Married and Swinging

[Squigsmum]

Hi there,

Im a (fairly) regular mumsnetter but have named changed for obvious reasons

My post is more of a way of getting some thoughts straight in my head and seeing what others think rather than actually asking for advice.

A bit of background . . .

I am a single working mum of 4 children and for the past 3 years I have been enjoying the swinging scene. I have met some really lovely people, some of whom are now friends and explored a side of life that I never dreamed possible.

18 months ago I met my partner on a swinging site and life is good

I am extremely careful about keeping this side of my life very private and not even our close friends know. I am in no way embarrassed about it, I feel it is a lifestyle choice, we aren't harming anyone and we practice safe sex always, it's more that I wouldn't want my children to find out plus I have a high profile job.

Both my partner and I feel very strongly about only meeting or 'playing' with people who are either single or who's partners are aware and agree with what they are doing.
There are many married men (and some woman) on the sites we use who are there without their partners knowledge, I don't have a huge problem with this but it saddens me and would rather not be a part of it.

In the past few months we have been AMAZED at how many married men are playing away using this site. They are on cam in the day in their offices
at home in their marital beds when their wives think they are at work or off sick and parked up in their cars in their dinner hour on cam on their laptops.

I have been messaged by five men who admitted they were playing away this week alone, the first who is a regular user of a swingers club told me he can use the club whenever he likes as his wife bought him gym membership so she thinks he is there! Another guy who's partner thinks he visits his local pub with a pal who is also out cheating and one who works late two days each week so that he can have time for his double life (this guy owns his own business and actually states on the business website that he has late night opening twice a week to back up his deceit)

Am I being naive in thinking that their wives and partners have absolutely no idea what these guys are up to?
Do they know but can't face confronting them?

I've posted this after helping my neighbour with some DIY this morning and listened to her telling me about her new home her and her partner had just moved into. She explained how happy they were and how he doted on her and her children. she discribed him as her 'lifesaver' after a recent health scare etc etc. I could barely look her in the eye for fear of bursting into tears at the fact that I know him as a regular on the scene who brags openly about how easy it is to deceive her

What do you all think?

[Squigsmum]

nizlopi

[ImperialBlether]

What do you mean, "you, apparently"? I was responding to Mother2Many's statement, "My older children know."

[Mumsyblouse]

Parents having any type of sex is yukky. But surely, once you are an adult, you realise your parents are normal people, so they may engage in things you wouldn't do yourself, or do do yourself. I hate all this 'you'll ruin your children's lives' stuff around sex. Yes, you will if you have brought your children up to believe that any departure from monogamy is some type of mortal sin. But, if you have brought them up to realise you are actually a person too, with all those faults, flaws and human desires, it may be ikky but it is usual. I think this a lot on the adultery threads, yes, having an adulterous parent isn't always wonderful, but the idea it must ruin your life and any future relationship with that parent, well, I disagree, I can cope with the knowledge my parents both have sex and are unfaithful. If they turned out to have been swingers, I'd be pleased they didn't draw my attention to it for the last forty years but I wouldn't be disgusted beyond belief.

[janelikesjam]

I suppose its a serious post/thread .

But I am just finding the humour in the comments very amusing really .

[ImperialBlether]

That's all I meant - I'd rather they didn't draw my attention to it! I'd hate to think my parents didn't have a happy sex life, actually, but I don't want to know they're off shagging the neighbours.

[ImperialBlether]

Especially not if they're wearing a gimp mask at the same time

[Mumsyblouse]

LOL ImperialBlether when the OP said she changed her appearance and couldn't be recognized by her neighbour, my mind did go there.

[izzyizin]

I reckon the OP should post before and after pix so we can check how easily unrecognisable she is

[izzyizin]

Thanks to the considerate stork that left me by the gooseberry bush, I don't have to sully my brain with images of my parents getting it on living together in the biblical sense.

[ImperialBlether]

Could be they have separate beds so they can each bring someone else back home, eh?

[Lueji]

I was just scared at how I would feel if I wanted an exclusive relationship and couldn't be sure it was iyswim

A relationship is about trust.
We trust our partners to be faithful, or at least truthful, in the same way that we trust them not to run away with all our money/spend it all or murder us in our sleep.
Obviously sometimes the trust is misplaced. :(
But trust in terms of sex is no different than in relation to other things.

Just because you have an open relationship doesn't mean that your partner won't cheat.
He could well lie about having protected sex, for example.

[quoteunquote]

I run construction company, we have over the last twenty or so years come across quite a few properties that have been adapted for swinging it's surprisingly big business,

In all of them they have had had fittings for covert filming, very cleverly done in most cases think pin hole, adapted lighting and mirrors.

In discussions with various trades over the years it is clear that this is part of the standard set up,

when chatting with friends who are open about their swinging, none of the women and most of the men are unaware about the situation,

we have quite a few venues in the area that are entirely set up for swinging, lots of them have websites, all have covert filming in them, I know as I regularly employ sub contractors that have previously employed by the people that run these places,

your hosts are profiteering from you participating in your chosen activity.

[izzyizin]

I expect the OP is wishing she had worn a burka gimp mask now....

[Squigsmum]

quoteunquote I was aware of that yes but I wasn't aware that people using the clubs weren't aware as the recorded footage is readily available to purchase.

Bit scary really to think that people thought they were completely anonomous.

[izzyizin]

ahem... re your high profile job, squigs... would that be high profile as in the media or politics?

It seems to me your profile may get higher in the not too distant future.

[Squigsmum]

Lueji Good point about trust there.

You are right when you say it is possible that even in an open relationship men will cheat. As someone said earlier for some men its the excitement of the deceit.

A couple would have to have a huge amount of trust not to worry about whether their partner was always using protection if he was swinging without them.

[Squigsmum]

No izzyizin, nothing like that.

[Mother2many]

ps. as for my older children....and family... What I mean is they are aware we have an OPEN relationship... they accept that. Our life right?! They also know, not everyone I am friends with I am sexual with...they are smart enough to know that... Nor do they REALLY CARE! where as...some people...

[izzyizin]

Et tu, Brute IB

Oddly enough, I find it less disturbing to think of the dps having it off with others than with each other - although not in the same room at the same time in their separate beds, iyswim.

[gafhyb]

The "how do you know it's not your husbands" question. Well there's plenty of threads like that already. The answer is you don't... You don't know that your DP isn't up to anything behind your back do you? Being a swinger doesn't make you immune to/from infidelity. Sometimes it's not about the sex, it's about the thrill of the deceit and the not getting caught. So by asking that along with your "I'm so glad I'm not looking for a 'traditional' relationship" (or whatever it was) comment you come across as rather smug which had got people's backs up.

Agree with this TooEasilyTempted

OP - how are you going to feel if your DP falls in love with someone else? I assume he's not immune to that and will be very open about it in a neat and tidy compartmentalised way?

[izzyizin]

O come on gafhyb. ROFL. What dick led man do you know who's very open about his emotions in a compartmentalised way?

I did know one who announced his intentions to screw around his partner by taking himself off for the big V without any prior notice or discussion and when taxed by said partner, told her that he didn't want her to put her health at risk by using contraceptives

Sadly, this is a true story and fortunately for him I wasn't his partner.

[HillyWallaby]

I am a bit confused about what it is you are asking really. As swingers you and your DP have to accept that if you are going to have lots of sex with lots of people you barely know then many of them will be less than honest about their lives, and many (if not most) will turn out to be married, and lying to their partners, and perhaps lying to you. You should not feel bad about that - that is their problem not yours. But you are being pretty naive if you expect that everyone involved in the scene is going to be coming at it with the same moral viewpoint as you. Plenty of people decieve their partners and break their marriage vows all the time - whether it's through swinging, using prostitutes, or just having an affair is beside the point really.

[HillyWallaby]

deceive

[mathanxiety]

Wondering why you think cheating can't be a lifestyle choice too, OP..

[worldgonecrazy]

we have quite a few venues in the area that are entirely set up for swinging, lots of them have websites, all have covert filming in them, I know as I regularly employ sub contractors that have previously employed by the people that run these places,

I call bullshit - don't you think that if most places had filming, at large percentage would have spotted themselves or films from other venues whilst watching porn aimed at swingers?

Well done for trying to put the wind up for those mumsnetters who have had a dalliance in such places, but a big Grade D for not crediting us with enough intelligence to spot the flaw in your argument.

Incidentally, my husband has had to do installations in a couple of these places too. He said there is no way he would ever get in one of the jacuzzis or swimming pools!