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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 23:50

I don't judge you, TOTU

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 23:51

I didn't tell anyone at the time. As an adult I told an ex, who listened and was sympathetic, then went on to rape me. I told my DH, who was very very supportive and still is. I have only told him the bare facts as I can't bring myself to tell him the detail. I told my mother I was abused, she shut me down and told me to get over it. I tried to talk to her again a few years later and again she shut me down and told me I was trying to make her feel guilty. A couple of friends know the vague gist of it but no detail.

I've also talked a lot to the wonderful and amazing AF who has been fantastic :)

OP posts:
ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 23:52

Thank you all of you for the kind words I genuinely can't believe how nice you have all been.

And a few of you have commented on my name I hadn't really connected it to this before

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 23:55

I understand why you're suspicious TOTU. My DS is only 15 months so I haven't come up against the sleeping over/friends issue but I know as he gets older it will definitely play on my mind and it will be even more difficult for me if I ever have a girl.

Things is, I know that my abuse is partly down to the fact that I had utterly shit parents who just did not notice at all that anything was wrong. I think if you are a truly loving, vigilant parent then you will reduce the chance of anything happening by a lot, and even if something does happen you will increase the chance that your child will tell you promptly and it will end and they can heal as best they can.

Much of my pain comes from the fact that I have been so badly let down by my "parents".

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 23:55

well, Toria, I am not a fucker, so a name is just a name Smile

AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 23:56

Cailin, you are fantastic too, see what you have facilitated in just a few hours ?

ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 23:58

Cailin that really is sad that you have been through so much Sad

Yes anyfucker is lovely Smile

Totu I am the same with my son hes only 6 but he doesn't get to go into friends houses or anything and has never stayed anywhere overnight I hate that I don't trust anybody

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 00:00

Far better that you care and are overprotective than that you don't care. I would far rather have had parents who locked me in a tower than parents who didn't give one tiny shit about what happened to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 00:01

Thanks AF :)

OP posts:
oikopolis · 20/03/2012 00:02

Agree with Cailin and AF about the blame/shame aspects. i had a strange realisation about this last year. i was looking after a friend's dog, a little terrier.

i was holding him in my lap, watching telly. i was thinking how lovely it was to care for something like a dog, to cuddle it, to know when it needs to go out or needs something to eat, or a walk, or whatever. to love and care for this vulnerable and dependent creature. there was something about that that made me feel good inside. i thought a bit about human children then. i thought, idly, that I had once been just as vulnerable and dependent as this little dog.

then it occurred to me: i had once been completely dependent and vulnerable. and instead of caring for me and meeting my needs, there had been people around me who had blatantly used these things for their own reasons.

it was like being knocked over by a lorry.
up until then i had definitely believed, on some level, that i had attracted the abuse with my behaviour and that the abusers could not be blamed entirely. that i had "led them on" somehow. but that was impossible. children can't lead adults anywhere; adults by definition lead children, children have no choices at all.

to everyone reading this, try to think of a child who's at the age you were when it happened. think about how they would feel if someone groomed and then abused them... and try to remember that you were very like that child too once. have compassion for yourself

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/03/2012 00:03

Totu, of course you suspect people who enjoy the presence of children of being abusers. That is your experience.

The fact that you continue to live with your DC's best interests at heart is a testament to your intelligence, love for your DCs and faith in humankind.

You must be so proud of yourself.

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 00:04

Lovely post oik :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 00:10

I have always been on the overprotective side as a parent

Always the last to allow something in my kids group of friends....last to allow a sleepover, last to play out, last to go into town on the bus, last to let themselves in after school (I also have a 16yo)

I see nothing wrong with that. Others will tell me I am over-controlling though (eg. have had a few disagreements on the Teenage section about how much freedom to give) but I don't care. I know where my kids are, and I know what they are doing.

don't beat yourself up for being on that side of the fence

Original poster
CailinDana · 20/03/2012 00:10

I must go to bed. Toria, if you're there I hope you're doing ok. Do keep posting if you feel it'll help. I'll be back on again tomorrow.

Thank you everyone for contributing so far.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 00:12

night cailin, I am off too

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/03/2012 00:15

Oh Callin, I get what you are saying about your parents.
I believe that we can never rid the world of child sexual abuse, all we can do is make it easier for children to report and then respond appropriately.

In my work, the response to abuse has been a pivotal factor in how the child deals with it. Where the child/adult experiences listening, love and understanding, the healing is so much easier. When met with denial and blame, the effects are internalized and multiplied. Reinforcing the abuser's message.Sad

TOTU · 20/03/2012 00:18

I am not proud of the fact I tell my sons to not watch their sister get dressed in the morning.

I am not proud I check on them all playing innocently upstairs because I worry something else may be occuring.

I am proud that I keep this low key and light hearted. "Oh, what are you doing kids?" "Playing BinWeevils...that's nice". And then I go and tidy or clean and pop in again and again.

Is it ok to swear on this thread because at the moment I want to call my brother some awful names!

ToxicToria · 20/03/2012 00:19

Ok night Cailin and AF I will be back and once again thank you to everyone who supported me tonight.

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/03/2012 00:19

Swear away.

PlinkPasta · 20/03/2012 00:22

Thanks for starting this thread.

I was physically abused from the off set and sexually abused at 12 and 14.

Can't post more now but will be back.

I believe you all.

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/03/2012 00:23

This is a safe space.
You can say what you want here.

I will believe you.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 00:24

cross posted with you totu, I did say I was off to bed but you swear away

have a scream at the moon if it helps

redwineandchocolate · 20/03/2012 01:58

I don't think my experiences are as serious as many people's on here, but when I was 10 a cousin felt and squeezed and tweaked my nipples, for what felt like hours as I lay silently, frozen still, watching Mr Bean in bed. Ever since then I get a strange anxious and empty feeling whenever my nipples are touched. It's so odd how a memory can affect you so physically. For years I felt so ashamed by the fact that on some awful level I felt a little bit excited by what he was doing, in a way I still do. He was a teenager but I still feel ashamed and always have.
I can't imagine how much more awful it is for you women who have experienced the levels of sexual abuse described in this thread. You are very strong. Good for you.
NB -I am NOT trying to compare my experience to those of women who were genitally abused or raped. I can only understand to about 1% what people in that situation might feel.

amdowntoearth · 20/03/2012 07:21

Sorry for what you've been through and I think all parents should be vigilant with who they live their kids with even.even if a father can abuse his own children, who shd you trust,this children didn't and dont deserve all the abuse.

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 07:25

My experiences meant my children where left as young children never except with DH it had also happened to him as a youngster most of what happened to me happened whilst my parents where in the house. But they didn't care anyway it was a house of fear.