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Original poster

Porn in the bathroom #2

221 replies

Stupiditysquared · 20/05/2012 12:25

You may not remember this, but over a year ago, I posted a thread about finding some pornographic pictures in the bathroom.

I haven't linked to the thread, because it went on for ages (until it was full) and got derailed by all sorts of mysterious twitter feed stuff.

Basically I found some porn pictures in the bathroom when I got home from work, and asked teenage DD if she knew anything about them I genuinely thought it was some teenage experimentation. Ultimately of course they turned out to be DH's pictures. This was a bit of a shock to me because AFAIK he didn't (a) use porn or (b) use that bathroom and (c) I didn't know that he'd been home.

It was an emotional weekend, tbh. DH was shouting at me for asking DD about it. I admit, before you flame me, that this was entirely stupid of me. DD shouted at him for being a pervert. It's all calm now, or so I thought.

Anyhow I was in the car yesterday with DD and we were giggling about something on the topic of bathrooms. DD then said she didn't like using the bath. There was something about the way she said it. So I asked her if she meant the bath generally or the particular bath in the bathroom she uses. She told me it was the particular bath in that bathroom. I asked her what was wrong with the bath. I pointed out that it was a perfectly nice bath. Quite new, fitted along the length of a wall, with candles and nice things, and a convenient shower attachment for doing hair ...

Anyhow it transpires that DD will never ever use that bath again because she cannot stand the thought of what her Dad was doing in that bath. She has in fact not used it for over a year. So now I am worried that she's got some kind of trauma. So erm, where now? I know that all teenagers are discomfited about the thought that their parents have a sex life. But this goes beyond discomfort, doesn't it?

OP posts:
MaybeADHD · 21/05/2012 18:28

So sorry, I hadn't read the thread properly I thought that you had just dicovered a bit of porn but with your daughter seeing it that is disturbing and she is not ready to think of her parents in this way and esp.not ready (if anyone can be) to see someone young being spit roasted.
I am sorry for my un-helpful comment, I'm not in the porn hating brigade but I can see the nuance now.
sits in corner with D hat on standing for dickhead

OurPlanetNeptune · 21/05/2012 18:31

Really, really bad parenting by your husband for indulging in a porn habit, and in a place that is intimate to your children and then blows up when tackled about it, leaving you to deal with the fall out. Bad parenting by you for burying your head in the sand. By not dealing with it in the proper manner a year ago you have indicated to your daughter that you approve of your husband's behaviour. Your cluelessness and inability as well as apparent unwillingness to deal with it and him is staggering.

You really don't get it do you? You seemed clueless in the first thread and the lightbulb still hasn't gone on in this thread. What has happened to you to make you such a walkover? This man, your husband sounds vile. While you cannot be responsible for his behaviour you are very responsible for your reaction to his behaviour. You have basically done nothing.

It is not surprising that your daughter felt the need to defend you. You are clearly incapable of standing up to your husband. You are sadly unable to stand up for yourself and her.

Your children are learning about relationships from you. Continue like this and you will have a daughter (and son?) with massive issues.

She is 12 year old, it is your job to show her what a strong woman is, and what healthy behaviour is and what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship.

The counselling is certainly a start but it should be your husband taking bull by the horns and dealing with the consequences of his behaviour. You seem to be doing all the work. Why oh why? It will all be for nothing if he does not take responsibility for his actions.

Dropdeadfred · 21/05/2012 18:47

The ops daughter is 14... I think

PooPooInMyToes · 21/05/2012 18:53

I think its a good move going for counselling op. I think you are completely right that the main problem is with your husbands behaviour and refusal to ever be wrong.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/05/2012 19:14

While you cannot be responsible for his behaviour you are very responsible for your reaction to his behaviour. You have basically done nothing.

Spot on.

Well done for booking counselling and I really do hope you will be honest with the counsellor about what happened re the porn.

I told my husband (an ex porn user) about your story - he was shocked that your H actually printed hardcore pics and left them in the DC's bathroom and wondered if he was so into porn that his boundaries got fucked up. He finds it hard to believe that he has stopped using porn.

Also can I say that challenging your H does not mean you have to shout at him....

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 19:18

I don't get the impression you "dance attendance" on your daughter

I think you save that behaviour trait for your husband

Dropdeadfred · 21/05/2012 19:27

I think it's outrageous that he says that about you trying to help her - something he seems unwilling to do

swallowedAfly · 21/05/2012 19:53

i have to say i wouldn't put up with an arse like this, or subject my children to one, for all the bathrooms in the world.

a house does not a home make.

Malificence · 21/05/2012 20:13

You seem totally in denial about the damage he has done to your family, this could have been done and dusted a year ago if he had been man enough to deal with an issue of his own making.
He seems totally spineless and uncaring, not to mention oblivious to the harm this has done to your daughter - his relationship with his daughter may well be irrepairably damaged by the way this has ( or rather hasn't ) been handled.
I honestly don't know how you have any respect left for this man, I wouldn't be able to even look at him - there are issues beyond the one with your DD, what about the fact that you had no idea that he was a porn user after being married to him for many years?

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 20:43

I dunno SAF. This name-change really was utterly futile, wasn't it? You've clearly twigged who I am. I'm not in the marriage for the bathrooms, honest :) It'd be a new variation on gold-digging, wouldn't it? "I only married him for the plumbing he could provide". Anyway, I can buy my own loo-seats.

The problem with the relationships topic is that posters only post the concerns or the flashpoints. You don't get the full twenty plus year history of the relationship. He has his bad points, as do I. The porn issue has been the lowest point, and you have all, in true MN style, held up a mirror and I didn't like what I saw. But I have tried to take steps.

DD can be wilful but she is a good egg. I don't like her leaping to my defence, it's all wrong. We've discussed the porn issue and are of one mind.

The most important porn conversation happened with DS actually. I think that the majority of porn users are likely to be men (I have no evidence for this belief, but it just seems to me to be likely, and I really don't want to go googling to find out) and it is important that he too understands the issue. I don't want him growing up thinking all men do this or that everyone finds this acceptable. He is completely clear why I don't find it acceptable and he assures me that he doesn't find it acceptable either.

DH swears blind that he feels the same way and is ashamed of his porn use. I'm inclined to believe him, but I'm reserving judgement there!!

OP posts:
Nyac · 21/05/2012 20:55

"DD can be wilful but she is a good egg."

She is not the problem here, you and your husband are. She's not wilful either, as someone said she's acting like a normal person with normal feelings and reactions. Her parents aren't.

"I don't like her leaping to my defence, it's all wrong."

She's doing it because you won't do it. You refuse to do it. Goodness knows why, but you are making a choice not to stand up to him. I remember the last thread she searched his internet history, because you weren't doing it you were burying your head in the sand, and you were actually going to run and tell tales on her to your husband. Did you do that?

If your dh is ashamed of his porn use and finds it unacceptable, why is he still doing it? I think you're getting the wool pulled over your eyes here, and for some reason you want him to do that. Pity your daughter is the one suffering the trauma from his bad behaviour and your denial.

AbigailAdams · 21/05/2012 21:03

OP how much more evidence do you need that this man does not care about you and does not care about your DD. He has no respect for women full stop. He is happy to watch and print out derogatory porn. He is happy to let your DD suffer and offer no explanation/apology. He is happy to let you and his children down at the last minute by not taking them to school (for absolutely no reason) and expect you to sort it out and a time when it is most inconvenient to you.

Reverse roles and suppose you upset your DD so much that she was screaming at you and was clearly traumatised. Would you basically ignore it and blame your DH/her/any other fucker who may be around? Or would you want to talk to her, make it up to her in any way you could and try and rebuild your relationship?

Why are you accepting such a lower standard of behaviour from your husband than you yourself would exhibit? (Or for that matter any normal.person would exhibit)

And bollocks to the 20 yrs history. I bet he has been displaying this sense of entitlement throughout that time. For some reason you have just been turning a blind eye to it.

AbigailAdams · 21/05/2012 21:13

And it seems to me that you are looking for anyway to solve this problem that doesn't involve your husband taking responsibility for his actions.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 21:34

Again, you have addressed the "flaws" in your daughter

it's not about her

the way is behaving is completely normal in the circumstances

it's the circumstances that are fucked-up

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 21:34

*she is behaving

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 21:37

and yes, your name change was a waste of time

there is a theme in your postings

when you figure out what that is, perhaps you won't keep making the same mistakes with your children

Nyac · 21/05/2012 21:40

I feel sorry for the dd that she is being focused on as if she is any kind of a problem, when it's her bully dad who needs to be challenged so he can change his behaviour.

It's very easy to scapegoat children whilst ignoring dysfunctional adult behaviour.

Chubfuddler · 21/05/2012 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn BY MNHQ

CinnabarRed · 21/05/2012 22:28

I've often thought about the airplane/school run poster and wondered what happened. Now I know Sad. Is this the same H who basically stole his wife's cycling hobby, together with all the weekend family time? Either way, he scares me.

Chubfuddler · 21/05/2012 22:34

I didn't request to withdraw that post. That's a fucking outrage.

MaybeADHD · 21/05/2012 22:37

it was probably withdrawn at A poster's request not necessarily you, chub, can u paraphrase?

Chubfuddler · 21/05/2012 22:40

If someone reported my post it should say so. That makes it look as if I withdrew my own post which is a bloody lie.

If the op doesn't want to be outed perhaps she shouldn't rehash old ground.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 22:50

chub, that description does usually mean that the OP asked for their own post to be deleted

I think it must be a mistake by MN...they hit the wrong delete button

MNHQ
OliviaLMumsnet · 21/05/2012 22:51

Please note I have amended chubfuddlers post of 21.52
Absolutely no outrage intended.
Thanks
MNHQ

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 22:52

there ya go