Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Ok, second time in 2 days I've had nasty flashbacks. Had a chat in RL and realised why I'm finding it so traumatic which is a positive.

Plan of action is to contact women's aid, rape crisis, a mental health charity, an advocacy service and a project with a branch assessing the impact of childhood sexual abuse on society.

Sorry about ranting, I just feel really pathetic that I can't cope, now I've realised it's the ptsd and why, I can do something about it.

plink i am so sorry. i don't think you are pathetic at all, far from it. you are taking control. i really hope some of those people will help you. xx

Thanks Barking, when I'm in "flashback" everything I do seems like the most pathetic thing on the planet and I have scraped many projects because of this.

I'm internalising the abuse on myself and keeping my abusers hatred going, I know this but also can't see it. I need more help, and you are right, asking for my needs to be met when they never have been.

I just need to get more help to deal with this.

haircut was great, boys are so fussy though :o

plink i am just loving Barking if i wasn't so dim i'd namechange!

it so hard though isn't it. fuck it's hard. it feels all wrong beginning a sentence with 'i would like to or i really want to'

the flashbacks must be so frightening. i have nasty persistent memories, but no flashbacks. i think you are great for getting some help and hope they really do help you.

Thanks plink had a lovely night out I thought your name change was good, I have flashbacks but not of the abuse just where it happened for years I couldn't remember the first or second house but now its ingrained after so mamy visions of the rooms it happened in not nice at all.

Basking haha, I was thinking of the barking seals I've seen off the coast [bugrin].

Dotty glad you had a good night.

Working through the flashbacks is hard, I panic, get hysterical and very self critical. [busad] I have made progress even though I've come across completely mad, and RL isn't that bad, hysterical inner child.

On a lighter note, happy easter, I'm off to eat loads of chocolate, hope everyone has a good weekend.

Unfortunately I think last night made me realise I'll never find the real me my mask came back in company I'm to old to start over.

Was edge at one point after one of them had mentioned pulling her childs teacher up over never saying no to an adult one in particular knows a lot of what's going on and I saw her watching my reaction but I just came out with what I thought I really would of flipped given my history.

Read some of my book last night and apparently flashbacks comwe in all shapes and forms including pain I had this at the beginning.

Think I've upset DH as well let him become intimate last weekend but told him I had to force myself because he was a man and it wasn't fair on him ended up crying afterwards he doesn't want me to do that.

Asked him at the same time if he wanted me to leave again so he could find someone decent he told me not to be daft I said he deserves better than me.

Oh Dotty, x I don't know what to say. Do you want to talk it out? I'm listening.

I hope everyone is having a nice day. I definitely think DH is picking up on how tired I am because yesterday he said I was to have the whole of today "off" so I'm still in bed, drinking coffee and eating chocolate while DH plays with DS, takes him to the park and does some washing. I did wonder for a minute if he has actually read this thread - he knows I've started it but I haven't shown it to him. I don't know how I feel about it if he has.

How are you doing dotty?

Been sleeping never had much last night, I'm off tomorrow for 6 days on my own time to get my head together I hope, L the DC is going to call next week with an update as well so I hope its ok news. DD2 is coming over later to bring her laptop for me to take with me.

Really thought I was past this stage but its still so up and down quite scary for someone who has had to be strong and fight for so much for her son. Don't feel I have any fight left in me now.

How are you feeling about going away on your own? Are you looking forward to it?

Cailin, could he just have noticed how much your mothers visit tired you out and wants to spoil you a bit!

I'm sorry she is like that, you're very mature, sensible and supportive but I bet she doesn't see that.

Does he have an easter outing/activity planned and want you rested up. Oh they could be hiding eggs in the garden! [bugrin]

I already have my egg, and have started eating it

We have big exciting plans for Easter...that involve putting down skirting boards and painting the kitchen ceiling. Rock 'n' Roll

I do think my DH picks up on my "vibes" quite a bit and I'm sure he's noticed that I've been a bit subdued since my mother was here. Having my mother over has just confirmed to me that we did the right thing moving away from my family. Sometimes I wish for more support but while I can manage a couple of days with my mother, after that I just start to feel angry and pulled down. I feel so much lighter and happier being away from her. When I'm around her I start going through the whole pointless rigmarole of hoping she'll start behaving like a mother, I just can't help it.

Haha, I'm avoiding painting the bathroom but have fixed the toilet.

Definately would love to have a mum I could chat to, or do baking or shopping etc with but I don't think she sees me as human plus she took great delight telling me she'd replaced me [bugrin].

I hope one day you've healed enough to not let her affect you, iyswim.

I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point where it doesn't affect me at all. I think eventually it'll affect me less, but I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that I don't have a mother.

Just noticed this thread and its strange timing as I thought about something last night for the first time in ages no idea why. Nobody knows about it apart from OH who only knows a watered down version of events.

Ok so here goes I don't really know how to say it really but my brother sexually abused me as a child. He didn't rape me but forced me to give him hand jobs, he groped my boobs and other private parts it would be every time my parents left us in the house together or when we went camping (we stayed in different tent next door to parents)

Eventually it got too much and I hid a kitchen knife in my room, when my parents went out i waited for him to make his usual trip to my room and shaking with fear I held the knife right up to his chest and told him to never touch me again or I would stab him.

I don't know what I would have done if he had tried anything that night because at the time I said it I really meant it. Thank god ever after that he left me alone.

I was 9.

Hi mummylion, thanks for posting. So sorry that happened to you. I have to admit, I do admire the bravery and gumption of your nine year old self. How do you feel now about what happened? Do you still see your brother at all?

Hi YouBe, I'm sorry that happened to you, you sound very strong, unfortunately you had to be. Hugs.

Cailin, I miss not having a mum but don't class my mother as my mum now, difficult but she's realised she can't affect me anymore.

Cailin as far as I'm concerned my mother died the moment she said he was innocent.

Mummylion I'm so sorry it happened to you to, do you still have contact and does he have any children they could also be at risk.

I miss not having a mum. I can't really imagine how I must have felt as a child without a mother, it's bad enough now and I'm 42.

I'm always secretly hoping somebody will be my mum eg friends, colleagues, my counsellor and of course I'm always disappointed. But I can't seem to stop it even though I'm aware of it.

I find older women being nice to me really unsettling. I have one aunt who is really kind and friendly and the sort of mother I would like to have but I didn't keep our friendship going because I just couldn't handle it, she was too nice to me :(

CD, that's sad. In what way was your aunt too nice to you?

Just simple things like praising me for achievements, asking me about jobs, saying how good I was with her kids and how much they liked me. Normal stuff really, but praise and positivity, from women especially puts me on guard :(

Whoops, I'll stop praising people, I realised I hate it when people praise me, I just don't believe it and think there must be something wrong with people who don't automatically hate me or they're doing it as a joke to make me feel happy then wet themselves laughing about how gullible and naive I am for thinking anybody could like me.

Sorry if my praising people is weird.