Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Morning

I have read all your posts. I am thinking of you, this has been a revelation this thread.

will post later

take care, boglach

it all started after mum mum married him, before that we used to play together, he was really nice to me, he'd play games like he was wanting to be my dad, my mum never played with me, I was left to get on with it,, he showed me attention,,, spent time with me, stuck up for me, gave me cuddles,,he made my mum happy,, I felt I finally had a dad, a normal family,,,
I was wrong,, I trusted him,,,
the first time I remember like it was yesterday,,
when my mum was in the bath, I'd walk in and go to the toilet, and didn't think anything of it,
he was in the bath and I needed the toilet,
I went in as I did with my mum,
he layer down deliberately so I could see everything and called me over,
he'd asked me did I know what it was,
I obviously didn't,,
he took my hand and put my hand on his penis,
keeping a hold of my hand on his penis he began to wank himself,,
I tried pulling away a few times but he kept telling me not to,
he'd finished, I had his sperm all over my hand but then didn't know what it was,
I remember feeling sick,
I remember looking at him and knowing it wasn't right,
I said ‘good girl'
no that's just our little secret if you tell your mum shell get really angry with you, my mum was nice but if you crossed her, you'd run from her,,,
I remember feeling numb,‘like a what the hell happened'
I was seven.
that's the first time I have told it in full,
it went on from there,
and did till I was a teenager.

Morning boglach. Hope your day is going well.

Thank you for posting liver. Did anyone find out at the time, or have you told anyone else since?

sorry HE said GOOD GIRL

I am so sorry, LLL, what a terrible breach of trust

So sorry liver the way he went about it is so common unfortunately building up a trust with the Victim x

Sorry I just saw at the end of your post that this is the first time you've told it in full. I'm glad you felt you could do that.

Personally speaking I think its worse for a lot of you ladies as you remember so much I don't remember much of what actually happened.

I've only ever told my DH,
that abuse took place but never any details,
I feel he would murder him,
he still lives in my mothers house,
she's past away.

My memory is very patchy. I remember some things very very clearly and others are just very vague. Over time more and more memories have come back to me. It's been very hard to deal with new memories at the time but overall I've felt like it's better to remember and deal with it rather than let it remain buried.

Do you see him at all nowadays liver?

I didn't open up about it in depth like that to my therapist,
I kind of made out it wasn't as bad as it seemed, I don't know why I did that?
I had the chance and I didn't but wanted to,
I learnt what sex was by my abuser, I hated it, I never asked for it, he told me I started it, it was me who came onto him, that if anyone found out ie my mum she would hate me and send me away..

I definitely think it's easier to type these things than to speak them out loud. I can't really talk about what happened to me in detail but typing it is much easier. Perhaps that's why you felt you could say it here but not to your counsellor.

All that shit he told you wasn't true. You didn't start it, you didn't come onto him, it was him. You were in no way to blame for what he did to you.

My memories are slowy coming back Cailin but I have so much fear as one of the main ones came back during intimancy with DH (pain) he doesn't deserve this.

That has happened to me too dotty. It's awful, I feel like I'm making out DH is trying to hurt me when that's the last thing he would ever do.

The abuse I suffered was very specific so that makes it easier in a way because DH and I just don't do those things. It stops me from being triggered.

I saw him in November at a family funeral, my cousin had been killed in afghan,
I had no choice but to go,
I didn't think he'd be there, but he was going to be there, I found out he was going to be there when I reached the hotel, ( I moved away)
I was so scared, so nervous, I felt I was a little again, my DH said to me, he'll never hurt you again, I'm here to protect you,
I knew that and it was somewhat comforting but just seeing him again scared me to the point I shook inside,
I was angry with myself also,
I was scared if people asked me why I wasn't speaking to him etc,,
what would I say?
he sat with all of my family like nothing was wrong,, like I was the outcast,,

thank you Dana,

:( liver. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had to face my abusers again. Luckily it isn't an issue for me.

My first memory of it was going to his room aged 4 climbing into his bed it was a camnpbed as he was in RAF and him asking if I wanted to go on top or bottom matter of fact like. It must of been going on for so long for me to accept it as normal way of life feel so stupid about it. Now realise why certain 'positions' with DH made me uncomfortable.

Why do you feel stupid about it dotty?

Because I accepted it without question why would anyone especially a child accept someone hurting them like that.

Because you trusted him and you didn't realise that it wasn't right. How could such a young child know that someone they trusted was doing something wrong?

I don't understand why I done what he told me to do,
he learnt me how to perform sexual pleasures, and he even asked me sometimes what we should do, like he thought I was fucking enjoying it?

Teaching young children was a real eye-opener for me. Children of that age really see adults as gods who know everything. They just accepted everything I said and I wasn't even their parent. They honestly believed I knew everything.