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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

996 replies

CailinDana · 27/03/2012 14:40

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 12:30

The thing that gets me about my mother is that she talks a good talk. I sometimes wonder if I'm like her - will I turn out to be just as shit a mother as she is? She is wonderful with my DS, so caring and capable with him, and when I was a child I only recall her getting cross a couple of times (although one time she did beat us with a wooden spoon). I did have respect for her when I was little and even as a teenager. She is a good, well respected teacher with a responsible position.

And yet, she has never tried to help me with the abuse. She would rather ignore it. I just can't understand it. On the surface she seems like a great person, and anyone spending time with the two of us would think we have a lovely relationship - we can chat for hours and we never fight. She doesn't criticise me, and often is quite positive, mostly about mundane things though (like my house). Am I expecting too much from her?

OP posts:
TOTU · 04/04/2012 13:22

Cailina - v quick post from me today as it's bedlam in my house but I wanted to say I don't think you're expecting too much from her, but you'll probably never get what you want.

That's my opinion based on the fact people just don't want to know, it's such a taboo. And they certainly don't want to feel partly responsible - e.g. when they have ignored the warning signs. And I'm sure you're not going to be a shit mother. I'm certainly not (although I have periods of self-doubt).

My sister pretends I never told her. She will even talk to me about what a fine man my brother is these days.

I've read the past page or so of this thread. So many food, body issues. Hardly surprising though is it? But at least we can talk about it and we're coming through it.

Gotta go now. It sounds like the roof of my house is about to come off!

Hugs to all.

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 14:19

Thanks for the reply TOTU. Sounds like there's a lot going on at your house!

I genuinely wonder what it's like to have a "normal" mother. I mean, my mother appears normal, and really, apart from the abuse my childhood was pretty good.

I suppose it's just hard to reconcile the coldness with the person who is supposed to love me the most. I let my father off the hook far too much too - I invited him to visit with my mother recently and he just didn't bother. He hardly sees me or his grandson as we live in England and they live in Ireland, he doesn't work or have any commitments and yet he didn't bother coming to see us. That's not great either, is it?

OP posts:
PlinkPasta · 04/04/2012 15:28

Nope Cailin, don't know if it'll help but I had the same problem with DS's grandparents, both sides, a womans aid worker pointed out that if they really cared they'd have made the effort to visit rather than the excuses for me to take DS to them.

I don't think you're expecting too much of your mum either. If I was in your shoes I'd be asking "yes you're good with your DGS but would you leave him with a peadophile? and would you ignore it?" might be a hysterical reaction but she's done it before???!!!

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 15:32

Plink, luckily she only sees DS a couple of times a year, when she visits us or we go to Ireland. She would never have the opportunity to leave him with anyone. She did suggest we leave him with her for a week when he was younger, while we decorated our new house. There is no way on earth I would do that, I don't trust her. I suppose that says it all really.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 04/04/2012 15:32

Same with me and my mum after dad died she asked if DD2 could start staying I told her you know I could never allow that her answer was I'll never let anything happen to her but it happened to me.

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 15:41

BTW I've never actually said to my mother why I wouldn't let her have DS for any length of time. I don't know if I will ever tell her.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 04/04/2012 15:45

Cailin she knows what he did but has her head buried in the sand I'm terrified they left my nieces with him as they used to have them quite regularly who's to say they never left them alone with the bastard.

PlinkPasta · 04/04/2012 16:13

I was so over protective of my DS as a baby and my family hated it, I got so much vile about it but I had no reason to trust them and a lot of reasons not to trust them.

Cailin, you are a good mum, you just sounded like you were having an unsure moment so I thought I'd say what I thought a sure you would say iyswim. Sorry if it's out of order, you know you don't trust her, I can see why.

Dotty, you are trying to get justice, for you and anyone else he might have hurt, you are very strong.

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 16:18

I hope to be a good mum. I think as I go on over the years I'll have to keep a check on myself and be aware of what I'm doing as I think I could easily slip into my mother's ways, because that's what I'm used to. Does that make sense?

I just find it so hard to understand how mothers could just a blind eye to their children being hurt so badly. It's just awful.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 04/04/2012 16:42

PP I'm not strong far from it I'm terrified of what I've done all the pain I've caused by dragging up the past. Frightened that I will mess it all up if it goes to court despite the reassurance of L the DC who says she'll be there as well. She says all I can do is what I've done from day one and that's be honest and genuine but it doesn't take the fear away the waiting has been tortuos.

I don't even know why I did it that day I just walked in to policestation and asked to speak to a female officer and she was just a young lass.

PlinkPasta · 04/04/2012 17:06

Can I just say that I think this thread is causing "anxiety" to some people, in a "that doesn't happen in the real world" way.

To any disbelievers, Child Sex Abuse happens, believe it.

To any survivors, keep strong, break the cycle.

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 17:08

What makes you say that Plink?

OP posts:
PlinkPasta · 04/04/2012 17:14

Cailin, yes that makes sense, I do all that I can to be a better parent, it's all anybody can do.

Dotty, that is why I think you're strong, you are stuck in the middle, I hope after it's all over you will see it. Sorry it is so bad, x

PlinkPasta · 04/04/2012 17:16

Sorry x post Cailin, I may just be being paranoid, I'll pm

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 17:37

Yes, do pm me, I'm curious!

OP posts:
PlinkPasta · 04/04/2012 18:04

Ok, I was reading a thread concerning DV and got triggered.

I witnessed DV of my mother, first verbal, then physical. The thread has polarising opinions on it, bit of a bun fight.

I don't think every case of DV leads to CSA, but I would hate to be the DC in that case even just witnessing the verbal.

It has really triggered me. The police in my case dropped the ball when my mother failed me and herself. SS should have been informed. Just glad now that police do inform SS, won't help that DC atm.

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 18:07

Ah I see. For what it's worth it always makes me squirm when I see posters being encouraged to stay with a shit partner, even if they're not "abusive" in the strict sense of the word. Knowing how much simple neglect (without violence) affected me as a child, my heart breaks to think of children watching parents fighting or seeing one parent being totally disrespected by the other. At least my parents were kind to each other, if not to their children.

OP posts:
PlinkPasta · 04/04/2012 18:10

Sorry, post about a thread, bad taste, just don't think I could post there without being hysterical and my past being used as an excuse to devalue my opinion.

I need to get stronger before reading stuff. I just saw so much violence as a kid that was made out to be nothing bad.

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 18:14

It's not bad taste Plink, please don't worry. There is no etiquette on this thread, apart from the requirement to be kind to other posters. Posting about what triggers you on other threads is completely relevant - this is the place to mention that kind of thing, especially when you feel you can't mention it on the original thread. I get what you mean about your past being used to devalue your opinion by the way. I sometimes have a particular reaction to posts due to my past but I never mention it because it would kill me to have people jump all over me and tell me to stop being hysterical. People would rather shut others who actually know what they're talking about up than to face the fact that some seriously bad shit happens within families.

OP posts:
PlinkPasta · 04/04/2012 18:32

That's true Cailin, thats what I was trying to say about disbelievers.

Abuse with or without violence is still abuse no matter how much people just can't get thier heads round it.

dottyspotty2 · 04/04/2012 19:07

Plink that's what I have real trouble accepting most of you if not all on this thread where abused with violence I wasn't he was nothing but nice to me yes he injured me but that's another thing I cant get my head round if he hurt me why didn't I realize it as a child I must of been so stupid to allow him to carry on.

dottyspotty2 · 04/04/2012 19:08

I say allow because I was the one who inadverently stopped him without realizing it was wrong to let him to do it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 04/04/2012 19:18

Dotty, it's natural to try blame yourself for what happened, but you weren't responsible, you really weren't. Abusers know how to keep their victims from telling anyone, they are very skilled at coaching the victim to keep it a secret and to make them feel that they have to hide it from others, either because it is "special" or "shameful." You were just a little girl who loved her brother and trusted him to be kind. You had no earthly reason to think that he was out to hurt you, why would that even occur to you?

I know how hard it is to shake that feeling that you should have done something to stop it. I hope with time you can convince yourself that it really really wasn't your fault. He was responsible for what happened, not you.

OP posts:
HopPlinkeggdlyEggsasta · 04/04/2012 20:59

easter name change, Plink here, hands easter eggs and chocolate bunnies to everyone.

Dotty, you were in no way responsible, at all, he was manipulative and abusive in one of the most disgusting ways possible. What you've said about him shows that. I can see where you are coming from but to me what you describe IS violent. I don't mean to upset you, it just hurts to see how it has affected you and I hope you see it soon too. Sorry if that doesn't make sense.