

I really hope you don't pick up on phraseology like "drama queen" in relation to your daughter's distress, nor let your husband dismiss her feelings in any similar way

He did do that though, didn't he ? And because you appeased him, so did you. These particular chickens always come home to roost, I am afraid

Brush your daughter's needs under the carpet in deference to your husband...and you will reap the consequences

weeonion · 21/05/2012 12:17

Why would your dh not want to sort this out?? Ok, he is embarassed but as a grownup , he needs to show yr dd that he accepts how she feels about this. Not just that you accept how upset she may feel but that HE does too. If there is the threat of nuclear explosion if you just asked him to address this - then i think there is more to his reaction that just embarassment.

I really think you need to allow dd to explore what has gone on and is still going on for her around this. I have worked with young women who really struggled in their relationships after finding / seeing their fathers porn. What they struggled with was NOT the concept that their father masturbated or became aroused but realising the kind of materials that turned their fathers on. I think yr dd didnt actually see the pictures but she may well have seen porn in other circumstances - shown it at school etc. She will have a pretty good idea what porn is and could be struggling to come to terms with connecting her father too those type of images.

DowagersHump · 21/05/2012 12:19

It's bloody odd behaviour. I don't believe anyone forgets to put porn away, particularly when they've gone home for a wank in the middle of the day and used a bathroom their children use and that they never normally use.

I don't know if it's grooming or not but if you had not found it (which I presume is a very real possibility) then one of your DCs would have.

weeonion · 21/05/2012 12:20

stupiditysquared - does your dh know that you are not ok with anyone looking at porn? Does he therefore realise by extension that it includes him? If he does know this and continues to do it - then there is a problem. I dont know the other thread so apologies for asking something that may have beren covered before.

susiedaisy · 21/05/2012 12:21

IMO there's two clear issues here one is that op needs to guide her dc to the right help to get them to figure out a way of coming to terms with the incident so that family relations don't break down completely overtime, and two the op needs to sort out her relationship with Dh and address the porn use! And I don't really get the vibe that there is any grooming going on tbh, op's Dh uses porn in secret and got caught out, that's it really , it was the op's decision to go to her dc before speaking to her Dh that had caused the shit to hit the fan!

TheShriekingHarpy · 21/05/2012 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/05/2012 12:25

f I told him to sort it out, there would be a nuclear explosion.

I find that disturbing and wonder why would he be so angry? Is there not more to it than mere embarrassment?

Why are you not putting your DD first on this occasion?

Why are you allowing him to get away with not taking any responsibility? He was the one who left the porn in the bathroom!!

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 12:28

I've never referred to DD as a drama queen. Why would I? She isn't one. She's a super girl. There's no question of normalising porn either btw or of putting DH's needs ahead of hers. I'm concerned that she is a bit traumatised by the whole episode over a year on, hence the reason for the thread.

And yes, had I not found the pictures, the DCs ABSOLUTELY would have done. Both of them bath and shower in the evenings whereas I shower in the mornings. It was mere happenstance that someone had nipped to the loo downstairs, so I scooted upstairs to go to the loo and found the offending pictures.

The DCs finding the pictures is a much worse scenario from DH's POV but of course it's not one he chooses to mention. I sincerely doubt he would have remembered in time or gone into that bathroom again. Yet in his mind, I'm entirely culpable for mentioning the pictures to the DC.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 12:30

Does this man take any responsibility for anything ?

Not his weird porn use freaking out his daughter

Not his wife's feelings and fear of him

Not his children's education re. life skills, socialisation, relationships, how to have a shave, ffs

Not his own "nuclear" temper

I am getting a visual of a supremely arrogant man who wanks over his territory, uses porn because he "fucking well feels like it and he'll jack off to it where the fuck he likes 'cos he pays for this house and all of you to live there etc"

Am I getting close, OP ?

weeonion · 21/05/2012 12:32

He printed the pictures. he took them to that room. He was the one who choose to do that, somewhere where they could be found by dcs. He has to take responsibility for that.

Are there any local youth advice services or equivalent? Your dd might find it useful to speak to some one outisde the family on some issues?

I think more important is the fact that her father wont address this.

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 13:15

Aye, I know. I agree with you all in theory except DH is really not capable of talking rationally on this subject. And DD would potentially be freaked out more tbh if he tried to talk to her about it.

It's an ingenious suggestion, TSH except I honestly don't think it is possible. DH is not the sort of man to take other people's blame. And there really honestly would never have been a big deal about it had it been either of the DCs. We would have had a rational (albeit toe-curling) conversation.

It only became a monumental issue when DH blew up massively, causing DD to blow up in turn etc And she hasn't forgotten it and she is upset still, I reckon.

OP posts:
SweetTheSting · 21/05/2012 13:35

SS, do you think DD is more upset by the masturbation itself or by the fact that DH showed so much anger over it and lost husbtemper with you to the extent that she was defending you by shouting at him?

PooPooInMyToes · 21/05/2012 13:49

I tried explaining this to my husband for some wisdom but all i got was "that's one fucked up situation!"

I really think your husband needs to take some responsibility for this. He is wrong to say that this is completely your fault. Can he not see that?

Is he like this about everything?

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 13:57

He doesn't willingly acknowledge fault, and he does engender a bit of a blame culture. I am absolutely sure that DD was shouting at him in order to defend me, that's a very astute observation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 14:19

And she hasn't forgotten it and she is upset still, I reckon.

No shit

AnAirOfHope · 21/05/2012 14:19

SS your husband is emotionally and mentally fucking up your kids with his behaviour and without him changing there will not be a happen ending to this.

AnAirOfHope · 21/05/2012 14:21

Also you are enablining this behaviour and showing yo dd that this is how a man acts. Do not be suprised when she has fucked up relationships in her adult life.

Are you going to offer to take her to counciling/relate?

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 14:23

Would your husband allow you to get some help for your daughter, OP ?

cocolepew · 21/05/2012 14:35

if he wanted to wank in the middle of the day why did he not just lie on your bed and do it? It seems an awful lot of faffing about for a quick wank Hmm

CinnabarRed · 21/05/2012 14:40

The fact that your then-12 year old daughter felt she had to defend you is also a major concern.