Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

I do think it is a sympton of ptsd, it is an overwhelming sensation, coming out of the blue, usually after a trigger. I love my life, my DS, I don't want to die. My life and future are too full.

The "black" flashbacks, the dangerous ones are just the memories which are too much to cope with. I cannot cope with what happened. But I do not want to die. It just hurts more than I can mentally or physically contain.

Sorry you are struggling so much atm Dotty, x

Hi everyone. I have asked for my posts to be removed because I regret posting so much personal information on here. I have been worried people are judging me which isn't really helping at the moment. There are so many people judging me in real life, the thought that people here are is too much to handle.
Thank you for all your support. I would like to remain on here but will keep my past to myself. I always felt keeping things hidden was more damaging and it was best to be honest and open about it, but sadly society doesn't share that view and it just makes me appear a freak and an outcast.
I've always just wanted to fit in and be accepted as normal but at the moment it feels as if this will only happen if I don't tell people about my past. I'm not the same as everyone else and I never will be.

Morning. I have had the longest sleep in years. i went to bed yesterday morning & woke 2 hours ago. I feel rested, but I also feel like ive been beaten up. I had such a freakout the other day, I think I clenched every muscle in my body for hours. im so cross at my parents for undermining my husband. he hasnt self harmed since he was a teenager, they have made him feel exactly like the bullied boy he was all those years ago. we are trying our hardest to hold things together here, one day at a time, tiny causious steps, we are both so damaged its tragic. They keep sweeping in with their grief & brow beating, I cant bear it. We are having the phone disconected next week.
After insisting on bringing frigging chocolate eggs, I told them to also bring a brought a box of stuff that had been stored in their garage. I set fire to my first holy communion dress. There were photos in the box I dont even recognise as me. I shouldnt have opened these boxes, I dont know why I did.

I guess I`m struggeling with the idea of being a nice person too. I constantly feel the need to punish or damage myself further. Why cant I protect myself?
I hate that my shit is stirring up old shit with my husband, this does not make me feel like a good person. I feel poisenous sometimes.

To skip a few pages back - how weird about the sandwiches. i`m exactly the same. The smell of a butty, fuit & yoghurt all in the same box knocks me sick.
If we have a picknic, I take ingriedients and make butties, salads etcwhen we get there. I have a similer thing with hot food from flasks, ok with coffee, but not soup, stew, bbbllleeeggh.

Cant remember who said about keeping two feet on the ground to help with "grounding". I have been conciously trying this over the holiday & since we got back & have have to comment that for me it has been the hardest thing in the world to acheive??!! I seem to sit all twisted up, legs tucked under me, or folded. Sitting straight with my feet on the floor actually made me feel a bit dizzy. I have been thinking about budhism & yoga for a while, but think I`m going to start looking for a group to join. I think I need to be more physically aware of myself, & not just the aches & pains.

For all mt rants, i`m feeling okish today. Hope everyone is doing ok.

Oh, also GP was helpful. hopefully being refared to the right place for assesment. He wanted me to think about ADs but, im not going down that route, not for me. He mentioned beta blokers for my anxiety, as they would help with sleep, few side effects. Anyone use these?

Laminator my GP didn't give me a choice with AD's looking back I really think I woulkd of finished it or ended up sectioned without them I was really ill.

NHAN no-one is judging you here I think its the way we see ourselves I judge me and worry others do the same because of how it happened does it make me crazy I don't know.

Hi. I'm sorry, I usually just lurk, I'm not so strong as to be able to talk openly about myself when it comes to this. But I think I finally figured out how to name change and decided I'd make a post.

I lay awake all night crying and just decided I'm very weak right now. Usually it's once every few months or so, I have a horrible time, anywhere from a few days to a month, where I can't escape it and I cry and snap. Usually there's triggers of some kind, but sometimes it's as though my body turns against me. I went on a couple of help websites but there wasn't much that could help me. This was over a decade ago. I never told my family and I never had counselling. I was drinking, smoking and doing drugs at 13 to cope, and spent my teens having sex with anyone who would ask to prove to myself that I wasn't a victim and I was in control.

I've never had counselling of any description, but you all seem to suggest that helps? I can't say the words out loud though. I can't even write or type the R word. How would I even tell the counsellor in the first place?

What bothers me right now is we are trying for a baby... I don't like the feeling, it gives me flashbacks. I don't want to tell DP and upset him and it's not like we can conceive any other way. Sex is fine, but unprotected is really very different. I don't want DP to relate our sex life to what happened to me at all, I never want him to feel like he's caused a trigger.

Nhan, so what if people judge you for your past, if anything it shows them as abuse enablers, Hope your ok and things get better, x

Laminator, sorry you're going through that, I take beta blockers, no side effects but not good for breast feeding. They do take away the fight or flight sensation. Sertraline, an AD, has halved my flashbacks and completely reduced my nightmares, they are licensed as one of two AD's for PTSD, they do help but have side effects and not good for breastfeeding.

Nhan, Dotty said it brilliantly, thanks Dotty, x

Bamboo, sorry you're going through that too, I think half the problem is the damage done by the abuser to keep things secret, can you take someone with you? x

Trying, hope the link helped a bit, x

Laminator, my gp hasn't offered ADs yet, she has given me sleeping tablets for two weeks first to see if the lack of sleep is the main problem. She has made a referral for counselling but said there is a very long waiting list, bloody wonderful isn't it.
Has anyone got experience of taking sleeping tablets? I took my first one last night and had horrendous time. I was trapped in the circle of nightmares but couldn't wake up properly to get up. I still feel drowsy, almost drunk (I'm not!) now.

Laminator, my gp hasn't offered ADs yet, she has given me sleeping tablets for two weeks first to see if the lack of sleep is the main problem. She has made a referral for counselling but said there is a very long waiting list, bloody wonderful isn't it.
Has anyone got experience of taking sleeping tablets? I took my first one last night and had horrendous time. I was trapped in the circle of nightmares but couldn't wake up properly to get up. I still feel drowsy, almost drunk (I'm not!) now.

Dontknow I was on zopliclone just after I disclosed i've never slept properly in my entire life but doing this made me realize why it is slowly settling down now also been on Diazepam and bought myself herbal stuff the drunk feeling is normal thats why your not suuposed to drive the next morning x

Thanks Plink, Ive pretty much stopped breast feeding now, which is why Im consisdering the BBs. My aversion to ADs is purley because of the effect they have had on me previously, bad shivers, weight loss , dizzyness. Im not prepared for that esspecially not now with the kids. Im prepared to talk about Sertraline with whoever carries out my assesment. But really, I dont think were done having children yet.... not right away... but we have a few breeding yeras left yet & I dont want to be on and off Ads through out.

Hi Bamboo, so sorry you feel like this. Sounds like we have had parallel lives. :(
My husband told me he felt better knowing, it was all spilt out to him rather than talked through. But I have found him to be a very caring lover, even more so since my diclosure... He is the only man I have ever been honest with & certainly the only man I have made love with as appose to having sex.

DP has always been encouraging me to go and would probably come with me but I don't know if I would feel comfortable with it. We also really struggle for money right now (just moved house) and so I don't know if I could afford it...

I don't think my abuser really did anything to try and scare me into being quiet. I was 12 and had a crush on him... he was 18. But I think he was confused by his own behaviour. He kept saying things like "you're too young" and then hugging me or putting his hand on me. He kissed me on the cheek once and I wasn't ready even for that, my mum always taught me to wait until I was older and it felt wrong... I was confused too. I think his confusion became too much and eventually he Rd me. It was unnecessarily violent, I was half his size, I couldn't put up much of a fight anyway. He left immediately afterwards and I only saw him once again afterwards, he never asked me not to say anything. He cried his eyes out and begged me to forgive him. I'll always be proud that I didn't give him the satisfaction of saying I did forgive him. I wasn't scared of him, I didn't feel like he could make me feel any worse.

I have lived with immense guilt that I had put myself in the vulnerable position of trusting him. I know it's stupid but for a long time I thought it was my fault. I still have that scary thought sometimes, "I could have avoided it. I should have known better." But I was 12. I immediately tried to cover it up. I thought my parents would be angry with me for even having an 18 year old friend. I still haven't told them, I think finding out now would kill them.

yeah Laminator, DP is the only partner I've ever trusted to tell too. Luckily I happened to be slightly tipsy and able to talk to him once. Otherwise I would probably have never told him, I choke on the words.

He's so supportive and willing to be so slow and careful with me. I just don't want to hurt him with the idea that he might be reminding me of what happened to me. I completely agree with what you say about him being the only man I've ever made love with. Most of the time we have a wonderfully intimate and gentle sex life. It's only when I'm already low or now, when trying for a baby (and suddenly having to have unprotected sex for the first time since..) that it's really affecting me.

I've never tried ADs or sleeping pills. I don't really want to either. I long to be happy but I don't think they would make me so. Perhaps stupidly I'm still convinced I want to be in control of my own emotions and to work through this on my own.

laminator, I wouldn't be on AD's if my DS was young or if having more. Beta blockers can be easily stopped which is good, diazepam too for a crisis but do have a danger for addiction.

Yoga, pilates and ballet are brilliant, great for breathing properly and connecting with your body, good for a relaxing sleep too.

Don'tknow, that sounds horrible, lavender or chamomile tea just before bed??? probably completely useless info :o

yes, while the kids are little (and maybe more later) I think im better dealing with the fucked up feelings i already know, rather than throwing some new ones into the mix, if that makes sence? Every health care proffesional look at me as if im nuts when i say we want more kids, as if its the worst thing I could do to myself and our family.
It might sound nuts, but my abuser has taken the possibilties of so many things from me, education, career, friendships, health... Im damned if hes going to dictate how many kids I have. Its not purley defience, we have room in our family for more :) I hope after our big move which will bring with it a much healthier outdoorsy lifestyle Im going to feel fit & strong enough, pysically & mentally to try again.
Thats after they`ll have to knock me out to remove my coil...Oh the PAIN!!!

I dont sleep great, but am retuctant to take Sleeping pills, for all the above reasons... If night i dont have a spliff i have hideous dreams. I am very relient on my lill green friend

Dotty, those are the ones I'm on. I am going to give them another try tonight but if it's the same scenario as last night then no more.
Plink, the gp did suggest those as well but she said before that to stop caffeine, I have about 20 black coffees a day, not to mention the red bull. It's the only way to keep myself awake, away from the nightmares.

Don't go cold turkey with caffiene believe me it will make you ill when I was on them it was every other night but I was happy with 2 nights a week x

Think I'm overcoming another obstacle workmen in the garden putting fence up and I was happy to work away out there but I don't know if its cause i'm in my comfort zone x

Are you ok dotty? Are you able to go inside and have a cuppa? I'm here if you fancy a chat x

Are you ok dotty? Are you able to go inside and have a cuppa? I'm here if you fancy a chat x

oh i'm fine couldn't have done that a few months ago when other fence blew over at new year I wouldn't go out there until it was fixed. xx

Glad you're ok x

Glad you're ok x

Way to go dotty x