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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

996 replies

CailinDana · 27/03/2012 14:40

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

OP posts:
NHAN · 15/04/2012 00:24

that's awful plink :(
I've been raped 4 times by 3 different men, not counting the abuse. I still don't see them as that bad, but I can see it if someone else says it.

Oh no, actually its 6 times, i forgot 2 other people. They weren't rape so much as no not working, pushing off not working and eventually i gave in.

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:25

NHAN what are your thoughts around suicide? Do you think about ways to do it? I've been in that position, feeling like I want to end it, I know how powerful a feeling it is.

OP posts:
bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:25

Yes plink that's the word. It's horrible, because it is posted on my news feed at least 10 times a day. I can't say anything about it or tell them to stop it because I know they will try and guess why I get so offended about it.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:26

No it sounds stupid but years ago one of my favourite films was the accused and when I think of it my emotions where very much like those portrayed in the film even down to the fact I asked for my hairdresser to chop my hair I was such a bloody mess even blaming the DC for how I felt how horrible does that make me.

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:26

NHAN those last two times that you described are rape.

You have been through so much. It's not surprising that you feel so close to the edge.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:27

I chopped all my hair when I was a teenager dotty. It's only in hindsight that I know why I did it.

OP posts:
bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:28

You have been through a lot NHAN and I second what Cailin just said about the last two times. Just keep talking, everyone is here for you.

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:30

FWIW NHAN, to me, "rape" seems like too strong a word to describe what my ex boyfriend did to me. I know technically it is rape but it feels more like a shite sexual experience. Doesn't stop my ex from being a dickhead though.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:32

My hairdresser refused but made me promise to get counselling she's a good friend and as been asking me for years to see her friend who went through the same in fact so did she and is now a rape crisis counseller she was the first person I saw there. I know far to many people in RL who've been abused Sad

She actually asked for my mobile to give her but I refused.

NHAN · 15/04/2012 00:32

I've tried many times to get help. I phoned the crisis team last night but they told me to get stuffed basically. Phoned back this morning and was told they should've helped me. Phoned out of hours go who said it wasmy battle and i had to get on with it by myself.
I've worked out the best way will be in front of a train. I can't go to london anymore because its too tempting, I last went 2 years ago and avoided the tube.
I went to a spiritualist church and someone came through who had killed themselves. They said they were at peace and no longer in pain. That didn't help and has removed my fear of death.
The worst bit is i don't think i'll ever be able to do it because there isn't anyone fit to have my children. I seem to be their best option -poor little things, they're fucked! They'll end up as socially inept as me :(

PlinkPaSta · 15/04/2012 00:33

Nhan, run very fast in the opposite direction to your mother.

I know I'm not to blame, I had no chance, just was so stupid and wanted to show him the area and have a chat, nice afternoon, share stories etc, I'd just like for once for someone to like me and just "waste" time with me, enjoying, just? what the hell do I know. Probably need to stop listening to love songs.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:34

Cailin what my bf did was more rape to me as he pinned me down on so many occasions and forced me to perform sex acts on him held my head down on him how stupid was I to stay with him.

bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:35

When we were watching Hollyoaks, I don't know if anyone here watches it or saw what happened to Jacqui McQueen, but I remember DP questioning whether it even counted as R (just because there was no violence, screaming etc). When I said "of course it does", it really opened his eyes a lot. He started questioning experiences from his own past (not his own actions, but those of his friends - he was a virgin when we met and never got close to a girl/woman before me).

He recalled a bunch of lads at his school stripping a girl off in the playground down to her underwear and asked me if that was R. It almost made me sick thinking about that poor girl, how humiliating that must be. I told him that no it wasn't R, but it was horrendous anyway.

bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:37

I'm so sorry NHAN. I don't know what to say, it is completely out of my experience... I've never had a suicidal thought, I'm terrified of dying. But I'm thinking of you, trust me. I just don't know how to reply.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:37

I went to him though bamboo sounds so daft that I blame myself as he was 16 and I was 4 or younger Confused

bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:38

You weren't stupid dotty. It seems like abuse makes us more vulnerable to these things happening again and, to some level, us "accepting" it as part of our lives because we're used to it now.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:38

Lorries look tempting when I get to that dark place bamboo

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:38

I know from experience how difficult it can be to get proper help NHAN. Mental health services are appalling.

I have no fear of death either. I fear other people dying, but not myself.

I don't think your children are fucked. You really really care about them and that's a hell of a lot more than a lot of people can say about their parents, including me. I know how strong the pull is to kill yourself and the fact that you are battling through just for them shows how much you love them.

OP posts:
bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:40

That's very true Cailin.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:40

Even though my kids are grown that is what stops me and its what stops you NHAN because you are a fantastic mother who is going to break the cycle believe me you can and will do it xx

bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:43

This is very therapeutic for me. Thank you so much for all being here tonight. I have never spoken like this, ever. Even to DP, I feel like I have to force the words out.

It hurts though, this is making me very emotional in a sad way. But I still feel like it helps. Does that make sense?

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:43

I am still in vague contact with my ex boyfriend and I am sometimes tempted to tell him that what he did was rape. I'm not sure I'd get much satisfaction from it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:45

Yes it makes sense bamboo. I'm having trouble feeling anything at the moment. I was never allowed to show emotion growing up so even though I have feelings in my heart and I know they're there I have trouble accessing them. I cry at things unconnected to me, like when my friend told me about a child in her school dying recently, I really cried. I didn't even know the child and my friend didn't cry, but I couldn't stop the tears. Yet I don't cry about things in my own life. It's weird.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:47

I was asked where they could find mine on the way home never mentioned the abuse I suffered with him told her he was 6 feet under and she just laughed that's when I told her he was just as bad but it wasn't relevant in my statement, was also sexually assaulted at 14 and just froze did I have victim tattoed on my fucking forehead or something.

NHAN · 15/04/2012 00:49

Thank you, i'm very embarrassed about being a whining attention seeking little girl, but my personality seems to be splitting at the moment. I'm hoping its a good sign and it means i'm finally getting somewhere, or i could be entering full scale madness! I even went to Maytree, which is a place run by the samaritans for suicidal people. You stay 4 nights and get to talk to people etc. It didn't help because I was too embarrassed to show my vulnerable side.
The general view seems to be that people who are really going to do it don't tell anyone, but thats rubbish. I read an article about a local lady who phoned 30 people before killing herself. Nobody helped her. I can imagine she felt as though she had her answer there.
I don't want to go that way. Oh god, see i'm mad, its passed already! I really do have a split personality. I am officially mental.. woo fucking hoo.
(they probably won't delete this will they, i'm going to be officially mental on mn forever)
I was also force fed drugs as a child and teenager. I take no responsibility for the utter rubbish i keep posting