Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

BTW my nightmares were all to do with feeling safe.

Dotty, you absolutely are not a freak xx
Thankyou Cailin, I don't want to put down here what actually happened, what frightens me, I really don't want to upset or trigger anyone.

Don'tknow I think the fact that just 8 years on you realize that burying it is not good is testament to how strong you really are, if I had realized so young I would of got proper counselling but them my counseller reckons mine was so severe that if I had I wouldn't of made it.

In order to heal it has to become worse first I was SO NAÏVE thinking it wouldn't affect me and as a result I have remembered a lot not everything but believe me I am a MUCH nicer person than I was 6 months ago. I didn't see how evil a temper or person I was I now worry about what if I was his last victim and have done it for nothing.

I don't want to pressure you Dontknow, but just be assured that it's ok to write whatever you want here. Or you can PM me if you prefer. If you'd rather not, that's fine too.

You are early on in the process of dealing with it. It is very very tough, but it will get better. You are on the right road, and that is a very good thing.

Dotty, your posts are truly inspiring. Having the strength to go through counselling and do what you are doing is amazing.
I do hope that one day I will be able to but the thought of it getting worse first is terrifying. I dread to think what could be worse than the way I am now x

Thankyou again Cailin. I will see how I feel a bit later on about it.

Thankyou again Cailin. I will see how I feel a bit later on about it.

Ok DontKnow :)

morning all.
got the house to myself again. feels strange, id normally be freaking out by being alone, but my friend pointed out the other day that its impossible to be "on" 24hrs a day. theyve only gone to the park, will be back soon.
My husband is back to work tomorrow, and 4yr old back at nursery, now im not looking forward to that. I hope its a nice day so i can do curcuits of the boating lake in the park to keep me occupied. lets see how mny miles i clock this week... All my friends think ive done soooo well losing my baby weight. if only they knew i eat chocolate/cake/crisip like its going out of fashion, i really crave junk when im low. The reason ive lost so much weight is because i hardly ever sit still, nervous energy keeping me moving. Also pisses me off the skinnyness is seen as the more desireable than the perfectly health size14 I was before my kids. I know i shouldnt moan about weight lose, but non of my clothes fit & we can really afford a shopping trip.
eeerrggghhhh, the dentist thing. Havent been for 20 years. I cant brush my kids teeth even. another job for H.

Dontknow I think your doing great being here is the first big step if you cant share why not keep a journal of your thoughts/memories the DC suggested it to me and it is a real comfort to see how far I've come PM me if you want to talk xx

Morning Laminator :)

Laminator, have you tried changing exercise, I've ditched running for pilates, as I was punishing myself running.

Plink, i dont even think i could class it as exercise,just walking, and just not keeping still!!!
Its strange, i have a thing about organised exercise. I trained as a gymnast for many years (this was part of my grooming :( ) And then as a dancer for many years after that. I would love to go to a dance class...I found my ballet shoes recently, didnt feel the need to burn those :) but struggle with the artistic indulgence thing, again!!! the idea of the gym freaks me out abit.
makes mental note to look for dance class
Fair play Plink, Pilates is HARD well the classes I did at Uni were hard, good on ya.
I think yoga would help, if i could just keep myself still long enough :)

I enjoyed pilates when I did it certain bits I couldn't do as I've got bad joints though x

I tried yoga and I bloody hated it. In fact I found it quite triggering but I have no idea why.

Good morning everyone. Had a late night, even when I got in bed we stayed awake talking for hours. Have agreed we are only gonna have unprotected sex when it's actually going to help, so second half of the month we are gonna go back to condoms. He was very understanding.

And we are gonna look into R crisis centre appointments because he's starting to feel like he can't help me enough on his own. It scares me though but I guess it was confirmed when I woke up this morning feeling really unhappy, think I wad having a nightmare before I woke up or something as I was very on edge.

Now I'm watching last nights The Voice and crying constantly when people get chosen! Definitely a very emotional day so far.

I think crying is good bamboo. I find it hard to cry, yet strange things do set me off.

bamboo i'm glad your going to look into you deserve to have a decent happy life I personally think i'm too old to start again but who knows your young and have your whole life ahead. I actually wake myself up shouting out during nightmares but still don't remember them a bit weird I know x

Yeah there have been times I've thrashed around in my sleep and woken dp up punching and hitting him but don't remember what I was dreaming apart from feeling scared and a bit shocked.

Woke myself up other week saying it was all my fault can't remember what the dream was though maybe it's a good thing though to protect us x

I have EDS so find yoga/pilates too easy but much needed to realign joints. Can't go to class if there's men about. I feel exposed, vulnerable and a bit seedy but thats because of previous pervy bloke comments about being very bendy.

I don't like the yoga breathing, found it made me dizzy, pilates breathing is different and very helpful.

Walking is fab though :)

hugs Bamboo

What's EDS Plink?

Sorry, it's Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, a genetic dna deformity of my collegen, visible traits are being "double-jointed", possibly "life-threatening" but so is crossing the road women tend to notice and call me a freak/weirdo so I stick to back of class and try to be "normal" as much as poss. argh burning lunch!

I do believe that you are all right. I do need to talk about it, or type it anyway.
This is the most recurring nightmare, so real I could throw up. We were at home (my brother and I). Knoc k at the door, we knew who it was. I literally froze, the fear was so intense I thought I was going to pass out. They kicked the living daylights out of him, he was barely conscious when they finished. Then it was my turn. It lasted hours, 5 of them. I can still see every single facial feature in detail, the smell of scotch (still can't bear it). I thought I was going to die. By the time they left I couldn't move. No idea how long I lay there. My face was so swollen and bruised I looked like a different person.
We were both beaten so bad, he couldn't drive us to the hospital, there was no way we could call an ambulance incase they were still watching. We spent the rest of that day in total silence.
When I have that nightmare, it's not like a nightmare at all. Every single detail is exact. The feeling of being frozen in fear again often makes me sick.
Unfortunately taking the sleeping tablets keeps me trapped in a circle of that.
I still have 3 scars from that one time.
I need to put it behind me and forget the whole thing ever happened.

Hugs to Bamboo, tis good to talk :) For what its worth, it was kind of expected that I would get PND, because of my history of depression. My flashbacks/memories came when i was pregnant for the first time. But I never got PND with either of my prgnacies. I kept expecting it to hit me after a few days/weekd/months...but it never. I`m annoyed a bit that the midwives/heath visters thought it was a given, i suppose its a good thing that they are aware etc.
I was definately more prepared emotionally this 2nd time around, we talked alot about how the pysical changes made me feel (not that you can stop PND with talking!) And we planned a homebirth which made me feel alot more in control. The best lovemaking ever was when I was pregnant... its as if all the issues vanished!!

Some of you say you have real issues with men, i think I have more of an issue with women... The ones who didnt protcect me, the nuns who were complicit etc. Most of my friends are men, Ive found it hard to connect with women. I know some women over the years have felt threatened by me, I have been seen as predetory at times :( I think I also have the opposite issues socially then many of you, Im a social butterfly!!! I`m the kind of person who can talk to anyone... My ex used to say "cant we go bloody anywhere without you making new friends...?" Except these people are not real friends. Everyone thinks I have lots of friends, would never think I was lonely etc, first up on the dance floor, last to leave a party.

Ah, yes the bendy comments... I`m hyper mobile with hyperextention, both legs around the head stuff. Dint help that my maiden name went comidically well with the word bendy, oh how we laughed!! not.
I think my main issue with going to class is being taught...I switch off, its like a dare to the tutor... "go on, teach me, I dare you, betcha cant do it, see told ya" as a walk out in a huff. Shame really, I was a pretty good mover at one time :(

Im so sorry to hearsome of you suffer so badly with nightmares. I have trouble getting to sleep & staying asleep, but only have bad dreams when Ive not had a smoke. The first night of our holiday (the first time without weed for ages) I dreamt that my brother had hung himself. We had vodka the following night.
I want to make you all a bit pot of pot tea :) x