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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

996 replies

CailinDana · 27/03/2012 14:40

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

OP posts:
PlinkPaSta · 14/04/2012 23:03

Nhan, it's ok, you are being supportive, thankyou for listening to me rant about my neighbours, x

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/04/2012 23:03

Same here dotty. I don't think I'll ever get over how my mother reacted. For years I just hadn't realised how disconnected she was, but when I said those terrible words - "I was sexually abused" and she said "Don't tell your father, you should just try to get over it, my cousin did blah de blah to me when I was young, you can't let it ruin your life, don't make me feel guilty" then I couldn't really deny it any more. I mean who can sit there in front of their own child, a child who's saying something so awful has happened, and give them no comfort whatsoever? The only conclusion I can draw is that she just doesn't care. She was concerned about my dad finding out, about it being inconvenient and about her own guilt, that was all.

OP posts:
bamboo24 · 14/04/2012 23:04

Hi dotty sorry, I was busy before. I would like any advice anyone can give, always :)

PlinkPaSta · 14/04/2012 23:08

Cailin, almost sounds like my mother.

Aso none of us is pathetic, in any way at all, the parents who abused and neglected us are pathetic.

dottyspotty2 · 14/04/2012 23:10

bamboo You say your trying for a baby, now my eldest is nearly 21 and I suffered severe PND as a result of my abuse. If your already getting flashbacks etc I would urge you to get some counselling first so you can start a family knowing you've tried your best to get over it.

I only got proper counselling last October after disclosing the abuse to the police and wish I had done it many years ago xx

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/04/2012 23:13

I talked to her about it on two separate occasions a few years apart. I tried the second time because I though that her reaction the first time was due to shock. How wrong I was. Her reaction the second time was even worse. She basically got annoyed that I was bringing it up again, and said I was trying to make her feel guilty. She even tried to justify the abuser being in the house by saying we needed the money (he was connected to second job she had), thus implying that I was ungrateful for the effort she put in. The message was that the abuse I suffered was just a side effect of us getting extra money. Nice, huh?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 14/04/2012 23:16

She has asked one of my sisters on several occasions if we were telling the truth and she told her we was and yet now she says he's done nothing and has denied even being told about it to the police and my other sister.

NHAN · 14/04/2012 23:20

Thanks Plink, no worries, if I can ever return the favour let me know x

bamboo24 · 14/04/2012 23:21

Ah thank you for the kind advice dotty. Actually I already have a child and did have PND after the birth, for about 18 months, it was dreadful. DP and I both knew it was mostly due to my past that I felt the way I did, I guess we hoped that the experience of PND will help me be more resilient to it happening again next time.

I'm currently having therapy for health anxiety disorder but even though I've been going for months I haven't mentioned anything I'm disclosing here to my therapist. It's cognitive behavioural therapy and we spend very little time discussing anything apart from coping strategies and techniques. She knows very little about me, and I think from what I've gathered from people I've spoken to, if I want to talk about my past, I have to find a counsellor.

I can't say I won't carry on trying for another baby, there's something inside me telling me it's time now if you know what I mean, and any rational argument against it tends to get overruled by my broody side. But I very much appreciate your honest advice x

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/04/2012 23:21

The thing that gets me about my mother is that she has no reason to defend my abuser or to not believe it happened. They're not friends any more and haven't seen each other for years and years. Her unwillingness to deal with the whole thing is purely based on her own cowardice and total lack of empathy for me.

OP posts:
PlinkPaSta · 14/04/2012 23:22

I just wish I wasn't me and that I didn't know what I know.

bamboo24 · 14/04/2012 23:22

I'm so sorry to read that Cailin :( Although I've never been able to tell my parents what happened, I do trust they would be completely supportive, I can't imagine how it must be for you. I think one thing we will all gain from our own pasts is the knowledge and experience to become observant, protective parents.

PlinkPaSta · 14/04/2012 23:22

I just wish I wasn't me and that I didn't know what I know.

PlinkPaSta · 14/04/2012 23:23

I just wish I wasn't me and that I didn't know what I know.

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/04/2012 23:25

Are you ok Plink?

Bamboo - yes, it sucks, majorly. I'm lucky that I have a lovely supportive DH but even still there is a lot I haven't told him. I'm ashamed of a lot of what happened to me, even though I try not to be.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 14/04/2012 23:26

bamboo I've been told by a dear friend who has come out the other side that CBT wont work until you have had the counselling mine is rape crisis centre and my counsellor is amazing she is also a PTSD counsellor so knows her stuff. xx

PlinkPaSta · 14/04/2012 23:27

And that just had to post three times.

Sorry if my joke offended Bamboo.

Cailin, hugs

bamboo24 · 14/04/2012 23:28

How much do you have to pay for a counsellor at the crisis centre? I know we have one in the next town along (I went on their site last night when I was feeling sad). I can't afford anything!

dottyspotty2 · 14/04/2012 23:28

I never told DH the full story until the night I had my first session was in bed and he just held me sobbing in his arms until I fell asleep. Really didn't think I could my girls want nothing to do with their grandma now after her latest reaction. xx

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/04/2012 23:29

Thanks Plink.

OP posts:
PlinkPaSta · 14/04/2012 23:30

Phone with a mind of it's own Cailin Hmm

dottyspotty2 · 14/04/2012 23:30

You don't the lovely DC got me mine I have 2-3 sessions left unless it goes to court then they will provide further support.

You can phone up though. xx

bamboo24 · 14/04/2012 23:31

I didn't notice a joke Plink :) But I'm not easily offended, especially not somewhere like here. I know it's strange, but it feels like a safe place. I don't get a hint of maliciousness from anyone here and I like that.

Cailin - it's brilliant having a supportive partner. I'm sorry you feel ashamed. I know it would be patronising to say you have no reason to be but obviously I think that.

Original poster
CailinDana · 14/04/2012 23:32

I think one of the reasons I'm afraid of telling my DH the full thing is that I told a previous boyfriend and he was very understanding at the time but later on he raped me. The rape itself wasn't traumatic, I just felt so let down that he knew what had happened to me and yet that didn't stop him from doing what he liked. I think if I told my DH the whole story and he did something dodgy then I would find it hard to forgive him whereas if he doesn't know the full story I think I'd find it easier as I could believe that he didn't know it would be so difficult for me. Does that make any sense?

OP posts:
bamboo24 · 14/04/2012 23:33

I have a phone anxiety, I can't call strangers, I've never called a helpline before, despite going to their site and getting the number lots of times. I go to the site, I feel scared and cowardly, and it just makes me feel worse. Maybe one day I will be low enough to call... Last night I was thinking about calling, but then just put my hands over my face and started crying.