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Original poster

Porn in the bathroom #2

221 replies

Stupiditysquared · 20/05/2012 12:25

You may not remember this, but over a year ago, I posted a thread about finding some pornographic pictures in the bathroom.

I haven't linked to the thread, because it went on for ages (until it was full) and got derailed by all sorts of mysterious twitter feed stuff.

Basically I found some porn pictures in the bathroom when I got home from work, and asked teenage DD if she knew anything about them I genuinely thought it was some teenage experimentation. Ultimately of course they turned out to be DH's pictures. This was a bit of a shock to me because AFAIK he didn't (a) use porn or (b) use that bathroom and (c) I didn't know that he'd been home.

It was an emotional weekend, tbh. DH was shouting at me for asking DD about it. I admit, before you flame me, that this was entirely stupid of me. DD shouted at him for being a pervert. It's all calm now, or so I thought.

Anyhow I was in the car yesterday with DD and we were giggling about something on the topic of bathrooms. DD then said she didn't like using the bath. There was something about the way she said it. So I asked her if she meant the bath generally or the particular bath in the bathroom she uses. She told me it was the particular bath in that bathroom. I asked her what was wrong with the bath. I pointed out that it was a perfectly nice bath. Quite new, fitted along the length of a wall, with candles and nice things, and a convenient shower attachment for doing hair ...

Anyhow it transpires that DD will never ever use that bath again because she cannot stand the thought of what her Dad was doing in that bath. She has in fact not used it for over a year. So now I am worried that she's got some kind of trauma. So erm, where now? I know that all teenagers are discomfited about the thought that their parents have a sex life. But this goes beyond discomfort, doesn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 14:40

I don't know what the sceptical face is for. Are you suggesting that DH is having an affair or something? I can't imagine it, (before you say it, I know I never imagined the porn either). If you were having an affair then why would you use pictures though?

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 21/05/2012 14:53

ss what do you want from this thread?

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 14:59

Thanks AofH

I wanted to see whether people thought if DD could be suffering some sort of trauma over this, to which the consensus seems to be yes. Also I was hoping for some suggestions as to how to address the issue with her. I've got some really useful suggestions, although I am not sure how to put one or two of them into practice (not sure how to access out-of-family counselling for instance) but other stuff, like not invalidating her feelings and sitting her down and talking it through properly were useful.

I'm not going to buy a new bathroom though - but thanks for the idea anyway!

I don't really want this thread to be rehash of the old one, but I do appreciate the need to cover the background. Even if as you say, and as you have all in fact said, it is a bit odd.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 21/05/2012 15:14

with no pun intended he sounds like a complete wanker. what DOES he bring to the table as a parent and husband? what on earth does this man contribute to your lives and what impression of men and relationships do you think your dc get from him?

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 15:19

Are you going to continue to gloss over the fact that your husband did something "a bit odd" ?

That is the problem here...the whole problem

The fact that you seem unable to address it

It is clear the subject is taboo with your husband, you seem strangely detached from the issue within yourself and you expect to be able to assist your daughter ?

Really ?

PooPooInMyToes · 21/05/2012 15:33

He doesn't willingly acknowledge fault

Are you EVER able to get him to do that? Do you have to force him to or will it just not happen. I can imagine if that were my husband he would have been angry at me for a minute or so but would have very quickly admitted that he was too blame for a very large part of it.

Its been a year, if he won't accept blame now he's unlikely to i suppose. It must be exhausting for you to live with someone who does no wrong. I bet your kids are sick of seeing it and the way you get blamed for everything.

I would have a chat with your daughter and ask how she is actually feeling. Acknowledge that it must have grossed her out. Not because masturbating is gross but because most kids would feel like that about their dads doing it and that's normal. Do the whole masturbation is normal thing but her dad is very embarrassed about it as its a private thing etc. And talk to her about the porn. You can be quite honest about that. You don't have to be too loyal to your husband there. I would also acknowledge the way your dad won't admit fault and how daft that is.

Lemonylemon · 21/05/2012 15:36

Without wishing to offend here, but the OP's H is coming across a bit like a tomcat pissing to mark his boundaries.....

OP: I think you should be doing more than accept the temper tantrum from your H. Your primary concern should be for your DD, not your H. She is the victim here, not him. You are an adult and need to square up to him verbally and mentally to protect your DD.

Dropdeadfred · 21/05/2012 15:40

I think a major thing here is that your daughter feels like she has to feel protective of you - although your dh didn't have sex with another woman he did masturbate thinking of someone else - not you. Perhaps doing things you would not do. That fact is hard for you to take, but it's very hard for an immature girl to comprehend that this isn't being unfaithful or betraying you in some way.

DrunkenDaisy · 21/05/2012 15:41

Without wishing to offend, but it is fucking sick that her husband wanked in the daughter's bathroom. I've read this thread in amazement and gagging a bit at the thought of my DH or my Dad doing something like that.

Jesus, how can you sleep with that man ever again knowing what his kinks are.

Boak.

Nyac · 21/05/2012 15:53

I don't really get what you're expecting from these threads OP. What are you hoping we'll say?

What he did isn't OK. The way you reacted to him isn't OK: appeasing him instead of challenging him. Your daughter feeling traumatised is understandable. Her space was violated by him wanking to hardcore pornography in it and then leaving the porn lying around for his children to find.

You seem to want to continue a public display of denial about the kind of behaviour your husband exhibited, and gloss over it in the same way that you've clearly glossed over it within your family.

Why doesn't him wanking in your children's bathroom produce a strong reaction in you? Because it should. You should be furious, and you should be doubly furious that he attacked you instead of admitting that the problem lies with him. Your lack of reaction and your refusal to stand up to him are something you need to examine.

PooPooInMyToes · 21/05/2012 15:54

I was under the impression that it wasn't actually the daughters bathroom but the family one that the op and both kids use.

swallowedAfly · 21/05/2012 15:55

thank goodness she didn't see the pictures. can you imagine knowing your dad gets off on the idea of a young girl being 'spit roast' by two men? bad enough to know that your dad gets off on porn in your bathroom without having to see the kind of thing that turns him on and he thinks is appropriate to bring into children's space and leave there.

swallowedAfly · 21/05/2012 15:57

OP are you also the poster whose dh announced he wasn't taking the kids to school the night before you were due to fly out on a business trip and you didn't even question him over it?

swallowedAfly · 21/05/2012 15:58

this guy sounds like an absolute piece of work and you sound so incredibly passive to him. i genuinely would like to hear what he brings to yours or the kids life other than money (and if you're who i think you are you earn plenty of that yourself). what is his hold over you?

Prolesworth · 21/05/2012 16:05

He actually sounds quite scary (not being able to talk to him for fear of a 'nuclear' reaction?)

In the OP's defence, it sounds like she is living with a bully and she is afraid to confront him on this and probably anything else he does too.

I'm not trying to excuse her lack of action here but let's not start berating her when it's his behaviour that is the problem.

And yes, I agree with everyone else: wanking to porn in the bathroom used primarily by the children and leaving the porn in there for them to find is as creepy as hell. At best it's irresponsible and utterly selfish behaviour, and his reaction to being found out and ongoing refusal to accept responsibility points to his being a vile man.

MaybeADHD · 21/05/2012 16:12

why is he a pervert? Don't you masturbate?

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 16:25

Ignore the ignoramus

swallowedAfly · 21/05/2012 16:43

i do masturbate from time to time. funnily enough i've never felt the need to print out pictures of women being spit roasted so that i can take them with me to my child's space and have a wank there and then leave the hardcore porn for him to find though.

maybe i'm 'odd' that way.

AnAirOfHope · 21/05/2012 16:47

You do not seem to be taking any of this in or responding in a normal way. There is lots of advice here.

Look at relate.com and give them a call. Its around £45 per session and can last for upto 8 sessions.

Have a nice life xx

Fairenuff · 21/05/2012 17:04

If I told him to sort it out, there would be a nuclear explosion

Shock

And you're ok with this OP? That he can have a tantrum to avoid facing up to his responsibilities?

Who does he think is responsible for teaching his children about relationships, sex, porn, masturbation, wet dreams, stds, contraception, etc.

If he refuses to discuss any of this how will his children learn to have happy and safe sexual relationships?

DH is really not capable of talking rationally on this subject

Yes he is. He is just choosing not to because that would mean admitting responsibility.

The real problem here is your relationship with your dh and how you expect your dcs to tiptoe around him like you do. I think you should go to counselling on your own OP and explain what happened and how you reacted to your dh, and why. You might find that all your dd needs is for you to change.

Her reaction is the only 'normal' one as far as I can tell. She is the well adjusted one, it's you and dh who are causing the problems.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 17:10

Why do you bother posting here, Op ?

You never listen to any advice, and neatly ignore any of the really searching questions that might make you have to confront how fucked-up your relationship is

What keeps you there, and what keeps you here ?

AnyFucker · 21/05/2012 17:13

Fairenuff, it was pointed out on the last thread that the dd's reactinon to this was the only appropriate one, so you have it spot-on

That's why it's so shocking that the 2 most important adults in her life have conspired to quash it, to sweep it under the carpet and ignore her distress

CardgamesFTW · 21/05/2012 17:29

So, a father prints out and wanks to hardcore images of adult men doing abusive sexual things towards a young woman. Then he leaves them in a place where his 12-year old daughter can find them. Of course she is upset! I feel upset too - not because this adult man masturbates, but where, and to what.

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 21/05/2012 18:07

Actually AF, you're wrong if you don't think I am not listening. I am listening very hard. This has been hugely helpful to me, because sometimes it is possible for me to get lost and not see the woods for the trees. So thank you all for your input.

I took the afternoon off today and arranged to collect DD so that we could have an undisturbed chat. She is frankly irritated by what she sees as my passivity. She does see that arguing back only leads to escalation and that it is better to hold reasoned discussions rather than shouting at one another.

I am not comfortable with DH being unreasonable and shouty, as here and there have been other examples. It seems to me to be the wrong tactic to handle him by waiting until he is calmer, if my approach simply leads to DD getting all fired up in my defence. It upsets her which of course then upsets me. Everyone ends up overwrought. But shouting back doesn't work either. Which actually means that nothing works.

I have therefore booked some sessions at a counsellor because I can see that the issue of DH being unreasonable/shouty is the root cause of the issue. I discussed this with DH. He thinks the root cause is DD's behaviour and my dancing attendance on her. However the fact that we have such differing views of the cause of the issue does mean that we need to talk it through. I sold the counselling idea (DH is Yorkshire born and bred and views this counselling stuff as nonsense) as a forum for reconciling this difference and hopefully a way of helping us to resolve communication issues going forward. We'll see.

OP posts:
Nyac · 21/05/2012 18:21

Well tell the counsellor straight out he was wanking to porn in his children's bathroom, and that he left it there for you to find. Because that needs to be the basis for discussions.

We're also irritated, or rather worried, about your passivity. And you should be arguing back. Sometimes escalation is necessary, otherwise you are being completely dominated all the time. He's basically been getting away with outrageous behaviour because you refuse to stand up to him.