Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Hi all. Nothing much to post today. It's been a very tiring week and I need a break but inlaws are here. I hope everyone is well.

Thanks I know its probably just me expecting to be judged. I think it stems from the first time I told someone about my abuse as an adult. I had blocked it out for years and I confided in someone, but her response was 'oh people don't usually admit to something like that, its incest isn't it' Even though I know her response wasn't fair it still makes me very wary who I tell. If that man wasn't related to me it would be ok for me to talk about it but because he is i'm a complete freak. She was a group facilitator and counsellor too.

I really appreciate your support last night Plink. I'm glad I posted how bad I was feeling otherwise I would have been completely alone with it.

I had a horrible reaction to NHAN parents told me I knew right from wrong and shouldn't of let it happen. [Sad]

That's horrible :( At least you can be proud that you had the courage to say something. It takes someone stronger than I am. I can't imagine how it must have felt to hear those things Nhan and dotty. I think it makes sense to be wary. It's sharing a part of yourself, which is something we should all be able to have control over, despite people in the past demanding we share with them what is ours and only ours, and never theirs to take.

I often envy my friend who has made such peace with what happened to her that she will tell people, I wouldn't say with ease, but with a lot more ease than I ever would. Well, it goes to show I guess that I know her story but she doesn't suspect it ever happened to me (and she is one of my closest friends).

Bamboo can I offer some advice of an old bugger x

Hey guys anyone out there at the moment? Just feeling a bit shit tonight.

I'm here whats up

Honestly, I don't know. I'm just feeling like the world is moving a bit too fast for me at the moment and I can't get a handle on it if that makes sense.

No problem Nhan, glad you're back on the thread, everyone here has supported me so I'm trying to be supportive to everyone back.

I'm bloody proud of you all.

20 coffees a day Bamboo! Do you get to join coffeehorlicks anonymous :o joke btw, don't go cold turkey, reduce coffee amount and add more water!

Cailin, sorry xpost, I'm here, can you stomp your feet and pat your arms?

Slow yourself down if i'm busy during the day I can get shaky was a bit like it earlier on but ok now x

I can't Plink, I'm with DH and I'm hiding everything from him.

there's your problem talking online isn't enough you need to tell him Cailin please.

Pinch your arm discretely(sp) start concentrating on your surroundings, can you see and focus on five things, can you focus on the people talking.

I can't dotty, not at the moment. Talking about it IRL knocks me down, literally. We have so much going on at the moment that there just isn't time for that. I think talking here does help because I don't have to explain things so much.

you ok Cailin?

It does me too Cailin but you know what I get back up because he isn't going to win I am xxx

I'm alright Plink, thanks.

I know dotty. I sometimes feel that because of the abuse and because of my parents being shit I don't know how "normal" life works. I want my DS to have a lovely childhood but I'm afraid I just don't know how to do it. Over the last few weeks I've been realising that I've been holding back from really loving DS, or really feeling the love I have for him if that makes sense. I'm so afraid of hurting him. I don't want to fuck him up.

Are you ready to deal with it properly yet x

I think I have dealt with the abuse itself as much as I can really. The thing that I find hard to face is how utterly crap my parents have been throughout my life and the huge responsibility I feel towards my DS. I don't want to repeat the mistakes my parents made.

All round counsellling might be useful Cailin would you consider it x

Hugs Cailin, no parent is perfect but most are good. Don't be scared to love him.

I suppose growing up most children see their parents as infallible and they accept everything that happens in their family. I was very much like that - I was convinced for a long time that my family was pretty great and I thought everything was pretty normal. Once I started remembering the abuse it very very slowly began to seep in that in fact my family is pretty shit. And that's a terrible thing to have to come to terms with I think. I'm finding it hard. I don't want to tarnish everything that happened when I was growing up, as it wasn't all bad, but all I seem to be able to remember is shit stuff. Nothing good. I don't want my DS to feel that way about his childhood.

Stupid as it sounds I would love to sit down with someone who had a "normal" childhood and have them explain to me what that's like. I suppose counselling might fulfil that purpose?

The main problem with counselling is the cost.