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Original poster

Married and Swinging

165 replies

Squigsmum · 27/04/2012 13:40

Hi there,

Im a (fairly) regular mumsnetter but have named changed for obvious reasons

My post is more of a way of getting some thoughts straight in my head and seeing what others think rather than actually asking for advice.

A bit of background . . .

I am a single working mum of 4 children and for the past 3 years I have been enjoying the swinging scene. I have met some really lovely people, some of whom are now friends and explored a side of life that I never dreamed possible.

18 months ago I met my partner on a swinging site and life is good Smile

I am extremely careful about keeping this side of my life very private and not even our close friends know. I am in no way embarrassed about it, I feel it is a lifestyle choice, we aren't harming anyone and we practice safe sex always, it's more that I wouldn't want my children to find out plus I have a high profile job.

Both my partner and I feel very strongly about only meeting or 'playing' with people who are either single or who's partners are aware and agree with what they are doing.
There are many married men (and some woman) on the sites we use who are there without their partners knowledge, I don't have a huge problem with this but it saddens me and would rather not be a part of it.

In the past few months we have been AMAZED at how many married men are playing away using this site. They are on cam in the day in their offices Shock
at home in their marital beds when their wives think they are at work or off sick and parked up in their cars in their dinner hour on cam on their laptops.

I have been messaged by five men who admitted they were playing away this week alone, the first who is a regular user of a swingers club told me he can use the club whenever he likes as his wife bought him gym membership so she thinks he is there! Another guy who's partner thinks he visits his local pub with a pal who is also out cheating and one who works late two days each week so that he can have time for his double life (this guy owns his own business and actually states on the business website that he has late night opening twice a week to back up his deceit)

Am I being naive in thinking that their wives and partners have absolutely no idea what these guys are up to?
Do they know but can't face confronting them?

I've posted this after helping my neighbour with some DIY this morning and listened to her telling me about her new home her and her partner had just moved into. She explained how happy they were and how he doted on her and her children. she discribed him as her 'lifesaver' after a recent health scare etc etc. I could barely look her in the eye for fear of bursting into tears at the fact that I know him as a regular on the scene who brags openly about how easy it is to deceive her Sad

What do you all think?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 27/04/2012 16:29

Why don't you just put something on your online profile saying that you won't be involved with married people?

Mother2many · 27/04/2012 16:30

Sorry PJ Harpy.... lolol... oh my sheltered life... lol....

izzy... oh, my life has changed alot... and talking, supporting squigs.. was just my thoughts... guess I should of pm'd her privately so I wouldn't upset anyone... lolololol

Lueji · 27/04/2012 16:30

You mean you have debating society style meetups to discuss the big bang theory before voting to throw keys in hat and get down to having a big bang?

That, I might join. :)

Although the origin and evolution of sex might be a bigger hit. Wink
Actually, I am quite interested in the sex life of some living beings, who are way more imaginative than humans possibly can.
Seriously. Not joking at all.

Just as long as it wasn't a creationist swingers group.

nizlopi · 27/04/2012 16:31

Got to love the sexual shaming going on in this thread.

Oh my god, some people enjoy sex. Some people enjoy sex with multiple partners! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!

Original poster
Squigsmum · 27/04/2012 16:34

Love your post mumtomany Grin

You have to live the lifestyle to understand. Funnily enough many people I have met are interested in fine food, good wine and conversation (and not just about sex)

I have had non sexual nights out with people from all walks of life. Many of them I would never have met otherwise as they don't move in the same circles as me and my partner. I have been enlightened and educated.

As mumtomany has pointed out, as a swingers group we do do other things apart from shag.

Incidentally there was no 'point' in my OP and on reflection lueji is right, I didn't need to give you the background information. I certainly wasn't boasting or wanting to shock.

OP posts:
Mother2many · 27/04/2012 16:34

I've posted this after helping my neighbour with some DIY this morning and listened to her telling me about her new home her and her partner had just moved into. She explained how happy they were and how he doted on her and her children. she discribed him as her 'lifesaver' after a recent health scare etc etc. I could barely look her in the eye for fear of bursting into tears at the fact that I know him as a regular on the scene who brags openly about how easy it is to deceive her

What do you all think?

Like I said, if your comfortable in tell her... and you feel she has a right to know... then do so... in the future if she finds out you knew all along she could feel even worse... However, potentially breaking up her marriage could possibly happen, and her health could get worse??? She might not believe you as well....

You have alot to think about squig... Confused

izzyizin · 27/04/2012 16:35

So you took a leaf out of Madame Cyn's book and opted for luncheon vouchers too, M2m?

Ice9116 · 27/04/2012 16:36

I have/had plenty of friends who are polyamorous married or otherwise - they do sleep with other people casually or in relationships the difference between that and cheating is the openness of the relationship and the mutually agreed boundaries. It is therefore possible to cheat by sleeping with someone 'off limits' or in a banned place e.g. their shared home or not being honest about it.

An individual who uses the swinging scene or polyamorous scene (usually distinguished by whether you set up a relationship before or after) behind the back of their partner is a cheat.

If your neighbour is also your friend find a way to tell her but with regards to your OP - yes many women may be being deceived but it all comes down to whether or not they trust their partners - mine may be many things but I know he's not sleeping around we had a good relationship once and discussed it.

Mother2many · 27/04/2012 16:38

squigs... It's also nice to know, you can tease, joke, and not be afraid you made someone jealous! You don't get accused of wanting, so and so, or your flirting with so and so, or how dare you wear something sooo reveiling! ... rolls eyes... I feel very comfortable, and yes, going for supper, movie, bar, social, or whatever else, doesn't always end up "shagging" lol... Nice to be able to feel free to flirt without being attacked by your partner or theirs!

PJHarpy · 27/04/2012 16:38

Love that anyone who disagrees with swinging or thinks it is MINGING is suddenly a prude...

Yes, because the rest of us are all lyig bak and thinking of England with our one true love Hmm, while all your swingers are having amazing sex with stunning men

izzyizin · 27/04/2012 16:39

I have been enlightened and educated Numerous adults get their enlightenment and education from church, evening classes, and purely social intercourse but, heigh ho, each to their own.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/04/2012 16:41

The problem with your neighbours is not that he swings but that his partner thinks she's in a monogomous relationship and he boasts about how easy it is to deceive her.

He is clearly a loser wank-stain of the highest order but none of that has anything to do with swinging - the guy would no doubt be a tosser without the swinging.

Mother2many · 27/04/2012 16:41

izzy: You lost me... You don't think the most innocent people can lead a double life? I beg to differ.... No everyone experiences life with blinders on. I've had to pick my jaw up a few times in some events... Or maybe you just don't believe me...that's okay too...

Mother2many · 27/04/2012 16:44

I agree with above, that this neighbour is CHEATING on her, no question there..... To some, just walking over and telling his wife... he is cheating is easy to do... However, when you want to keep your bedroom life secret..... just walking over and explaing HOW you know...is a lot more difficult!!

Original poster
Squigsmum · 27/04/2012 16:44

Thread moving too quick to read it all properly, I will do later but in the meantime:

I hadn't and still don't have any plans to tell my neighbour. I wouldn't even if it was a close friend.

I wasn't being smug when I said I was glad I wasn't looking for a traditional relationship, I was just scared at how I would feel if I wanted an exclusive relationship and couldn't be sure it was iyswim

OP posts:
izzyizin · 27/04/2012 17:01

I don't think the most innocent people can lead a double life, M2m. I know that many seemingly innocent folk can and do lead double lives.

As for blinders, I wasn't born with them or raised to wear them and the sexual activities and/or preferences of others have long ceased to cause my jaw to drop.

Now that you've been exposed to the -more realistic darker side of human nature polite society, squigs, I very much doubt that, were you to look for a 'traditional' relationship, you would find yourself able to place all of your trust in a man, or have blind faith that he wouldn't cheat on you and, to my mind, that is no bad thing.

Puffinsaresmall · 27/04/2012 17:31

Can we stop using the twee 'play'? Its making me feel a bit queasy.

nizlopi · 27/04/2012 17:33

Everyone, Puffins feels uncomfortable so change your language RIGHT NOW. Omg.

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2012 17:34

I actually think you have a duty to tell your friend. Her partner isn't just having an affair, he's shagging everything in sight. I know I'm going to get the old lecture about all swingers being as clean as whistles, but you know what? I don't actually believe that.

And whoever it was said that their children knew they were swinging and so forth, I think that is probably the tackiest and sleaziest thing I've heard on MN. It reminds me of people like Karen Matthews.

Puffinsaresmall · 27/04/2012 17:36

Not 'uncomfortable' Nizlopi, sick Grin And yes, if you could all desist with the 'playing' that would be great, thank you for being so understanding.

nizlopi · 27/04/2012 17:39

Swinging/Karen Matthews.

The circle is complete.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 17:46

I think someone who fucks other women's dh is unable to moralize or opine on these women's motives

its disgusting you get it on with someone else partner and then think these women who are cheated upon are naive or silly for not seeing the signs

izzyizin · 27/04/2012 18:33

¿Nos prefieren hablar en español, francés o alemán, Puffin?

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2012 18:38

Nizlopi, the link with Karen Matthews was because of KM's distinct lack of boundaries within her family.

Who the hell wants to know that their mother is a swinger?

nizlopi · 27/04/2012 18:39

You, apparently.

I personally would be surprised if my 65 year old mother told me she was into swinging, but I would think fair enough. She is human after all, and I'm sure she gets horny just like the rest of us.

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