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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 07:33

Morning all. Hope the night was ok.

Swearing is definitely allowed. If you heard me in real life, you would know I have no objection whatsoever to swearing Blush

Hi PinkPlasta, feel free to come back and post whenever you like.

Redwine thank you for posting. You don't need to minimise or justify your experience. This thread is for everyone, no matter what happened.

I understand the shame about enjoying what happened. A lot of what happened to me at first was quite gentle and loving in a way and I definitely did enjoy it. I'm human, and my body responded.

Have you told anyone IRL about what happened?

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 07:35

My abuser offered to bathe me when I was about 6. I objected, thinking it was weird (even at that age I had some inkling something was wrong) and my mother told me not to be a pain and to just let him bathe me. So my own mother made me go with my abuser, and that's when the whole thing started, because he knew then how shit my mother was and that I was an easy target.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 07:43

Its 'funny' cause I get silly triggers and flashbacks went into panic mode in the supermarket about a month ago over movie merchandise. Abuse can be anything from touching to full rape redwine its all wrong, I have the figures of how prevelant it is and definitions off the terms off crisis centre and police.

TOTU · 20/03/2012 08:25

Morning all. It's nice to know I can swear, but I won't (for now). Wink

I agree that any type of abuse is just that, abuse. No need for justifications.

antsypants · 20/03/2012 08:28

I've spoken before about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, I find myself triggered by other peoples anger about abuse, I find myself triggered when thinking about my feelings for my daughter, I thought I was in a good place until recently, but lately those feelings of anger, those old behaviours have started rearing their head, and that child who is battered and shoved down into the recesses is trying to escape.

Is it wrong that I feel cheated of healthy normality still at the age of 36? And is it wrong that I know intellectually that I should now create this for myself as I am the adult, I am the mother, yet despite this I want to be a child, and want to be mothered.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 08:30

Oh antsy, your post really struck a chord with me. I can talk about the abuse fairly easily these days, but the pain I feel at never being really looked after or cared for by anyone is a big raw open wound.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 08:33

And no it's not wrong that you feel cheated. I also feel cheated. I have no family now. I have a bunch of people who have the same name as me that are fairly pleasant to talk to. But I've never had parents. I've had people who fed and clothed me but they never gave me an ounce of love or affection, never encouraged me or looked out for me.

When I was pregnant with DS I realised something very weird. I think of my younger sister as my child. I kept thinking of DS as my second baby. I am seven years older than my sister and while I didn't provide for her, I was the only one who comforted her and cuddled her, looked after her when she was sick etc. I was her mother, in the way that really counted.

OP posts:
DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 20/03/2012 08:38

Morning everyone. Well I had another crap night, already on coffee number 4!
You were all so so young when the abuse started, how can anyone take the innocence of a child away?! Makes me so mad. I sort of feel I don't 'fit in' here as I was 16 when it started so in theory I could have stopped it.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 20/03/2012 08:38

Morning everyone. Well I had another crap night, already on coffee number 4!
You were all so so young when the abuse started, how can anyone take the innocence of a child away?! Makes me so mad. I sort of feel I don't 'fit in' here as I was 16 when it started so in theory I could have stopped it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 08:41

Please don't feel like you shouldn't be here DontKnow. The only condition of being here is that you want to talk.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 08:43

Cailin you sound like my sister when I have been really low these last few months she told me I was her baby now I'm 41 she's 49 other sisters 50 but she told me I went everywhere with her as a child I remember very little from those years my sisters have also said if they had known they would of taken me away from my parents and they would of had to fight to get me back their the only family I have apart from DH and my kids we do have his dad and step mum who I adore but its not the same.

antsypants · 20/03/2012 08:43

Hi don't know

Firstly, I disagree that you were able to stop this, 16 is still a child, and you can have your power taken away from you at any age.

People who have never been abused understand it to be the actions of an adult against a child, but we who have been abused understand it to be an attack, someone removes your right to peace an security, manipulates the people around you, forces you to see the real faces of the people in your life at times, it is a psychic attack, a physical attack and an attack on the world around you.

And you are no better equipped to deal with that at 16 as you are half of that age.

So feel anger, rage, frustration but not at yourself Sad

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 08:48

Also feel my kids lives where ruined by them being born I feel I was a crap mother even DD2 who won't agree with me says I am such a nicer person now and they had a great childhood going places etc they have lots of good memories but its not the same as having a mother who is together in her head is it. I was also lucky to have them as a consequence of what happened I had many womens health problems.

antsypants · 20/03/2012 08:50

Hi calina

I have younger siblings, but rather than having a relationship with them I was very much portrayed as the outsider and interloper, so never really felt that nurturing part of life, I didn't even think I was capable of having those feelings... I got pregnant in my early twenties an had a termination and my main motivating factor was because I thought I would turn into a child abuser

It makes me so angry that essentially I was forced into this because of experiences I should never have had to deal with, I struggle now with trusting my feelings towards my daughter are healthy and normal, I micro analysis every nuance.

This is the effect of abuse that people don't see.

I am not the small beaten girl on the advert, I am a functioning being who shops, eats, parents, works, has sex, smiles, shops and does everything everyone else does, but the difference is where it just come to you second nature to do it, I have to fight against those inner voices telling me I am worthless and dirty and shouldn't exist.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 09:00

Dotty, hand on heart, I honestly feel that all a child really needs is to know they're really loved. My sister had a pretty shit childhood, I could see that from my objective point of view, but she reckons it was great because I looked after her. She had love in her life and there's nothing more important than that. Do you feel like you showed your children love?

I analyse everything with my DS too. I worry about being abuser all the time. I know that worry will never go away. And I wish I didn't have it.

Your last point is the reason I started this thread antsy. People who have been abused just lead normal lives, they're not cowering in a corner somewhere. I wanted to give us all a chance to get it all out of our heads.

OP posts:
Jokat · 20/03/2012 09:06

Good morning, just read this thread and felt compelled to comment. Thankfully I never experienced sexual abuse. I believe you all, and of course none of you are to blame for any of it, no matter how willing or forced you were. I have two little girls and will do everything in my power to keep them safe. Can I just say, boglach has only got one response to her last post so far, could any of you lovely ladies reply to her some more? I think she could do with it x

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 09:09

I have always shown them love in a way was ott with it always hugging the girls DS wouldn't allow it never going to bed on an argument still tell them how much I love them. But I wasn't together in my head I can see that now couldn't then I'm trying to find out who the real me is instead of the happy, cheerful person people saw,it was just a mask a friend stopped me several times and asked what was wrong told her 2 weeks ago she said she could tell something was really wrong just by looking at me.

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 09:09

I have always shown them love in a way was ott with it always hugging the girls DS wouldn't allow it never going to bed on an argument still tell them how much I love them. But I wasn't together in my head I can see that now couldn't then I'm trying to find out who the real me is instead of the happy, cheerful person people saw,it was just a mask a friend stopped me several times and asked what was wrong told her 2 weeks ago she said she could tell something was really wrong just by looking at me.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 09:15

When you say you weren't together in the head, what do you mean?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 09:20

I can see the MH problems I've had all my life due to trying to live a 'normal' life being angry at myself,wanting to run away (still do) and worst of all wishing I wasn't here anymore (came close in November and several times since)

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 09:23

The thing is, in spite of all that, you showed your children every day that they were loved. You succeeded in doing that against massive odds.

I've been suicidal before. I know that hell.

OP posts:
antsypants · 20/03/2012 09:26

Hi dotty

I don't know about you, but I always saw mh problems as something organic, but never really considered my 'episodes' to be included, my feelings if worthlessness that piled up to self harm and thoughts and one almost successful attempt at ending my life... Well I never really saw it as a mh issue, just like the inappropriate boundaries and behaviour.

How do you cope now? Do you feel that you are heard?

I'm to scared to examine that part of me, my daughter is a toddler, I can't lose her...

AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 09:41

boglach if you are still there, are you ok

you disclosed something yesterday you said you had never really acknowledged deeply to yourself before...how are you feeling ?

AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 09:43

morning to everyone else, and I am very sorry you had to find yourself here x

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 09:46

Antsy my gp tried to tell me years ago I was depressed she even changed the scores on my sheet as she knew I hadn't been truthful but HRT sorted a lot of it out. I'm on AD's now and have been told at least another year of them told her I felt a failure and she ripped a strip off me said I wouldn't say that about thyroxine or insulin and she's right. I had severe PND when eldest was born she'll be 21 in June nightmares about her being abused extremely common I've been told never took the AD's for more than 2 weeks as they made me worse now know that's normal but I was young and scared didn't tell anyone how bad it was for fear of losing her. You won't lose your child because of this I wish I'd done it years ago but have been told that personally I wasn't ready counseller reckons I wouldn't be here today if I'd done it years ago if you feel the need get professional help it is worth it. X

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