Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Cailin - I think it's great that you are letting all your anger out - I feel better reading that and it is not even my anger! You're right, she is a cunt and a pathetic excuse for a mother and you should be so so proud that not only are you not following in her footsteps but you are being a wonderful mum to your DS. She sounds quite similar to my mum in some ways - very friendly, gregarious, everyone thinks she's great (and also a teacher), but my mum also has a really venemous side to her. For example, she used to go on to my father about how his mum died of cervical cancer because she was such a slut and screwed anyone who would have her, and so she deserved it

NHAN - that sounds so difficult with your MIL on top of everything else. The sooner you can get away from her the better.

MistsofAvalon - you DP sounds really like my DH - it is really hard . Do you think it is too much for him to cope with, or is he just not being very caring? With my DH it is the first, so I try to seek support elsewhere. But it can be really upsetting when you are in a very dark place and they don't even notice. Has your DP read books about the effects of abuse etc - maybe this would help him see why it isn't a case of just 'getting over it' and the legacy left will always be there.

I'm desperately trying to keep up with this thread!

Basking - so sorry to hear what you went through. xx

Cailin - at your DS. How lovely.

NHAN - The MIL situation sounds awful. Best thing I ever did was divorce my ex and thankfully he sees the kids rarely (MH problems). I don't take them to see his parents. They were outwardly respectable but inwardly his Father is the most toxic and controlling man I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

Thinking about other posts on here, I agree it can stir up emotions and bring back memories. It certainly has for me. And anger. Sometimes I have to just not read it or step away for a while.

Can't remember who said it but I also promote the "you can tell me anything" approach with my children. Especially my daughter.

As for trusting other people with my children, I've said this before so forgive me, I do find it hard to let my daughter have sleepovers but I do allow it. I fret though. One long and unexpected play-date at her friends house the other month ended up with her sleeping over (with my consent).

It was so lovely to see her the next day, but I had to do the light hearted questioning thing "so, where did you sleep?". "Oh, you topped and tiled with . I bet that was fun!". "Was there anyone else there?". Aaaaaarrrrgh. Perfectly innocent questions but my thoughts were "has anyone touched my child"!.

I won't have any children stay overnight here. But then again, I'm a single mum of 3 so I very much doubt anyone would expect me to

So sorry as well at the lack of support shown by DP/H's. I hinted VERY heavily to my ex-h what had happened to me in my childhood but he ignored it every time.

TAILED not tiled .

I previewed that post as well!

Another one here with toxic in laws. I've cut them out of my life as well as my parents. If I'd got to know my mil better before I got married to DH I seriously think I might not have married him. She is a truly vile toxic nasty piece of work.

Same here I tried to have a relationship with MIL despite DH not having one with hardly surprising though her answer to him being abused was to put him in care. After his stepfather died she just became wicked I forgave har time again until the time her her daughter and grandaughter nearly sent DD2 13 at the time into a nervous bteakdown and 2 pound off being anoerexic. I was exatic when she died last year funny it was independence day. FIL and SMIL on the other hand are amazing.

I know I will worry when my DS is older and he starts going to other children's houses. Like others who have mentioned it, I don't want to be paranoid and end up being over-protective and smothering but in then I think if I am overprotective isn't that better than him being abused? I also worry about what to say to him, so he knows that he can tell me if something happens. I want to get across to him that certain touching is wrong without scaring him and making him feel that adults are out to hurt him. Minefield. What, if anything, have any of you said to your children?

I agree I do the holding emotions in until they explode, am trying to now let them out, like a leaky dripping tap, much less explosive and I feel much calmer now.

Had a crap day, massive trigger, boss upset, not her fault, I just hate feeling so fecking incompetent, useless and so over sensitive.

I do the sleepover check thing and my DS is 16! I also insanely panic if he's late imagining he's been abducted or something, not healthy but so hard not to be fucking mental, humph. Don't like myself today.

What happened with your boss Plink?

Sorry xpost Cailin.

I always said we have an open home, no secrets, we can talk about anything, nobody is ever wrong to say what is bothering them and privacy is for the toilet.

As DS got older, privacy is for bathing, toilet, getting changed and nobody has a right to hurt you physically or mentally, this was around primary school age, boys fighting.

Secondry age, respecting his personal body space, respecting girls and thier body space. We are dealing with a friend of his who has been raped atm.

Today was the first day we were working with a guy, I thought I was ok but I'm so fecking not.

They are all lovely understanding and caring, it's hurt them as much as me that I'm struggling so much at the moment. I'm just so raw, I can't not work though! How the feck am I going to live!

Sorry just needed to rant, am off to cut DS's hair.

What's the problem with the new guy Plink?

nothing, atm I just cannot be around guys, any guy, I hate leaving the house because there's guys around, I found adjusting to my son becoming a man so difficult, I just find being around guys so difficult.

My work colleagues are great, my son is great, three of my neighbours aren't because they beat thier girlfriends, it's really uncomfortable and I can't move without a permanent job and refs for deposit.

I have no reason not to trust my colleagues, they are helping, they have experience of survivors

Ah I see. That must be really tough going. It's great though that your colleagues are understanding.

I was fine with him before I started therapy, with everything coming up I'm just feeling raw and vulnerable.

I can't spend my life avoiding blokes and I need to be strong enough to deal with blokes like my neighbours. I really can't trust them but can trust work. well except for one woman who I've been guaranteed I won't have to work with. Infact I think it's more to do with people more than blokes.

Sorry rant over thanks for listening Cailin, glad you're enjoying your wee one.

Cailin my girls know they where told at 13/14 my son will never know he won't understand and could do him serious damage.
All he knows is mum isn't well he has been surprisingly good

I'm on a rare night out tonight meeting up with some friends who have disabled children I've missed 2 or 3 nights out. Because I wasn't ready for it let's hope I cope alright with this only a meal out but nervous all the same staying over in the city so I can have a drink not meant to but a couple won't hurt and might get a good nights sleep out of it.

Enjoy your night Dotty.

Have name changed back, stoopid idea.

Hi, I've been reading through all your stories, you're all so brave. For now I'm happy to be a lurker. Maybe post something more when I know what to say.

Hi DepreGirl.

I did always say to my DS not to be scared to question something an adult does, even me, as they do get it wrong sometimes.

Am off now, sorry for being a headcase.

Hi depregirl. How are you doing?

Hello everyone

syncopated Thanks for that. I'm not sure what category DP is in. I think he cares, but he finds emotional stuff very difficult to process. Truthfully I think he sees it as a weakness. He comes from this family of very capable and 'strong' get-up-and-get-on-with-it-women and was raised in a household where you didn't put your emotions on the table. He's also very outgoing and sociable and goes out with friends if he feels low and returns feeling better.

I on the other hand am an emotional person before anything else. Am always over-thinking. HATE social gatherings. Am definately more of a don't want to get out of bed or face the world person, than a get up and get on with it person. And I occasionally find I feel low after a social gathering because I feel so acutely inferior to everyone else at times.

Sometimes I wonder if I sub-conciously chose someone who looked capable and would run my life for me. I'm not good at organising things. We do argue a lot though and I am wondering whether we should end things as I find it all very difficult - the self analysing and wondering what I did wrong or was it me etc.

Wanted to say I can relate to the compulsion to be overprotective. It's strange that we have such similar responses.

I had a serious talk with both my boys before they started nursery. I explained what parts of their bodies could be touched and which parts were no go areas. I told them not all adults were good, and they should never keep secrets for adults etc etc. I made sure they were very well toilet trained before they started as I didn't want them to have to ask anyone for help with their toilet. I really panicked about leaving them with strangers.

But I forced myself to let them go. One of the nursery teachers was a man I know that women abuse kids to and don't trust them either, but I absolutely freaked out and told my kids never to ask him for help with their zips or buttons if they wanted to use the loo

The teacher was fabulous as it happened and now I feel so sad that I immediately distrust men instead of trusting them. Sad for my kids too as they've had to put up with a neurotic mum. But in my world everyone thought my abuser was a wonderful man, but I knew what he was like, so I never trust the outward appearance.

hi guys, hope you all had a good day, and thanks for the welcome totu.
i've been thinking about anger. and sadness and tears. it is good to let it out. to say and feel this is NOT okay for me. i think part of the issue is that if your very basic needs are denied from a young age, and things happen to you that you have absolutely no control over, then it is easy to think that what you want and need isn't important or attainable. it is hard to break the habit of pleasing other people at the expense of yourself.

sorry if i'm not being coherent. what i am trying to say is love your anger.
listen to it. i said to cailin last night not to let it hurt her and i think i was wrong, i don't think it can. i think it is healing.

hello depregirl. hope you find your words

plink can i just say that i thought your namechange was great. and i am sorry about work, but feel that you are justified in feeling how you do.
how was the haircut?