Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

dotty
i feel like I got off lightly, when I compare my story to yours, you were a baby, my dd is three, and how little and fragile she is, makes my eyes well up for you..

My first 'relationship' at 16 was with a 43 year old man he regularly raped me but I accepted that when I look back I never knew any better.

Am feeling really crap, angry and slightly crazy, so off out for a bit.

I was working but had a breakdown, now in therapy, building up my coping techniques and now applying for jobs again.

we accept things, because we feel that we don't deserve anything better?
my therapist told me,
I've to go know, x

Boglach, I identify with that on such a deep level, I worry that I am abusing my daughter, because I have no frame of reference for what is healthy

I know I don't shout at her, physically touch her inappropriately, I have no feelings I should not have towards her, I love her so much, I know in my brain this is what it is suppose to be like, she is happy, secure, so bright, so the opposite of me when I was her age till now.

I know I am a good mother who loves her child but cannot help but wonder was there a time when my mother thought the same? Was it me? Was I awful? Am I awful?

Did the man who raped me, who slept with my mother and joined my family ever do this before me? Was it me? Do I make people feel full of hatred? Am I blind to something?

This is why I fear, perhaps I am the problem, the common factor that made my mother reject and abuse me, that caused a man to abuse me, this person that crumbled into pieces and destroyed herself for so many years... Perhaps I am delude to think I deserve the happiness I feel now with my child.

It's all doubts and self loathing an all caused by whatever description you want to give someone who abuses and wrecks lives.

I don't want to hijack but I want to say that I believe you all and it was never never your fault.

My mum was abused by her BIL from the age of 9 to 17. It only stopped when she stood up to him and pointed out how "proud" his darling mother must be of him (he was a real mummy's boy). My mum was sent to live with him (and her sister) because her sister couldn't look after the children. My mum feels she was "sacrificed" to help her sister's younger children. She kept looking after them, going back to that house because someone had to look after the babies.

When she told her parents they didn't do anything. I don't know if they believed her or not but I find it very difficult to reconcile the grandparents I adored with people who would turn their backs on their own child's suffering.

When my mum told her sister and nephews about 30 years later when her BIL died, they all called her a liar. The babies she loved and cherished believed their abusive parents over the aunty who spoiled them/cared for them. That broke my mums heart.

My relationship with my mum is very very strained. She is an alcoholic, I had to grow up very fast to learn how to cope with her. She has attempted suicide many times. She mentally abused me for years (and still does) but I go back to her every time. I can't turn my back on her no matter what she does because everyone else did and that's why she is the way she is. My cousins got the mum I should have had and weren't there for her when she needed them.

My point is, to those of you struggling to cope with what happened to you, Do Not Let The Abuser Win. You all have someone who loves you, who cares what happened to you and would do anything to help you, whether that is a partner, a friend, a child or a doctor.

They are 6 and 3

yes two lots of counselling which did help but maybe I need more

will we ever find peace? why should these bastards affect our whole lives?

I've been told I'll never be able to bury it now that I've opened up but I hope I'll learn to live with it and the memories might fade hopefully I'll get some justice never get full justice, just wish everyone of us could its not fair.

There are other forms of counselling I've been told mines to complicated and I'm not ready for them. CBT and EMDR (I think).

Liver, I'm so sorry you went through it too, it is all as bad, it's child abuse.

Sorry not being coherent now.

boglash and antsypants, I was so scared that I might be abusing my DC that I went to social services and asked them to protect my DC from me. I hadn't abused them, SS were supportive and understanding. I have had proffessionals saying I'm a great mum but it is so hard to believe.

Crap, Crap, shitty crap,

Magneto, thankyou, I'm sorry you have to go through the after effects of this too.

Hello everyone -

This is a thread which has made me think a lot. I PMed the OP when it first started (I saw it in 'active' by chance) but have namechanged since then for reasons which may become clear - she actually suggested I post but I have thought about it a lot before doing so.

I meet a lot of survivors through work - I'm not a counsellor or psychiatrist or anything like that; I'm someone whose job often gets a lot of grief on MN. I'm a ghost writer and I have written many books for survivors in which they tell their stories. I know that many people disapprove of 'these' books, but I didn't start writing them lightly. I feel, passionately, that every survivor has a right to be heard and that by denigrating 'these' books, they are just being told to keep quiet - again. Don't tell, don't upset anyone, don't rock the boat, no one will believe you, everyone will think it's your fault - survivors have heard this all their lives, and if they want to tell their story, that can be incredibly empowering although terrifying too and no one has a right to tell them to shut up yet again.

Most of these books have to be published anonymously, but sometimes my email address is printed so that people can contact me if they need to talk about what they've read. I can't count how many messages I get. There is an epidemic of child abuse out there. The books can be triggers, I realise that, but they can also finally make survivors see that this happens so much. One of the most important things - and I think it is relevant to this thread - is that readers can have enormous amounts of sympathy for the author of the book, but very little for themselves. Reading about someone else's story can often be a breakthrough - I've lost count of the number of people who have been in touch with me who wouldn't treat a dog the way they treat themselves.

It is never the child's fault.

I hear every excuse under the sun because survivors are often keen to blame themselves but I always say this - if it wasn't his fault, if he was under pressure, or stressed, or too drunk, or too challenged, or too depressed, or too sad, or a hundred other excuses for doing what he did to you, why did he hide it; why didn't he just do it in front of someone if he had no control?

Abusers know what they are doing. They are clever, they are manipulative, and the choose to abuse.

You had no choice. It was never your fault.

I wish you all the best and hope you don't see this post as offensive in any way - if anyone does, please let me know and I'll get it removed.

No don't be daft I received a PM off someone with a similar job when I first posted a few months back and did not take any offence.

plink don't be sorry for me at all! This isn't my thread, I think I could probably have worded my post better, sorry about that. What I have put up with is absolutely nothing compared to all of you. You are all very brave.

Dana, I just wanted to say that my initial reaction was not to not care, or act like it is a disease, but to worry that I might ask s/thing that would hurt you.

I mean, child sex abuse is the most profoundly worse, by absolute far, violation of a person's boundaries - made so much worse by the complete powerlessness of that little person: in terms of physical presence, maturity, options, financial. It is terrible.

I do think people who intentionally use a child should be put to death. Violating a boundary on something so profoundly wrong, that no amount of justification can cover that it is WRONG, the people doing it KNOW it is WRONG, to ignore/not care about the tears and screaming - well, it's psychopath territory.

Wow, some amazing stories here and you have given me the courage to write.

I am not sure that I am going to be able to write more than this initial post, but you have given me the strength, just this once, get this down on paper.

I was abused by older boys when I was in a children?s home for about 6 months when I was 6 years old.
They used to persuade me to go into the ?den?. Actually, I don?t think that I needed that much persuasion as I kind of welcomed their attention IYSWIM.
This was back in the 70?s and children?s homes were much bigger with a wider age range ? I think my sister and I were the youngest there and the oldest was about 14.

I think I struggle with this because the 13-14 year olds were children too. I can?t blame them, can I?

I remember aged about 12 having the courage to call a radio phone in which was about sexual abuse and the presenter told me that it was not sexual abuse, but more the boys exploring their sexual identity. That it was natural and I should forget it.

I was also ?abused? by an aunt from about the age of 8 ? 12 she was 9 years older than me and used to get me to masturbate her. I have since heard that she in turn was abused by my grandmother. Neither of them is alive anymore, so I am never going to get any answers and I have never told anyone else about this.

Thanks for listening.

At 12 they know its abusing so whoever told you othersise is wrong they where 8 years older than you it was abuse and yes you can blame them.

So, for instance I worry that a question would be: did you have tears running down, did you cry, did you scream, or freeze? Were you physically hurt? ...

well, that is attempting to understand what it must have been like, or what cues of humanity did 'he' ignore, but it could come across as judgemental or prurient.

It's hard. What would a person wanting to talk and be seen as a person still, like to get? Just straight, concentrated listening, acceptance and reassurance but no difficult questions? That would be my instinct.

Dotty - thank you for validating what happened. The three boys involved at the children's home were definately 13 -14, I know this because one of them was my cousin
My family is really screwed up, clearly with an interwoven thread of sexual abuse.
I have vague memories of other incidents from when I was really young, but nothing concrete and to be honest, I don't want to delve too far into these memories.

My husband was sexually abused as a child. It messed him up big time, and has had to have lots and lots of counselling. It stopped when he was about 12. It still haunts him till this day.

anewmotivatedme. So sorry to hear about your husband. I can relate to the "still haunts" thing.

I don't know what else to say but I wanted to acknowledge your post.

Battersea, so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Have you got/had professional support/therapy?

After almost 20 years together my husband told me that he had been horrifically sexually abused and tortured by 2 teachers at school. I had no idea. He told me in November, I was the first person he had ever told. He had managed to hold it in for so long, but financial stress, martial probs and our eldest son reaching the same age made him struggle. For months I new something was up but couldn't get to the bottom of it. He has started seeing a specialist councillor but it has made life very difficult for him. The nightmares and flashbacks are so strong, that sometimes he just wishes he could shove it all back into a box in his mind. I am trying my best to be there, but it is so hard. I want to understand and sometimes feel so hopeless.
Apologies if this is the wrong place to post

this is the right place to post, Guinea, I am so sorry your H had to experience that

PinkPasta I hope you're ok. Do post again later if you're up to it.

Battersea I would definitely class what those boys and your aunt did to you as abuse. The fact that they were young does make it more complicated, in the sense that one could argue that they didn't truly understand what they were doing, but that doesn't negate the fact that they abused you and it doesn't make your pain any less real. I can't believe that presenter told you it wasn't abuse! What an absolute shit he was to say something like that to a young girl

Glad you posted bestbe, well said.

It is so sad to hear about your mother Magneto and the fact that her abuse affected her life so badly. You have done an amazingly kind thing by standing by her, but I hope you're looking out for your own happiness too. I suspect my mother was abused as a child and that's partly why she is so emotionless, but I can't manage to forgive her for that, and I have had to distance myself from her as she has hurt me so badly. My life has improved beyond recognition since I reduced contact with her.

I understand what you mean abitwobbly. I think the thing is that your words can't really hurt any more than the abuse itself or than the feeling of isolation that a lot of victims feel. Sometimes showing the tiniest bit of concern or interest can be a lifeline for someone who hasn't be able to talk about these things for their entire life.

I think the key is to ask questions that encourages the person to talk - "What happened next?" "Do you want to tell me what he did to you?" That sort of thing. Sometimes just silence and some space for the person to say whatever comes into their head can be enough. The main thing is not to cut the conversation off or to make the person feel like you don't want to hear what they have to say.

In answer to your questions - I didn't cry or scream as far as I can remember. The first time I objected and he made me feel stupid, which at the time was the perfect way to shut me up. Later on I just put up with it and stayed silent so he wouldn't hurt me.