Married and Swinging

[Squigsmum]

Hi there,

Im a (fairly) regular mumsnetter but have named changed for obvious reasons

My post is more of a way of getting some thoughts straight in my head and seeing what others think rather than actually asking for advice.

A bit of background . . .

I am a single working mum of 4 children and for the past 3 years I have been enjoying the swinging scene. I have met some really lovely people, some of whom are now friends and explored a side of life that I never dreamed possible.

18 months ago I met my partner on a swinging site and life is good

I am extremely careful about keeping this side of my life very private and not even our close friends know. I am in no way embarrassed about it, I feel it is a lifestyle choice, we aren't harming anyone and we practice safe sex always, it's more that I wouldn't want my children to find out plus I have a high profile job.

Both my partner and I feel very strongly about only meeting or 'playing' with people who are either single or who's partners are aware and agree with what they are doing.
There are many married men (and some woman) on the sites we use who are there without their partners knowledge, I don't have a huge problem with this but it saddens me and would rather not be a part of it.

In the past few months we have been AMAZED at how many married men are playing away using this site. They are on cam in the day in their offices
at home in their marital beds when their wives think they are at work or off sick and parked up in their cars in their dinner hour on cam on their laptops.

I have been messaged by five men who admitted they were playing away this week alone, the first who is a regular user of a swingers club told me he can use the club whenever he likes as his wife bought him gym membership so she thinks he is there! Another guy who's partner thinks he visits his local pub with a pal who is also out cheating and one who works late two days each week so that he can have time for his double life (this guy owns his own business and actually states on the business website that he has late night opening twice a week to back up his deceit)

Am I being naive in thinking that their wives and partners have absolutely no idea what these guys are up to?
Do they know but can't face confronting them?

I've posted this after helping my neighbour with some DIY this morning and listened to her telling me about her new home her and her partner had just moved into. She explained how happy they were and how he doted on her and her children. she discribed him as her 'lifesaver' after a recent health scare etc etc. I could barely look her in the eye for fear of bursting into tears at the fact that I know him as a regular on the scene who brags openly about how easy it is to deceive her

What do you all think?

[gafhyb]

izzy - i was being sarcastic

[izzyizin]

I know you were, honey - I was attempting to extend the send up...

[gafhyb]

. We really need a sarcasm emoticon, don't we?

[izzyizin]

We sure do... come on, Towers, let's have it

[Squigsmum]

worldgonecrazy The posters who mentioned the hidden cameras wasn't bullshitting. I know for a fact this happens from reading threads from distraught men and women on the forums of one of the swingers websites.

I doubt its as widespread as he claims though, the clubs would be shut down.

Hillywallerby Not all swingers or swinging couples have sex with lots of people. As a fellow swinger mentioned yesterday, she has only swung twice in the last year but is still an active member of the scene.
We (and I when I swing alone) have full sex with very few people. Swinging has many facets, sexual intercourse is only one of them. webcams and voyeurism play a big part too.
I won't go into any more detail on this thread as I am sure you can all work the rest out for yourselves

gafhyb How would i feel if my Dp fell in love with someone else? Well I imagine I would feel the same way as anyone else would feel. He loves me very much and is a very tactile, sensitive and loving man. I don't doubt for a minute he could fall for someone else, like any other man in any other type of relationship. What we have makes me happy in the here and now won't be what makes me happy for the rest of my life. I have never wanted a full time partner - this is the main reason my marriage to my lovely kind and generous hubby didn't work out, I found it suffocating

izzyizin I wish it hadn't been posted at all!!!!

[Lueji]

I have never wanted a full time partner - this is the main reason my marriage to my lovely kind and generous hubby didn't work out, I found it suffocating

So, it's not really a problem of trusting your partner to be faithful, but of actually commiting to yours that puts you off a monogamous relationship. :)

[Squigsmum]

yes Lueji, that and the fact that I work very hard and give a great deal of myself to my children, so when I get free time I like to do what I want to do - spa days, eating out with friends, short breaks away or just sleeping without having anyone else to consider.

[Lueji]

Not even the children?

[izzyizin]

Shouldn't that be just sleeping with anyone else

If you'd posted this in AIBU, honey, it'd be full and filed away in the Classics hall of fame by now

[OhBuggerandArse]

The thing I object to most about this thread, actually, is the use of the term 'play'. Naff, disingenuous and sticky sounding, all in one.

[QuickLookBusy]

The thing that makes me snort out loud is the OPs second post I'm so glad i am not looking for a traditional relationship, it must be a minefield

And swinging isn't???

[boringnickname]

Doesnt sound like swinging to me, it sounds like these idiots are using you to get their oats becasue they are too inadequate to get them elsewhere - surely swinging should be strictly for couples, isn't that the POINT? I wouldn't say no to swinging if my DP were up for it (he isn't) so im not judging, but i woudlnt let any one like you describe NEAR me - sorry but i think they are users :(

[Lueji]

I have another prob naive question:

What classes as partner in the swinging scene?

Does that mean you cohabit?

If you don't, how is that different from other men in your life?
If these other men aren't only there for sex?

[Squigsmum]

Lueji - I was meaning I don't want anyone else to consider on days when my ex H has my children.

Boringnickname - or Im using them? Depending on how you look at it.

Sorry Lueji - I can't answer your last question. However my partner is the regular man in my life. Someone I love to spend time with, who shares and enjoys my hobbies. The person who makes my childrens' day when he picks them up from school.
We don't live together by choice but we do spend evenings and most weekends together.

[AutumnSummers]

Hubby and I discussed swinging and, while we didn't do, when we were thinking about and going through rules, then it would be with another couple only. Equal playing field then. I wouldn't want a married or taken man or woman there wothout their partner. How would we know that the person was truthful about their partner knowing all about it? I wouldn't do it to help a person cheat.

[Lueji]

So, you still have to consider your partner...

[AutumnSummers]

Lueji* were you addressing that to me or OP?

[AutumnSummers]

nevermind, i realised you were talking to OP.

[Squigsmum]

Yes Lueji I suppose I do but not to the extent I would have to if we lived together. He understands my need to be free and to take off on my own occasionally.

[Lueji]

It depends on your partner, then.
It's not so much the need for a type of relationship but a person we are compatible with. :)

[Pinkie29]

squidsmum interesting post. I'm not sure what your asking tbh, with respect to your neighbours husband do you feel you should tell her? how do you know your partner isn't deceiving you also? Surely that would be even easier being as your already in the 'scene' You just never know someone 100%

I'm very much a live and let live type if that's what pleases you fair enough so long as your always careful I don't see a problem with it. At least it's between consenting adults as opposed to men taking advantage of drunk women

[Squigsmum]

Not asking anything, I was upset yesterday when I posted, I just wanted to offload I suppose.

I wont tell my friend, not because of the risk of being outed, just because I couldn't cope with seeing the car crash it would cause.

With regard to my partner, he is free to do as he pleases as am I.

You have hit the nail on the head with your last statement - noone is using anyone, we are all getting equal enjoyment and satisfaction. [smile ]

[Pinkie29]

I once dated a guy briefly who only had open relationships, hence why we didn't have any sort in the end. Looking back his theory made sense. Basically he was of the opinion sex is sex love is love, if he was on a night out and some hot girl wanted to get with him for the night why shouldn't he?

Of course I was mortified and said 'but that's cheating how could you do that to your (ex) gf?!' he simply said they had honesty and trust he'd always tell her before he dtd and was always careful which to me (now) makes far more sense than the men and women who have random encounters on a Saturday night then have to hide it from their partner and possibly caught an std and passed it to an unsuspecting innocent partner.

[BrazenHussy]

So true Pinkie, that way everyone know where they stand.

I've read that when women have sex they releases bonding hormones that eventually lead to them falling in love with the person.
I'm like the guy you dated, for me sex is sex and love (not that I am aware I have ever been in love) is something separate.

[worldgonecrazy]

squigsmum I still call bullshit to it being widespread, maybe a one-off. As you say, the club would be shut down, the club owners would risk violence and/or police involvement and, given the widespread use of social media, it wouldn't take long for the word to get out that a particular club was doing it. The money made from any 'porno films' would not compensate for the financial loss to the owners.

However, I do think that any savvy club owner could invent a few internet personas and put the suggestion out there to keep rivals in check.