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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

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ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 20:23

Dotty it's so sad that you have had the courage to speak out and not been believed by some people, I can't imagine how awful that is. I know for me that's one of the main reasons why I haven't told anyone.

ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 20:24

MrsMc you sound like a wonderful friend

Ratbagcatbag · 19/03/2012 20:25

Hi all

I wanted to drop in and say hello, I also have been through it, (and have posted on Mumsnet under different names) my uncle started abusing me when I was three to four and it stopped just before my 13th birthday when I told my parents (which was to stop me getting another beating from my dad) it was never mentioned again. I went to the police when I was 23 and CPS took the case, he pleaded guilty, got 18months and is still enjoying residing on the sex offenders register. The day I went to the police I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders!

If anyone needs to chat I am more than willing to listen, I understand the feeling when it all bubbles up and you need to let it out.

Each of you are strong and brave for even clicking the link to this thread and reading the stories on here.

Big un mumsnet hugs to you

MonsterBookOfTysons · 19/03/2012 20:27

Hi, I was abused by my step father, from the age of 7 til I was 13.
My mum didn't know about it and can never understand why we, my sister and I never told her. I feel like she is accidently disbelieving us due to those comments :(
We took him to court twice other the abuse but he got away with it, now I feel like we can not speak about it as people think as he got not guilty, that he was innocent, that we lied, which obviously we know differently.
I was abused almost daily for 3 years, then he stopped for a while and groped me at 13. I went mad at him and my mum came down the stairs, he told her he had accidently brushed past my breast and I was making a big deal over it.
He was actually laying his very heavy body on me on the sofa with his hand up my bra and t shirt for ages.
It may of started earlier than 7 years old, but that is my first memory of it, I blocked them for many years :(
My mum is not with the man any longer btw.

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 21:18

Toria I get the sense that you would like to talk about what happened to you. Don't feel guilty about it not being "bad enough," as another poster said abuse is abuse and no matter how "bad" or not it can still be devastating.

MrsMcEnroe I appreciate you coming on the thread to lend your support. It does mean a lot.

Please feel free to keep posting, any thoughts, any memories or feelings.

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DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 19/03/2012 21:34

I hope nobody minds me asking this (feel free not to answer) but I am wondering if any of you suffer from nightmares or flashbacks and have you found anything that helps. I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours a night for years. The abuse started 8 years ago and I hoped they would have more or less stopped Sad

boglach · 19/03/2012 21:35

Okay here goes - I have a memory that has been with me always, of my step father helping me to undress after school when I was about 8. Until recently I remembered it as attention seeking because of course I could undress myself at that age. That it was me who wanted him to undress me, to be babied.

I remember that I seemed precocious, that I was flirting with him in some strange way. I accepted this as normal.

Then bam it hit me, it would not be normal for a girl that age to be flirting in that way with a relative. Now flashbacks keep coming I had one in the bath just now and had to get out in panic, of him touching my breasts

I don't know if it is a memory, the part where he touches me although the rest is true. I can remember the room, where we were sitting.

There was other abuse that is definate, verbal and emotional. So why if it is true would there be this one memory. Could I have repressed others? Could it only have happened once?

shaking. this is the first time i have explained this in any detail

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 21:36

Rowbot, Ratbag and Monster thank you for sharing your stories.

For anyone out there wondering how to respond to someone who tells you about abuse, IMO the best thing to do is to say as little as possible, but to let the person know that you are willing to listen to them, no matter what they might have to say. Don't be afraid to ask simple questions like "when did it happen?" as that can help someone open up about it and IMO it makes you feel like the person believes you. Simple things like saying it shouldn't have happened, that you believe them, and that you are willing to talk about it again are all helpful. Try to avoid telling the person what to think and do or how to feel.

Do others agree with this?

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dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 21:39

Yes I always had them but they came back with avengence last year I found nothing can stop them but its not as bad now I was on sleeping tablets then Diazepam as I was going into panic mode when going to bed I'm now taking a herbal remedy that helps me relax enough to fall asleep but still wake some days I'm up by 4am x

ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 21:40

Cailin I guess I have always thought talking about it might help but having never talked about it before I think I am frightened of opening the feelings I have tried for so long to block out, but the fact that I am here probably means I haven't blocked it out at all, sorry for rambling

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 21:43

Yes cailin I do agree, problem I have is I'm great at giving advice but taking it is another should learn to listen to my own advice as I'm terrible for self critism.

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 21:44

Rule number 1 no-one says sorry.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 19/03/2012 21:45

Thankyou dotty, I know what you mean about going into panic mode when going to bed. It's a vicious circle. X

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 21:45

I used to have terrible nightmares Don'tKnow, and if I talk about the abuse out loud I have such strong flashbacks that it's like I go back in time and I'm still being raped. I don't have nightmares any more thank god.

What sort of nightmares and flashbacks do you have?

Boglach it sounds like something has clicked in your mind. It's hard to say how much you might remember. Do you feel like there's more? I know with my abuse that I remember some things quite clearly but there are other things I suspect and vaguely remember. I don't know if more things will come back to me over time.

It's very very hard when you suddenly start getting flooded with images. How are you doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 21:50

I understand that feeling Toria. It took me a long long time to work up to talking about what happened to me.

For me the process was like taking pieces of glass out my flesh - it really hurt at the time, and the pain didn't go away immediately but taking the glass out allowed the wounds to start healing. Some wounds are now scars, others are still healing and some pieces of glass still remain. It's a long process.

OP posts:
ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 22:04

That makes sense Cailin I think its just trying to take that first step. I don't think I could cope if someone didn't believe me or thought it was my fault

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 22:06

We will believe you if you choose to talk about it here, and we would never tell you it was your fault.

If you would rather PM me, please do.

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dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 22:07

Toria Its NEVER the childs fault I went willingly but I was a child for christ sake they are manipulitive clever and devious bastards.

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 22:08

When you are ready you will know

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 22:16

I really liked my abusers at first. They gave me the attention that my parents never bothered to give me. I went willingly with them. That doesn't make it my fault, I was a child who didn't know what was going on.

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dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 22:24

Cailin there's still lots I'm struggling with all the why ifs and maybes but I have a fab counseller unfortunately only have 2 sessions left have almost 5 weeks until my next one really not looking forward to it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 22:34

Dotty - if you want to talk about any of it on here please do.

OP posts:
TOTU · 19/03/2012 22:49

The guilt you feel when you realise (years later) that sometimes you invited or instigated the abuse. I would announce to the whole family I was going upstairs knowing that my brother would follow.

Why in hell did I do that? Why?

Ugh!

ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 22:55

Ok here goes

When I was 12 I met this man from my village who was 28 he started talking to me all the time being there when I was coming home from school he started giving me little presents, teddies, necklaces, bars of chocolates etc I really started to love the attention and all my friends were so jealous. He started inviting me to his house so me and my friend would go and he would give us cigarettes and some alcohol we thought we were so grown up sometimes some of his older friends were there and they would take drugs and tell me they had guns I suppose I was frightened sometimes but we didn't want to show it. One night we were there he arranged for his friends to come but me and my friend decided to leave just after they got there but one of the friend said they would drop my friend off but I wanted to go with her but they were telling me to stay and they would take me home once they had dropped her off so I did but as soon as they were away they all raped me

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 22:56

I think a huge taboo aspect of abuse is the fact that the victims often really like or even love their abusers and to some extent crave and enjoy the attention their abusers give them. I particularly liked one of my abusers, he really listened to me and was very kind when we were in public. I think the reason I went along with some of the abuse was that I was so utterly starved of attention from my parents. They never gave me any affection whatsoever. I mistook the attention my abusers gave me for love and they used my need for affection to take what they wanted.

I wonder if I had been in a normal family would the abusers have targeted me. Probably not, as they would have seen that I had support around me and that the truth would come out. My abusers were protected by the fact that I had no support and no one to care about me.

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