Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

DH was abused himself but according to him he can't remember any details

Bamboo :( What was going through your head last night when you were crying?

Nhan, thankyou, you will get through this, ok, x

It does make sense Cailin, I can see why you would think those things. I've thought similar about DP too.

I've told him most of the story, but there are those little things that I keep back. Mostly just because some things are too painful to even force myself to think, let alone say out loud. He knows I have nightmares and bad days, but he doesn't know I have flash backs. I guess some things I feel like there's no need to tell him, like why make him feel worse? It already breaks his heart to see me the way I am sometimes.

That thought stops me from telling my DH too bamboo - I would hate to see him hurt by what I say.

Rape is difficult for everyone, it doesn't matter what the person knows about you. He would have raped you or anyone else regardless of your past because he was an abuser too.
If you have a loving supportive OH, tell him what you feel comfortable with. You don't have to give him details if you don't want to.
I thought i could trust my ex and told him everything. It was a very bad idea but not all men are arseholes, or so i'm told!

bamboo I don't even know how young I was just that it happened a hell of alot over the years

OMG ok i take the hint

NHAN have I upset you

I don't normally cry, even when I am very sad about it. I had a horrible night with PMS and was feeling quite detached from DP, we had a little argument before bed and he fell asleep. I was feeling very lonely and moody, and thoughts just wandered off into the wrong direction... Then I could vividly picture one particular snapshot in time of what happened to me, and I started drifting to sleep but only half asleep so that my mind was going in circles, still awake enough to monitor my thoughts, but not awake enough to avoid them, and I couldn't shake this image out of my head, obviously no need to go into too graphic detail but it was very distressing... sometimes your mental pictures can be so realistic and intrusive that you are overwhelmed by them.

It's almost 12 years since it happened, I keep thinking things like "Half my life ago... How stupid am I that I still haven't let it go at all?" I still feel as bad about it now as I did then and it makes me feel so pathetic.

No dotty x

Are you okay NHAN?

Bamboo, you should be able to email, I have phone anxiety too, unfortunately it's from abuse.

Cailin, the shit head boyf who raped you would have raped you no matter what, like Nhan says, he was an abuser.

We use the word "pathetic" a lot don't we? I wonder why we all judge ourselves so harshly. Is it because it's sexual abuse, and there's a "dirty" element to it? Or is it a defence mechanism? I know, rationally, that what happened to me wasn't my fault, that I'm not pathetic and that I'm just trying to cope with something difficult. But in my gut I feel like a damaged piece of shit and I want to hide that from my DH so he doesn't suddenly realise what he's dealing with and go out and find a proper real person who isn't an old used rag.

bamboo mine ended january/february of 83 after I'd been hospitalized at just turned 12 I'm still not over it you can never get truly over it but I never said anything proper about it until 6 months ago x

Nhan, you ok?

I haven't really dealt properly with the rape that happened when I was an adult.

Nhan, you ok?

Nhan, you ok?

No but still fighting it for now, thanks for asking.

Cailin I have now mine was repeated again first 'bf' at 16 he was 43/44 and did it regularly was I stupid or what but its all coming out in counselling xx

I didn't even realise it had happened a second time. I was Rd at 12 and less than six months later I was sexually active "by choice", I spent my teens making reckless decisions, coming on to one of my high school teachers for example (though again I now know better that he should NOT have gone along with it to the level he did) and because I put no value on my body whatsoever, I didn't even realised I was Rd again at 18, from a friend I was still friends with until a few weeks ago when I suddenly realised he had Rd me (I was asleep and woke up to him having sex with me, but because of the lack of violence that was so present in the first R at 12 years old, I never associated what was happening with R).

Sorry, I really can't type the word.

Please talk if it helps you NHAN.

My boyfriend was quite a good guy really, and was very understanding when I talked about the abuse. He even cried when I talked about it which for me was very healing because it showed me a "normal" reaction to something so horrible. Then things started going downhill between us, just normal stuff, fights, not getting on, and we talked about breaking up. He had a thing against using condoms which I wasn't happy about and so I'd said no more sex until we resolved the issue. We went to bed and I woke up in the middle of the night to find him taking off my pyjamas and before I could really react he was raping me. I managed to get him off and ran to the spare room, he didn't come after me. In the morning he asked me why I'd run out and I said because I didn't want sex and because I was scared. He said I was "making it sound rapey." (WTF?) I didn't push the issue, and we broke up not long after.

I know it's fucked up thing to say but that is an almost non-event in comparison to what my abusers did to me.

I was raped last october, I'll never have sex again, I feel nothing.

I don't think all men are like that though.

Nhan, what was the OMG hint?

Sorry for repeat postings, demented phone.

If no one noticed the joke can I namechange to coffeeahorlicks (alcoholics? anybody? no? just me?)

X-posted with you bamboo. Our later experiences sound very similar. It took me a long time to realise that what happened with my ex was rape. In fact if he hadn't made the "rapey" comment then I might not have considered it rape at all.