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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 10:26

Liver in his twisted mind he probably did think you were enjoying it.

You did what he told you to do because that's what children do.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 10:29

Its like I'm a person split in 2 still the adult knows but the child doesn't I look at nursery photos of my kids on the wall and think how could he eldest is my double to make matters even worse. More of the adult is there now wasn't 6 months ago.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 10:35

I know that feeling well dotty. If I talk out loud about the abuse I sometimes morph into a child. It's very scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 10:36

I'm heading out for while, but please keep posting everyone.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 10:36

liver, paedophiles really do believe that the children they abuse like what they do for it's own sake, rather than it's something you did to please them or because you feared their implicit threats about how your life would change if you didn't comply

like dione said upthread, they also use "biology" ...every body's natural response to sexual stimulation to create shame, and thus strengthen the "secret" between you

that is their mental illness, and there is no cure for that

it's why it is a widely-held belief that paedophiles can never be "cured" or rehabilitated because of their deeply-held belief that they deserve to use children in a sexual ay, and that they are doing them a "favour" in educating them in the ways of the world

liverLadyLass · 20/03/2012 10:38

it's uncanny, I do the same, I feel like a little girl again..

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 10:40

AF I don't believe its a mental illness but that their pure out and out evil but everyone has their own take on it.

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 10:41

Been told its your inner child I've learnt so nuch over the last few months.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 10:42

dotty, I totally take your point

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 10:46

AF they reckon its about power, inclined to agree he is so far up his own arse its unreal he was bragging to the police about his achievements and how he'd built the computer from scratch that they took away, she wasn't impressed with him whatsoever.

liverLadyLass · 20/03/2012 10:52

power I think was what he had over me, if I needed school shoes, somehow he'd make that into an earning thing for me, he'd persuaded my mum I didn't need them, even tho I had hardly any heal on one,, I wore the same pair of socks all week for school as he'd again persuaded my mum I only needed them,

PlinkPasta · 20/03/2012 10:54

I wish I could find words to support you all and to relate my own story but just hear in my head how pathetic and useless my abusers thought I was.

I am in therapy and slowly believing I have a right to speak without repercussions.

liverLadyLass · 20/03/2012 10:56

thanks any,
missed your post b4
that makes sense to me,

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 10:58

Liver sounds like he targeted your mother and had power over her to xx

liverLadyLass · 20/03/2012 11:01

it's been two months since my DH and I have made love, he's frustrated and I feel terrible, really guilty,
sometimes the smell of my dh reminds me of him, but I couldn't tell him that,
I try in other ways like hinting for him to shower,, he takes it personally like I'm saying he is mingin,, I just remember that smell, and it triggers,, and I instantly say no,,

PlinkPasta · 20/03/2012 11:07

My first attack was not nice, I was terrified he was going to beat me and I had no where to run.

Can't write it.

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 11:09

See that's why I think mine wasn't as bad because he was nice to me spoiled me I adored him but it was grooming when alls said and done.

liverLadyLass · 20/03/2012 11:10

my mum was always exhausted from working night shifts,, I don't know if it was like that with her?
never thought of it

PlinkPasta · 20/03/2012 11:15

I had a relationship along time ago, had my wonderful DC. It wasn't a good relationship and I've been single since.

jasminerice · 20/03/2012 11:16

I am split in 2 as well. Sometimes I'm crying and inside my head I'm saying "I want my mummy" and I know that's the child inside me crying. But my mother never heard me or saw me. Maybe that's why I still hear that voice in my head, at the age of 42, she's desperate for her mother to hear her and be there for her.

boglach · 20/03/2012 11:17

I would say a lot of them are psychopaths?

I worry constantly that I am abusing my children and I am not sure why. I am exhausted by it and I just want to move on and enjoy my beautiful family

Why do I feel like that? I don't beat them or say nasty things. I lose it occasionally but I always apologise and say it wasn't their fault. I tell them I love them everyday and hug them

liverLadyLass · 20/03/2012 11:18

plink, he never hit me until I was a 15 earlier I wouldnt do something for him, he went out and when he returned because I was on the phone to my cousin he punch me and gave me a black eye, I seen him panic, I left home, my mum believed him that I'd punched myself and bruised myself to cause problems, I hated her for that,, it was my 16 the week after, she asked me to meet up with her, I did, she tried to give me money and made out like it was a birthday gift, she started to well up. I left,,
she kept trying that night to get me to come home, lying that he wasn't there, finally shed said he was, after knowing he'd raised his fist she still wanted to put me in that position? just did not believe me or protect me?

liverLadyLass · 20/03/2012 11:20

bog, I do the exact thing,,
sorry I wish I knew too,,

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 11:22

Boglach how old are your children and have you had counselling?

PlinkPasta · 20/03/2012 11:23

Dotty, it is just as bad.

My first abuser terrified me, his "friend" took me under his wing and groomed me.

I feel like my first abuser prepared me for the second, bad guy, good guy type of thing.

Realising the second guy abused me is a lot harder than the first. I thought he was wonderful. Now I'm so angry, I was just a kid ffs. As you all were, just kids, the adults here were so wrong.