Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Hope you are ok dontknow

I am ok thankyou, just cut myself badly and needed a few stitches. Thankyou for asking x

Good evening everyone,
sorry you've had a bad day don'tknow, are you ok?

Had a better day today, managed barely to look 'normal' around my family. Felt like my dm would know that I spent all day yesterday sobbing, and that she would confront me about it. I'm scared she's going to make me tell her about it and I know she won't want to deal with it once she hears about it all and would dissmiss/ ignore it all. I think that would be too much to handle, I think i would just die.

What's happening Dontknow?

Do you self harm don'tknow, or was it an accident? Sorry if the question offends, it's just that I self harmed when I was younger. stopped for years and have recently started fantasising about it again

I'm ok, it's just a sort of release. I know that I need help for my 'issues' but I'm scared to ask for it.
I have self harmed for 6 years now ( the last time it happened) I want to stop but I can't. Sorry I'm not making a whole lot of sense, I'm just struggling right now. Ignore me please x

No-ones going to ignore you Dontknow all these things self-harm eating 'issues' etc are all about being in control as you weren't in control as a child.

You don't have to make sense Dontknow, just post if you feel up to it.

Big hugs to you dontknow. Sometimes it helps, don't try to force youself to stop if it still serves a purpose. Sorry if it sounds like crazy advice,I just think that if you try to stop something when you're not ready it can lead to a really damaging sense of failure.

I was 16 I could have stopped it. Drugs, bloody drugs! Was it worth it for them?! I should have stopped it. Its too much just too much

It is too much, you're right. It's more than a person should have to deal with on their own. Please keep talking if you can Dontknow, you're not on your own.

16 is still very young not much more than a child you where the victim don't blame yourself, put it this way if you had a 16 year old daughter and something like that had happened to her would you of said well you shouldn't of let it happen. I'm sure you wouldn't.

I'm struggling with something that I could do with some opinion on. My sister was 4 years older than me and I can remember "inappropriate" touching. I was probably about 8 or so. When an adult, she later chose a path which meant she came out as a lesbian. She is no longer here as she died but at some point during her training phase as a counsellor, she mentioned that it was all "perfectly normal". It was as if she felt guilty over it and the issue had been discussed at her supervisory sessions and she was advised to discuss it with me. I think she absolved herself at that point but I have wondered whether this constituted sexual abuse. She was little more than a child herself. Trouble is, I feel that she took advantage of her younger sister. I loved her dearly; I miss her presence in my life dreadfully but was it really all perfectly normal? I've never had a successful relationship mainly because of my self esteem issues, which I wonder stem from this.
Yes, I've name changed. I cannot afford for this to be associated with me in real life. She's dead, there is no point dragging this all through the family.

Don'tknow, I'm here for you, I'm listening, I've tried harming myself too, I now put an elastic band on my wrist and ping it.

Pixie, sorry you are having a bad time, letting the tears out is healthy and healing.

I wish I could be there to comfort everyone.

Don'tknow, keep safe please x

Thankyou everyone for the kind messages. I think I should take a slight break from this thread. I do not want to upset anyone by posting what's going through me head. Stay well everyone x

Thank you for posting anewday. How do you feel about what happened with your sister? Do you remember it as something annoying that your sister did or as something that frightened you? All that matters really is your take on it. It doesn't matter whether it is "normal" or not - it's "normal" for sisters to take the piss out of each other but my sister was so cruel with it that it ruined our relationship. The level at which my sister used to annoy me was abusive - she did it deliberately, and it made my life a misery. She might claim that it was "normal" and that I'm overreacting but that makes no difference to me, it still made me miserable regardless.

How are you doing DontKnow?

anewday, if you feel you need to find YOUR answer, you can without any need to involve your family.

I agree she was probably trying to justify to herself, the abuse she did to you. Are you ok? napac and havoca are good websites for info.

Don'tknow, have you someone in rl to call if you need, do you have a plan? can you keep talking to someone, call someone?

Don'tknow, you can talk to me. PM if you'd prefer. Tell me what's going through your head. Get it out of your head so it can't torture and hurt you any more. And when you were 16, if you could have stopped it, you would have.

Hi Cailin, she always had a lot of influence over me. I don't know how I feel about it. Increasingly as I get older, I feel it was very wrong of her to do that to me. It obviously played on her conscience but she never ever took responsibility for anything. Always blamed others. Including her own kids when she took such a big decision that it effected their lives. They were bulied beyond belief at school for their mum being a lesbian but all she said was that she had "empowered" them to deal with it. The fact that they couldn't, wasn't a problem for her. I hate myself for even raising this as she is dead but I'm searching for why I have such issues with myself. My self harm is eating and this has escalated recently and weight is piling on. I've booked some counselling for this week and I think I am just frightened that I may have to raise this. Never told a soul about it, ever. This is not bad on the abuse scale so I feel a bit indulgent raising it in the first place. So sorry for all of you that have been through abuse.

anewday any form of inappropriate touching can be classed as abuse if she was 4 years older that would of made her 12 so old enough to know better.

Thankyou all again x I don't even know where to start. Do I start?! I can see them, always see them. The rope, the cuts, 16 years old, not a child I should have stopped it. We could have. Tied up, beaten I can feel the swollen eyes

Don'tknow, were they helpful at a+e? I'm useless at giving advice, are you ok?

Anewday, it is affecting you, it is serious, I am really crap at helping but I am listening, my abusers never accept responsibility either, it's how they keep thier power over you, I've found things easier once I started talking.

Don'tknow, it's ok, let it out a bit at a time if needed, I'm here listening to you, hand holding.

I'm glad you're talking Dontknow. How could you have stopped it?

Why are you frightened of raising what happened with your sister anewday?

Don'tknow, no one could have stopped that. What utter bastards.