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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 16:52

And they never questioned why you had those injuries??

OP posts:
TOTU · 19/03/2012 16:55

Cailin I have counselling. Some days I don't think about what he did at all. Some days it's on my mind constantly.

I don't think my parents failed me. They were mostly absent in a time when it was acceptable to leave older siblings to look after the younger ones and therefore they didn't realise anything inappropriate was going on. I'm going back 25+ years here.

At the time, I didn't realise it was not the norm for this kind of thing to happen. The abuse I mean, not the parents leaving other siblings in charge.

TOTU · 19/03/2012 16:59

dotty so sorry for what you've been through. I had a cervical erosion too but that was when I was around 17 so I don't think it was related to the abuse.

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 17:02

Oh yes my parents where told it could of been caused by 2 things infection or sexual activity they said I wasn't like that, only found out years later off my sisters but it was retracted when my sisters confronted them about it, police have my records it wasn't recorded that it had been said unfortunately. But even if I'd been asked I wouldn't of known I didn't know I was doing anything wrong he never threatened me or anything I adored him.

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 17:03

Also told in first counselling session it was possibly a miscarriage.

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 17:37

:( That must have been a huge shock to you dotty.

My abuser was a friend of the family. I had an inkling that what he was doing was wrong, but like others, I didn't really have the words to express it. Also, I figured if my mother let him bathe me then it must be ok that he put his fingers in me, mustn't it?

He stepped it up big time later on and his friend joined in. I must have realised at the time it was wrong but my parents had long ago sent me the message that they just wanted a quiet life, didn't want to know if I was upset or worried, so I had no one to tell.

OP posts:
boglach · 19/03/2012 18:01

So awful for both of you Sad

amdowntoearth · 19/03/2012 18:13

am ok CailinDana,it just shocking how this evil abusers get away with it (sad)

ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 18:37

Reading this has really made me realise how common sexual abuse is, I am so saddened by these stories. I don't know how you girls have survived this you must all be very strong, what happened to me was not half as bad as what some of you have been through - I feel guilty now

jasminerice · 19/03/2012 18:49

CD, yes my mother made it very clear to me that she didn't want to know if there was any thing I was sad/worried/upset/anxious about, so I had nobody to go to either.

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 18:51

Toria don't you dare feel guilty abuse is abuse no matter what

liverLadyLass · 19/03/2012 18:57

I'm still very angry about what happened to me,, I've never told my DH everything only knows I was, I want to tho, as I don't have anyone to confide in about it,, I'm scared tho, if I did what the outcome would be, Ive had therapy, guy was nice but I don't feel it did much,,
my sex life is rewind, and I feel guilty for my DH as I feel he's the one who's being punished for it.. (sexless marriage)
he's continuously frustrated, and it's causing problems in our relationship Sad

ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 19:05

Thanks dotty, can I ask what made you go to the police? And had you told anyone else up until then? Please don't feel you need to answer if you don't want to

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 19/03/2012 19:30

Oh I can totally relate to the feeling of guilt. Its creeps up even though we know we have done absolutely nothing wrong.
I truly admire those of you that had the courage to go to the police. Sometimes I still wish I could but it's so complicated and I don't think I could handle it tbh.

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 19:37

It doesn't bother me talking about it now Toria. It was a combination of things his son got married him and his wife lost 2 babies and I worried about future children staying there with him, if he was still at it, was at an uncles funeral and cornered my aunt to find out what she knew as a comment had been made at my aunts funeral a few months earlier her my uncle and other aunt told me I needed to get it sorted once and for all as they where sick of seeing me living on my nerves, on the way home I was stuck in a traffic jam for 3 hours on the M6 and its all I thought about went the next day to report it. Earlier in the year my DS who is Autistic was put on medication which meant we where living a relatively normal life and as a consequence I knew I would be able to deal with it but wasn't prepared for the fact it would destroy me.

I told my parents the night I realised what had happened at 16 I was slapped across the face and called all the liars under the sun a few months later I told one sister who I didn't think would believe me but she said it happened to her as well in fact it was all 3 of us he did it to he's 12 years older than me but closer in age to them. Dr's have known as well was documented in my notes tried counselling between 16-23 but I never once opened up didn't like the male CPN later on when my son was young he told me in not so many words it was my fault my son had difficulties as my girls where fine he was only diagnosed last month he's 17.

The dr I have is amazing she has gone over and beyond to help me in it all getting records together that they didn't even ask for.

liverLadyLass · 19/03/2012 19:39

me neither, for me it's the feeling of everyone knowing and it'll be real I suppose, I recently went home for a funeral as my cousin was killed in afghan and he was there, I was like a little girl lost and frightened again..

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 19:43

I didn't think it would affect me I was bloody naive thought I could walk in walk out and get on with my life very nearly had a breakdown.

When local DC came to catch up after visiting my mother and other brother she was visibly stunned and sympathetic that I thought that as I said it had never affected me but everyone tells me its affected my entire life and that I am now a nicer calmer person.

ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 19:46

Don'tknow my guilt varies between lots of different things but it's always there. I truly admire the people who have spoke out.

liverLadyLass · 19/03/2012 19:52

I don't think I'm as strong as you dotty, I admire you.. x

jasminerice · 19/03/2012 19:52

Dotty I thought my abuse hadn't affected me. Now I realise it has affected every single aspect and facet of me and my life and my relationships.

ToxicToria · 19/03/2012 19:58

Dotty that's awful I'm so sorry your family didn't believe you when you first spoke out, I am glad you are finally getting the support you deserve x

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 20:08

Oh my mother still doesn't and we received phone calls including silent ones and a letter off my brother basically telling us to get to fuck screwed with my head i'm far from strong over it, its easy to write.

MrsMcEnroe · 19/03/2012 20:13

Ladies, I would like to butt in here if I may, and to reassure anyone who has suffered abuse that if I knew you in RL, and you chose to confide in me, I would be extremely sympathetic and willing to listen to you for as long as you needed me to. I think it absolutely shocking that you have had such negative reactions when you have tried to bring it up with friends and acquaintances. It is such a brave thing to "admit" (I know, I know, the irony of that word - it just gives credence to everything you've already said in the thread so far which is not my intention at all) and the last thing you deserve is for people to put their own feelings of shock/discomfort before yours.

I am truly sorry that you have found it so hard to speak to RL acquaintances after undergoing such horrible experiences early on in your lives.

Sorry for the hijack xxx

Rowbot · 19/03/2012 20:17

I was abused at primary school about 25yrs ago by a male teacher, I have told my DH and only told my mum a couple of years ago. But neither new what to say really, it was a shock to both. I did go and see a counsellor for a while after telling my mum, which helped - I'd been TTC for several years and definitely think the abuse acted like a mental block.

I've never been to the police and really admire the courage and strength of those who have.

I now fear for my DD as she grows up, how can I protect her, but don't want to be an OTT over-protective mum...

Rowbot · 19/03/2012 20:21

Actually just seeing "25 years" in black and white is very odd, like there's a part of me that's stuck back at that time Sad

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