Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Like the name change Plink!

See no matter how hard I try I cant fully agree others have been through MUCH worse maybe not as young but that doesn't matter. I was asked what if it had been my daughters and I said that's different for me its personal. When I was on a good spell 2 months ago I kept looking at nursery pictures of my girls especially the oldest who is the spit of me and thinking how could he part of me knows other doesn't he's just screwed my head up. But what you have to understand is that until 6 months ago I was oblivious to the psychological damage he had done to me and thought I was ok.

Why do you think what happened to others is worse - what makes it worse?

Because it was just one thing he did to me but over many years I know from speaking to people how much worse it could of been he never made me perform sex acts etc. I know for a fact he made my sister do things to him and did them to her. He was manilupitive/groomed me whatever you call it but he never once threatened me to keep silent so why the fuck did I never say anything my parents wouldn't of listened but I didn't know that and never tried.

I don't know why I didn't tell my parents either. I think I probably knew they wouldn't be interested. I think children pick up on that sort of thing.

I have hesitated and hesitated over joining this thread. I have read every single post. I was sexually abused as a young child, about 5/6 i think. He was not a relative, and over time I realised that i could just about avoid him if i ran fast enough. there was no violence, touching 'tickling' and kissing as i clearly remember the feel of his greasy moushtache on my skin. It was in no way as invasive as what many of you have been through.

i think i fall into the clean and fed neglected child category. my mother died a long time ago, and i find myself getting angrier and angrier with her, rather than making my peace. my father is possibly the weakest and most emtionally inadequate person i have ever met in my life. so no help there.

i have always found it very difficult to enjoy sex. to trust and let go. i can't let go. i am always acutely aware of the man's physical strength, that he could force me to do anything he wanted. it's always at the back of my mind. i wish i could claim back my own sexual feelings and right to enjoy my body.

i was a single mother. my dd has never met her bio father. he is a sort of small time con artist. absolute lowlife. my dh is an old friend who i got back in touch with when dd was about 3. we have 2 boys and dd.

i have never relied upon myself. not really. i looked to dh to rescue me. to look after me. not only did he completely fail to do this, he undermined what little self-esteem i had managed to gather.

so i had no choice. i had to dig deep, to get myself through the days. those moments of sheer shitness of small children.

i know one thing. It all comes from within. be still and listen to yourself. your heartbeat, and know that it is okay to be YOU. it is okay to want what you want and feel what you feel, and like what you like.

it's like a seed that only you can sow. other people can help it grow, or not, but it comes from you.

i have never really told anyone this. i vaguely asked my younger sister once as i was worried he might have done it to her too, but thankfully he hadn't. i am grateful to you all for giving me this space to talk and i feel like crying now.

i wish you all all the good and lovely things in life. you deserve them

Thank you for posting basking. How are you doing at the moment?

cailin i'm okay, but i'm not. i think i'm getting there but bloody hell.
how are you? How are you feeling?

Dotty, x

Hi BaskingSeals, I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, glad you felt able to post.

I'm very tired, have been for the last couple of weeks. I think that just comes from the mental effort of going over it all in my head and keeping everything going. I do feel at times I'd just like to stop and have a good big chunk of downtime to get my brain in order but I can't really do that with a toddler around! I know if I asked my DH he would help me to do it but he's tired and busy too so I would feel bad putting it on him.

I just had my mother visiting for a few days and that was hard going, not because she's hard work exactly but because talking about things here has made it harder for me to act like I'm ok with her.

plink i am sorry what happened to you too. and i love the name change. very eggy.

crying now.

for you basking. What's on your mind?

how it shouldn't and needn't have been the way it was.

what a fucking waste.

how precious children are. what a gift they are.

I hear you basking.

I want to sit my mother down and just ask her, why was that man's right to have sex with a child more important than my right to have a normal childhood, to grow up happy and innocent? Why does she think I have no right to feel bad about what happened, why don't my feelings count? How can she be so fucking utterly cold and useless and a massive CUNT.

No it shouldn't happen to any child their monsters who in my mind make me feel so small still bloody stupid woman I'm 41 and still feel responsible for it all.

Cailin unfortunately I'm not allowed to confront my mother.

cailing honestly i don't know. she most probably had a fucked up childhood herself. but hey guess what mum, so did i and i would never treat my dc the way she treated me. i don't know what makes some people so deluded and some not.

do you feel better for calling her a cunt?

she can't handle your feelings because they crack her carefully constructed pack of lies. know that she is not a happy woman. she's just really good at pretending.

I know confronting my mother wouldn't do one bit of good. In fact if I did confront her I think that would be the end of me, because I'd get the same old "You should just get over it, you're making me feel guilty" BULL FUCKING SHIT. Excuse the swearing etc but I am so incredibly angry at her at the moment. Seeing her around my DS the last couple of days has just made me boil with rage towards her. She makes out she is this fab granny and such a brilliant teacher who works so hard for her students. And I just want to smack her around the face and say "Where THE FUCK were you when your friend was raping me? Why the bloody FUCKING HELL did you do SWEET FUCK ALL when I told you'd I'd been abused? Some FUCKING mother you are you useless waste of air!!"

I don't like being so angry, but I have to get it out of my system it's toxic.

wouldn't do you any good anyway dotty. she'd just hurt you more with denials or a complete disregard about how you feel and how lot more about how she feels. honestly it's probably better you don't confront her.

nhan, they would believe you. please don't feel that because of the way the police acted that it means you will not be believed. i think people have a sixth sense for truth. i think those policemen knew exactly what the truth was.
and hugs to you too.

cailin get it out. it's totally justified. completely. you should be angry. she let you down.

just don't let it hurt you.

Cailin I'm wating for her to coming running begging for forgiveness if it gets to court police won't let me confront her in case she gets called but she also says I'm not strong enough yet to do it.

Basking I'm so sorry you went through it too my mother had a fabulous childhood goes on about it and yet we never had that she was a war child my grandparents sounded amazing people.

I honestly feel like I am a non-person to her. She is quite nice and friendly towards me but she has no maternal feelings for me whatsoever. That's the only explanation I can come up with. And I feel a fool for wanting her love so badly for so long. I wasted my teenage years trying to get some sort of response out of her. It was pointless, it was just never going to happen. Never. And yet I know deep down I still long for her to really step up and be my mum. And I don't know if that longing will ever go away. I wish it would, I wish I could be strong enough to just look after myself and my family. But then I think, don't I deserve a mother? Am I being ridiculous?

I understand that sounds ridiculous but I wanted and needed her these last 6 months and she wasn't there.