Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Dontknow my DD2 is 16 the age you where she is little more than a child as you where no-one could of stopped it but the perpetrators NOT you. Personally speaking if you haven't already you really need to see about some counselling as it is obviously affecting you really badly. Take care of yourself xx

Hope its ok to join you all. I was posting on another thread occasionally but i don't seem to fit so i'm really glad this was started. I started to read through the posts but there are so many. Hope everyone is coping ok.
My earliest memories of abuse are aged 4 ish and it stopped when i was 19. This was all by my father and i had to leave my horses and move away to get away from him. The final rapes are the ones that sit the least comfortably with me due to my age but I threw everything i could find at him, kicked, punched, spat, clawed and still i couldn't get him off me. The psychological affect of that has meant i am yet to have a happy relationship with a man and am nearly 32.
I was also abused by a ring that was connected to the prison my father worked for. He removed me from my bed late at night, put me and my sister in the boot of the car and drove us to a spot where men would take it in turns to abuse different young girls in the cars. We were often drugged so memories are hazy. I have some memories of being in a prison cell with a group of men too but i keep pushing those memories back.
My mother knew but pretended not to see or hear anything. They also tried to kill me twice by drowning me in the sea.
The thing that hurts the most is that the police are covering it up. They burnt my statements and lied about investigating.
I am much more ok now than i have been but sometimes i wish people knew everything i've been through so they can see how well i'm doing. I'm proud of myself but am judged by other people. I often think about suicide but couldn't leave my sons. I blocked everything out for a few years and find the memories come back at the worst times. I became a single mum 5 weeks ago, have a 7 month old who doesn't sleep well, a 4 yr old who is very demanding and I need to find us a new home asap, now is not the time for flashbacks etc but it seems they are coming anyway.
Sorry this is so long

NHAN, I am simply a lurker on this thread, but I wanted to say I am so sorry you experienced some utterly awful abuse

I can see how you are doing, and I don't even know you

I believe you, and I hope one day you don't have to feel as low as you do x

NHAN I remember you from the other thread stressful situations will unfortunately bring all these memories back I'm so sorry for what happened to you x

Thanks AnyFucker. Love the name by the way, just the fact you're using it really. I'm often told i swear too much but it means nothing to me. I wonder if thats due to abuse, its hard to be offended by an innocent little word.
One day I plan to help others who have been abused. I'm already qualified as a counsellor but need to help the little terrified girl trapped inside me first.

"AnyFucker" means I could be just that, as could we all

It's why anonymous people showing sympathy to others, is quite a powerful thing

Thanks Dotty, yes stress seems to give the child part of me a chance to come out and then she starts making me see everything i don't want to see. I know that sounds nuts but i can now see when the different parts of me take over and i have battles with myself in my head. I'm hoping this is a good sign, either that or i'm finally losing my mind for good :O

AF its easier to talk to strangers without a face about this though even if I'm judged for what happened I can't see it.

The last 6 months have been sheer hell for me NHAN I'm ok in my comfort zone ie at home or in the car as soon as I'm out and about I go to pieces. Just want to be 'normal' again but have been told it will take quite some time for the healing process.

I haven't judged anybody here, just feel so much sadness and anger that people, as children weren't protected.

Glad you could join NHAN. so sorry you are going through this, it may seem hopeless but it can get better.

I have searched this about coping with flashbacks, flashbacks

dotty, no-one is judging you here, although I am not denying it has happened to you in RL

AF I judge myself though always have. As I am so ashamed of everything, even at my age.

Dotty I think all abuse survivors feel judged, it's the worst part.

Anyfucker, yes, in RL if an abuser can, they will try to discredit the victim.

Nhan, would womens aid be able to help? I was in a similar but less serious situation and was terrified, still am tbh.

dotty, I can't tell you how you should feel, no-one can

but I don't think you should feel shame, nor judge yourself

Plinkpasta thanks, i am in touch with womens aid now so will see what they can do. The trouble is I (apparently) appear confident, outgoing and perfectly capable on the outside so i find it hard to get help with anything. Even when i've fallen apart in front of people they just say i'm lying. Hopefully people/services are listening now though.

Dotty, is there any part of you that doesn't feel shame and judge yourself? There is still a part of me that feels things were my fault or i could've stopped them, but that part has got much smaller the more i've dealt with things.

I can't think straight let alone type. Waiting on out of hours doctor to phone back about my son. It's 3.40am and he hasn't slept yet. zzzzzz

I hope you eventually got some sleep NHAN. I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I am always amazed by just how much the human mind can endure - the fact that you survived that horrific abuse and have now gone on to qualify as a counsellor and care for two sons is inspirational.

I think the element of shame will always be there, unfortunately and certainly as long as abuse is hushed up and it's only something you can talk about with "professionals" or anonymously on the internet.

NHAN I hope everything is ok with your son and that you managed to get some sleep (eventually).

The abuse you had to endure is awful.

I think to an extent we all feel shame and judge ourselves. I certainly do anyway. I spent half an hour talking to a neighbour yesterday and today I'm over-analysing even that! Did I take up too much of her time? Did I say anything I shouldn't have? She said she would have talked to me sooner but noticed I walk with my head down, so when she passed me in the street previously, she didn't feel she could talk to me.

I also do still judge myself for the abuse even though I know it was not my fault and my behaviour was typical for someone being abused.

Cailin - Good morning.

It's a lovely sunny day. That makes me happy.

Morning terrible night despite taking something to help me sleep DS is never good on a monday morning taakes until a tuesday for his agression to calm down aa bit. I woke up with a lovely stye never usually get them but last few months have had loads and to top it all have another episode of IBS my stomach is in bits thought it had gone away not had an episode since October which is rare. But at least its another glorious day.

dotty. Morning. Maybe you are run-down a little? I have IBS as well.

I hope you feel better soon.

Am sorry, not enough time to read posts today, but just wanted to share a book that I've just ordered that you might find helpful. The link is here www.jasmincori.com/content/emotionally-absent-mother. It's called The Emotionally Absent Mother.

PS. the author's name is just a coincidence, no connection with me.

Good morning TOTU :) It's a gorgeous day here too. I've just been out with DS and he's fast asleep now so just having a chill before the afternoon onslaught!

Sorry to hear you didn't have a good night dotty. It does sound like you're run down (understandably). Do you take any supplements? What's happening with your son?

That looks like an interesting book Jasmine, I may order it.

Cailin he's Autistic mondays seem worse ATM before he was medicated it was constant which wasn't good as he towers over me.

I don?t think we have ever thought about getting help to deal with what dad did. We just left home and got on with our lives. We were too stressed and too stupid to stay on at school so at 16 we went to the local college at 16 to do vocational courses. Once I had finished the 2 year course we sorted out running away. We spent ages planning it and when they went away for the day we left with two cases and all the money in the house. This was enough to get a long way from them and the rent for a small bed-sit where we lived for 18 months. We lived from bar work and waitressing until we could get proper jobs. We coped OK. There didn?t seem any point in asking for medical help since we knew what had happened and how we felt about it and didn?t want to talk about it to strangers. We never told boyfriends or husbands about the abuse, we thought it wouldn?t undo anything and it would just upset them. It has been difficult with no contact with parents and other family. I bet with Facebook and the rest they know where we are but we never hear from them. We do wonder how they explained where we had suddenly gone to. One day there, the next day not. Our dad must wonder if one day the police will come knocking on his door. We said in the note we left that if he ever upset us again we would go the police so he must have believed us. I think the other people on this thread have had a much worse time than us.

My counsellor told me that what matters is not what happened, but the effect it had on you and how it made you feel. We have all suffered. The various factual details are different. But we all were emotionally and often physically damaged and abused and I don't think anyone should feel their suffering was any more or less than another's just because the facts are different in each case.