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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

996 replies

CailinDana · 27/03/2012 14:40

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:00

Don't be sorry I didn't even realize until the DC said to me in the car on the way home from my video statement "dotty it wasn't just incest he raped you, you where a child he was an adult" how stupid does that make me I got to a couple of weeks off 41 before realizing and then took me until his arrest for me to accept and say the word willingly my gp made me say it though.

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:01

I still can't say "rape" out loud. I typed it on a computer when I was telling my ex and my DH doesn't know I was raped at all.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:03

Plink I forgot you said that about the caffeine I make jokes about mainlining it all the time.

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:03

What happened in October Plink? (It's ok if you'd rather not talk about it).

OP posts:
PlinkPaSta · 15/04/2012 00:03

My therapist keeps telling me I was raped, we've written it down, I've said it but it doesn't feel like me/doesn't feel real.

bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:05

I get a weird pain across my chest when I hear the word being spoken out loud. DP said it once and I almost went into shock. I will have to work on it because I think maybe not being able to say the word builds it up to be an even scarier thing than it is.

Our experiences do sound similar. I'm sorry to hear your ex did that. Luckily I've never had that from a boyfriend, they have always been very cautious (despite me never telling them). I think boys need to be taught better at school about consent and how it should be required every time. And just because we "usually" have sex it does not mean we are always available for sex.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:07

I can't let DH near me intimately atm I forced myself about 2-3 weeks ago and it was awful cried my eyes out feel so bad for him.

NHAN · 15/04/2012 00:08

I'm just being pathetic and selfish sorry.
It just hurts that when I posted about feeling suicidal hardly anyone comments yet other things get loads of comments. I don't want to live because nobody gives a crap about me, its killing me reading about everyone elses supportive partners when my ex wouldn't help me at all.
I keep trying to stop posting and go off on my (not very) merry way but i keep coming back to beat myself with a big stick.
My ex used to say everyone of these threads and facebook etc was laughing at me and he couldn't believe i could be so stupid as to expect anyone to care. I don't have any idea who to trust anymore

bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:08

I'm sure he understands dotty, you're only human and you're going through a lot. x

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:09

Rape is such a taboo word isn't it? I mean you can in any situation "I was knocked down," "I was robbed," "I was dumped," but saying "I was raped" is a massive thing that you would only say to people you really trusted. I think that's part of the reason it holds such power, because you have to hold it in so much.

OP posts:
bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:10

People do give a crap about you NHAN. I'm sorry. There's lots of people writing lots of things, it can be hard to keep up.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:10

NHAN i'm so sorry I was away for a few days this last week wasn't always on laptop I get that way to very nearly carried it out on my way home < hugs> xxx

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:12

We are all here for you NHAN. The thread moves fast and posts can get lost. Keep posting if you can.

OP posts:
bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:13

It is very hard, I don't know if it's my age but I seem to encounter the word a lot at the moment, everyone on Facebook is .. well, I can't even write that. And I am a gamer (well actually, I'm the leader of a gaming community), and it's one of those words people use a lot to describe being destroyed by their opponents. I always shout at them and say it's inappropriate. It's a horrible horrible word and they don't even appreciate how hurtful it is that they use it in such a light hearted way.

PlinkPaSta · 15/04/2012 00:13

Cailin, I was on a second date with a guy, lovely picnic in a public park, not busy not quiet, middle of the day, was walking by some trees, next thing he's shoving me in the bushes. Clothing ripped, I did nothing to stop it and had the picnic after, whilst he joked about me saying I wasn't ready to have sex with him yet. I didn't go to the police, went to therapy instead. I'd be blamed, couldn't cope with that at the moment and it feels minor in comparison to my step father.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:14

plink I was told to call it what I wanted and when I finally said it she was so pleased for me as it was another step forward xx

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:16

I used to cringe at the thought of rapeseed as there is lots around here how dumb is that x

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:18

That is awful Plink :( Why do you think you would be blamed?

NHAN, how are you doing?

I get what you mean about the R word being used out of context bamboo. It bugs me too.

OP posts:
bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:18

yes whenever I see that when I'm looking at ingredients it makes me flinch.

NHAN · 15/04/2012 00:20

I let my mother back in again and I know she is going to screw my head up again. Its the same everytime and i end up depressed and not coping.
She is acting all nice and supportive again but she hates me and wanted me dead so i know its a trick just like last year and the year before.
I'm 32 now but i feel like a child and i don't think i'll ever be ok so it feels the only thing to do. I feel really calm about it which scares me. I used to be scared of death and that stopped me going too far but now it feels like a good idea. Nobody will look after my children though so i can't.
I guess thats a good thing but it doesn't feel it right now

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:21

plink you know your not to blame he was, but I guess your the same as most of us on here you can give advice and see others aren't to blame but when its personal it makes it so difficult to accept your own advice xx

PlinkPaSta · 15/04/2012 00:21

Nhan, please do fight against what your ex told you. I am not laughing at you, it is a fast thread, I care about everyone on the thread, I don't have a supportive partner but I'm learning from the others. Do keep posting, please :)

Bamboo, is that the frape term? yes had to have a conversation with DS about that.

Original poster
CailinDana · 15/04/2012 00:22

I gave DH a shock recently when I told him I was disappointed in him for watching the series "Spartacus." It's a bloody ridiculous show but what got to me was that there are very (and I mean very) frequent graphic scenes of rape, all shot in a way that glamorises it. It just really disturbed me that rape is shown for entertainment and the effect of it is totally ignored, as if the female characters are nothing, they're just pieces of meat for the men to use. I know DH thought I was being a bit precious but I've noticed that he hasn't watched any more of it since. I find it a bit sickening that in a mainstream show airing on Sky, strong, powerful men are shown raping as a matter of course. What sort of message does that send out?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 00:22

Yes I can't call it that I tell them its hacking

bamboo24 · 15/04/2012 00:23

Have you spoken to anyone specifically about the suicidal thoughts NHAN?

I'm sorry I can't reply directly to your problems with your mother, I don't know the back story, but I'm sorry to hear she affects you so badly