Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

What I want to know is, did I expect too much from my mother? I would feel horrible if in a few years time I realise that I am doing all the same things with my DS that my mother did with me, and that my mother didn't really fail, she was just doing her best and got it wrong.

Does that make sense? I want to know if I have the right ideas about how a parent should be.

I just did the opposite of my parents and looked for inspiration from happy families, ok it was pure naivety of a teenager. I just hugged him a lot, was honest and open and respected him.

mine is dealing with EVERY aspect the abuse, childhood, my feelings of inadequacies as a parent and my relationship with DH. In all honesty I personally don't think there is such a thing as a 'normal' life everyone is so different x

How do you think a parent should be? warts and all?

That's a good approach Plink. I'm just feeling a bit tortured by thinking about what on earth was going on with my mum when I was little. Did she just not understand what I needed? Or did she feel nothing for me, and so just didn't respond to what I needed? Or did I expect too much and were the mistakes she made just normal things that happen in every family?

I don't know if I'm being idealistic but the way I feel is that a parent should put their child first, always. I don't mean that the child should run riot or rule the house but I think the parent has such a lot of power in their hands that they should be aware of that at all times and be very conscious of how their words and actions affect their children. But then I wonder if that's too much to expect and if I'm setting myself up for failure? I know I'll make mistakes, of course, but will I do things my mum did? Or will I go too far the other way and be a wishy washy arse of mother who lets her child run riot?

Do you want an honest opinion Cailin?

Definitely dotty.

The fact that your querying making the same mistakes as your mother to me is saying that you wont do so. You adore your son that's the feeling I get from your posts and would never do anything to harm him.

Give positive enforcement ignore little wrong things, but praise little good things never let him go to bed on an argument and be there for him. xx

Your post is very reassuring dotty, thank you. I suppose my main problem is that I have no role model. DH had a pretty good upbringing (though I suspect his father was very hard to live with, DH has only hinted at that) so I know he has a better idea about things than I do.

A lot of what Plink said about comforting the child you used to be really resonated with me.

I worry that because I feel so sorry for myself as a child that I'll be too full on with my DS, too smothering.

1. Instead of questioning my parents, I asked myself how I would of liked my parents to act, ie instead of being offhand and dismissive, being always ready to listen and welcoming.

1. I learned "THE look" which every mother needs to learn in terms of parenting when tackling behaviour. A stern "Erm!" direct look and raised eyebrows, followed by "stop" "don't" etc, you know for roads, climbing etc.

1. I always put him first beside me and the different pets we've had surrogate siblings

Good one Dotty, never go to bed on an argument, even with your DH.

You are a good mum, nothing wrong with being idealistic and realistic, and absolutely nothing wrong with "smothering", your DC needs to know there's always going to be someone in their corner, looking out for them and protecting them.

Cailin i've made mistakes with my 4 yr old. I've heard myself say the things my mother did, not the really bad bits, just the grumpy shouty argghh I can't cope with you stuff. I've calmed down, told him i'm sorry and explained why i lost my temper. He accepted that and we were fine again. I've been really worried recently that i've screwed him up, but last night he made up a song about how I was the best mummy in the whole wide world.
You may do the odd thing your mum did but the main thing is you will recognise it and change it. We're all human and we will have these little people living in our houses with us for many years, we're all bound to get things wrong from time to time but as long as we face up to it and deal with it properly they will fine.
The problems come when parents refuse to see where they went wrong and refuse to take the blame for anything. This is when the child then takes everything on themselves and ends up screwed up.
I want my chilren to grow up knowing i'm not perfect, they're not perfect and nobody ever will be. But good people accept, own and learn from their mistakes.

I just need to get some memories of my childhood out of my head.

I used to get a lot of ear infections when I was little. I remember being in the bathroom in the middle of the night, aged about 6, crying with the pain with of an infection. My dad came in and said "Why are you in here?" The reason I was in there was because I was banned from ever going into my parents' room at night so I was afraid to wake them up, instead I just sat there crying on my own. For the record my dad was very kind to me, gave me painkillers and put me to bed. He is quite disconnected from reality but when faced with a situation like that he is very compassionate. I know from my parents' point of view, banning us from the bedroom was a way of ensuring we didn't come in and wake them up at night, which is fair enough, but surely they wouldn't want us being sick and afraid to ask for help? It wasn't a deliberate cruelty on their part, I think just thoughtlessness.

I had a crazy teacher when I was 7/8 and I mean batshit crazy. She used to bash kids up against desks, throw things, scream and shout. I was so terrified of her I used to think about throwing myself down the stairs so I wouldn't have to go to school. My mother knew exactly what was going on as she worked in the adjacent secondary school and this teacher was legendary. Yet, she never asked me about it, and never did anything about it. That's not normal, right?

And of course, the piece de resistance is her reaction to the abuse.

Plink when dd1 first left home we texted each other a night night and love you every night xx

Oh and i'm sorry if I haven't been very supportive to others on here. I usually am very supportive but i've just been trying to stay alive recently.

Sorry Cailin I can't remember was it a family member who abused you?

I have not one single memory of her putting her arm around me and comforting me about anything. When I broke up with my boyfriend (a guy who raped me, she didn't know about that), I was very very down for a couple of months. She never sat with me, never talked to me, nothing. I will never forget, I was finally getting over the whole thing and getting my life back on track and I told a joke to her and my sister and laughed. My mum said "Thank God you're finally laughing, I thought you'd never get over it," which my arsehole of a sister found hilarious. That was the extent of her "support" - waiting till I'd pulled myself out of a hole and then berating me for being upset.

No dotty it was friend of my mother.

I don't either remember being called a stupid cow for dropping a cup of tea and knocked off my feet was about 8/9

If it was a friend just as bad she had head in sand syndrome.

I have tried to convince myself to get over the fact that she just doesn't care but it is so hard.

I often still feel like a pathetic little child wishing and hoping for mummy to come along and pick her up and cuddle her. I can't believe that I never had that in my childhood, and I often think I must be forgetting things, that she did in fact cuddle me and I've blocked it out or something. But I suppose that's just wishful thinking.

That is more hurtful to me Cailin mine says he's innocent because he's not been charged when I eventually told her I was 4 her answer was your dad would of killed him no emotion or reaction to how she felt it bloody cuts deep.

I hope I will get over the abuse one day, but that reaction I don't think I can.

No Cailin it's not I feel it it's awful I cry over it, now that sounds pathetic I'm 41 years old not 4