Married and Swinging

[Squigsmum]

Hi there,

Im a (fairly) regular mumsnetter but have named changed for obvious reasons

My post is more of a way of getting some thoughts straight in my head and seeing what others think rather than actually asking for advice.

A bit of background . . .

I am a single working mum of 4 children and for the past 3 years I have been enjoying the swinging scene. I have met some really lovely people, some of whom are now friends and explored a side of life that I never dreamed possible.

18 months ago I met my partner on a swinging site and life is good

I am extremely careful about keeping this side of my life very private and not even our close friends know. I am in no way embarrassed about it, I feel it is a lifestyle choice, we aren't harming anyone and we practice safe sex always, it's more that I wouldn't want my children to find out plus I have a high profile job.

Both my partner and I feel very strongly about only meeting or 'playing' with people who are either single or who's partners are aware and agree with what they are doing.
There are many married men (and some woman) on the sites we use who are there without their partners knowledge, I don't have a huge problem with this but it saddens me and would rather not be a part of it.

In the past few months we have been AMAZED at how many married men are playing away using this site. They are on cam in the day in their offices
at home in their marital beds when their wives think they are at work or off sick and parked up in their cars in their dinner hour on cam on their laptops.

I have been messaged by five men who admitted they were playing away this week alone, the first who is a regular user of a swingers club told me he can use the club whenever he likes as his wife bought him gym membership so she thinks he is there! Another guy who's partner thinks he visits his local pub with a pal who is also out cheating and one who works late two days each week so that he can have time for his double life (this guy owns his own business and actually states on the business website that he has late night opening twice a week to back up his deceit)

Am I being naive in thinking that their wives and partners have absolutely no idea what these guys are up to?
Do they know but can't face confronting them?

I've posted this after helping my neighbour with some DIY this morning and listened to her telling me about her new home her and her partner had just moved into. She explained how happy they were and how he doted on her and her children. she discribed him as her 'lifesaver' after a recent health scare etc etc. I could barely look her in the eye for fear of bursting into tears at the fact that I know him as a regular on the scene who brags openly about how easy it is to deceive her

What do you all think?

[1DAD2KIDS]

user1477416713 swingers clubs are great places and lots of fun. They are of course many different things to different people. People go there to enjoy many different things. Some to swap, some to add additional, to enjoy an orgy, some to watch, some to be watched, some to play out fantasies with like minded people, some to try new things, some to take part in adult themed fun and games, some to chill in the spar, some just to socialise and chat with friends or a mixture of these things. I love the equality and acceptance in a club. People can truly be free to be who they are in a club. You leave the outside world and its problems at the door when you walk in. The judge and the street cleaner are on an equal footing when naked and in the hot tub. Its a great supportive, friendly and fun atmosphere. I think the world would be a far better and accepting place if it was more like a swingers club.

I don't judge and I don't get involved with people who are cheating. I chose not to play with them because I don't want to feel the guilt of being complicit in something that could be so hurtful. But never a problem with people who have their partners permission.

Like you said people who don't know anything are so judge. I know its not for everyone. But what's wrong with other people enjoying it?

[user1477416713]

Oh for gods sake why are people so pathetically judgy about swinging when they know fuck all about it.

I've been to swinging clubs loads of times and the reason you know that the wives are happy with it is because they are there too having a bloody great time!

Swinging beats the hell out of cheating that's for sure.

[Happybunny19]

Interesting but judgemental to the extreme in places. The op had a lot of unnecessary bitchy comments Imo. I respect the right for people to participate in an open relationship when conducted honestly between consenting adults, shame others can't keep their minds open to accepting others rights to alternative lifestyles.

[noego]

I know of a web site that has over 1 million members and is designed for married people of both sexes to meet up and play around.

[1DAD2KIDS]

On the flip side I have come across lots of women who are and/or in the past cheated on their partners/husband's in the scene. Especially on a certain popular swinging site. I think it is far more comon in women than is ever given credit to. The number all though I have no doubt more male are a lot closer than people realise.

I have on a few occasions been talking to cheating wife/partners. Although I don't judge as everyone is different and I dont know all the ins and outs I do avoid. My ex wife cheated on me, left me a single parent and caused so much pain to me and my children. So for me it is a red line. Selfish people can hurt so many others around them. Why would I want to be complicit in that?

P.s. I know it's an old thread but I found it intresting.

[Pinkie29]

Time to start showing up unexpectedly at work hahaha! From experience men are stupid and will always slip up, I had a partner cheat on me once, I found out years later it was 2 weeks before we split and remember him pleading with me not to end it, coward!

[CheerfulYank]

I suppose he could be Pinkie, but I often chat with him throughout the day on his computer (which I suppose he could theoretically be doing at his mistress's) or on his work phone, which he couldn't. :)

[Pinkie29]

Hahaha my favourite characters!! I know a few swingers and in all honesty they're some of the best looking couples I know, everyone thinks its dirty old perves but from what they've said it's the opposite and only swing with ppl they get on with and fancy, they're more voyeurs from what they've said tho

[sailorsgal]

sorry but it just conjurs up images of Donald and Jacqueline in the series Benidorm

[Pinkie29]

Takes two to tango as I always say but your right we should be aware that a cheating man has no morals and is therefore easily led astray through no fault of his own sort of thing you see that Denise on this morning say hahaha!

[Lueji]

Pinkie, don't you know that (such) men can't help themselves?

[Pinkie29]

worldgonecrazy sorry just seen the comment further down about cameras! Makes perfect sense now

cherrfulyank a friend of mine was seeing a married fella a while back he used to book sneaky half days without telling his wife so he could get his leg over in the afternoon, if they're up to no good they'll find a way not suggesting your fella is btw just saying! (i say this for men and women that is not blaming all the men for this)

Sad thing is its usually always the other woman that gets the blame, he was led astray she seduced him she took advantage blah blah rather than accept their bd/husband could possibly just be a cheat

[CheerfulYank]

It just wouldn't work for me personally. It seems like it would get messy and complicated. But horses for courses and that. :)

How do I know DH isn't cheating? Well...he never bloody goes anywhere! I'm always telling him to get out more, but he's either at work or at home. I suppose he could be shagging the secretary at work...though little grannies aren't usually his type.

[worldgonecrazy]

Pinkie29 swinging is legal, but videoing someone without their knowledge or consent, and then releasing that film to others is illegal. It would take only one person to report it to the police for the club to lose its licence.

It would also lose its customers and therefore be put out of business anyway, regardless of whether the police acted to remove the licence.

It just wouldn't make financial sense to do it, but as I said, a few well-placed comments by a sneaky rival would remain legal and help put competitors out of business.

[Pinkie29]

worldgonectazy why would the club be shut down?? Swingers clubs are legal

[worldgonecrazy]

squigsmum I still call bullshit to it being widespread, maybe a one-off. As you say, the club would be shut down, the club owners would risk violence and/or police involvement and, given the widespread use of social media, it wouldn't take long for the word to get out that a particular club was doing it. The money made from any 'porno films' would not compensate for the financial loss to the owners.

However, I do think that any savvy club owner could invent a few internet personas and put the suggestion out there to keep rivals in check.

[BrazenHussy]

So true Pinkie, that way everyone know where they stand.

I've read that when women have sex they releases bonding hormones that eventually lead to them falling in love with the person.
I'm like the guy you dated, for me sex is sex and love (not that I am aware I have ever been in love) is something separate.

[Pinkie29]

I once dated a guy briefly who only had open relationships, hence why we didn't have any sort in the end. Looking back his theory made sense. Basically he was of the opinion sex is sex love is love, if he was on a night out and some hot girl wanted to get with him for the night why shouldn't he?

Of course I was mortified and said 'but that's cheating how could you do that to your (ex) gf?!' he simply said they had honesty and trust he'd always tell her before he dtd and was always careful which to me (now) makes far more sense than the men and women who have random encounters on a Saturday night then have to hide it from their partner and possibly caught an std and passed it to an unsuspecting innocent partner.

[Squigsmum]

Not asking anything, I was upset yesterday when I posted, I just wanted to offload I suppose.

I wont tell my friend, not because of the risk of being outed, just because I couldn't cope with seeing the car crash it would cause.

With regard to my partner, he is free to do as he pleases as am I.

You have hit the nail on the head with your last statement - noone is using anyone, we are all getting equal enjoyment and satisfaction. [smile ]

[Pinkie29]

squidsmum interesting post. I'm not sure what your asking tbh, with respect to your neighbours husband do you feel you should tell her? how do you know your partner isn't deceiving you also? Surely that would be even easier being as your already in the 'scene' You just never know someone 100%

I'm very much a live and let live type if that's what pleases you fair enough so long as your always careful I don't see a problem with it. At least it's between consenting adults as opposed to men taking advantage of drunk women

[Lueji]

It depends on your partner, then.
It's not so much the need for a type of relationship but a person we are compatible with. :)

[Squigsmum]

Yes Lueji I suppose I do but not to the extent I would have to if we lived together. He understands my need to be free and to take off on my own occasionally.

[AutumnSummers]

nevermind, i realised you were talking to OP.

[AutumnSummers]

Lueji* were you addressing that to me or OP?

[Lueji]

So, you still have to consider your partner...