Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

I had no help when I had my breakdown and ended up walking away from everything, I was a mess and couldn't cope with anything, I left such a mess. I feel guilty on one hand that I caused so many people problems but angry that no one helped when I was begging for someone to help.

Now I'm around people who are supportive and understanding and don't care that I'm the things the last lot hated about me. If I had moved I would have done something stupid.

I'm glad I'm away from those people.

Hadn't moved, argh.

God I was so ill and all I got was hatred. Most of it centered around me being a lone parent and being ridiculed for being mentally ill.

Thats also how I found mumsnet as someone said "god you're one of those gobby mumsnetters aren't you, drunk all the wine yet". It stuck in my head because I thought it was so bizarre. I did get confused and ended up on netmums for a bit though. Never meant to post here.

Plink, I'm glad you've managed to get away from the people who were dragging you down. Getting away from my family was the best thing I ever did.

Dotty and Plink I can relate to that. Some nights, prior my breakdown, I was just pacing the floor and trying to find out where the "Teletubbies" theme tune was coming from. It wasn't coming from anywhere, it was in my head. This makes me sound nuts but it was so real at the time. I'm glad I am no longer in that place. It was exhausting.

Mousey sorry to hear you have been abused too. Blacking out what has happened is very common. A great deal of us do not remember details. If you would like to post more, please do. I always had an uncomfortable feeling with my Stepdad, especially when he'd had a drink.

Plink I'm a lone parent too as you may have read. I dislike being described as mentally ill, but I was. Due to a lot of other issues as well, not just the abuse, I kept everyone at bay, told them I was coping, then attempted suicide.

However. The good bit is I did eventually have a short session of counselling and she listened. I did get better. I did have to be on anti-ds for years but now I'm not.

I don't think I'll ever get over the bitterness towards my brother. It's just no do-able. I will always hate him for what he did. Always.

I think the concept of forgiveness where abuse is concerned is a difficult one. One friend harped on and on at me about forgiving my abusers, about how it would make me feel better. The way I see it, I can't forgive someone who doesn't even care that they've hurt me, never mind that they're sorry for it. I think "forgiving" them puts me in a powerless position once again - I am the one having to give up my rightful anger to people who couldn't give a shit. I'm not sure my abusers would even remember me.

If my abusers came and begged forgiveness and showed real remorse I'm not sure how I'd feel.

The people who should really apologise are my parents. They had a duty towards me that they just didn't fulfil. I am very angry at them, and again, I can't forgive them because they wouldn't see that they've done anything wrong.

Cailin interesting post (once again) and it goes to show how each and every persons story is different. My parents didn't fail me but you are entirely justified in your anger. If your parents apologised, would that make you feel better? What would it achieve?

The way I see it, abuse is something that happened to people at various levels and it's awful. Really awful. It leaves you with a scar that will never heal but we can learn not to pick at it.

If my brother asked for my forgiveness, I would not say yes. Apparently he's a born-again Christian, lives in a different country, cares for a disabled wife (which kind of tugs at my heartstrings a bit as I have 2 disabled children).

I'm kinda waffling and trying so hard not to upset any posters on here.

I think it's ok to write whatever is in your head TOTU. Yes it might upset others but only because they relate to it or worry about your pain which is not really a bad thing. This I think should be the one place where you can say what you really think without having to shield people all the time.

If my parents came to me and said "Cailin we think we failed you. We are very sorry for not being more loving when you were a child and for dismissing you when you talked about the abuse and your depression," then I think that would help me, a lot. Much as I might deny it, I crave my parents' love and attention. I have managed to distance myself from them a lot but I can't pretend that that child isn't still there waiting quietly for recognition.

Totu, I heard my name being whispered. I was thoroughly convinced it was coming from my phone, then I started believing I was getting orders from the tv. I sat infront of a pysch, on the floor, rocking backwards and forwards, pulling my hair out, telling them I was being controlled by the tv. They said I was fine! So glad your still here Totu x

Cailin, forgiveness doesn't even register with me, everything you said is spot on, they'd probably also get a kick out of knowing they'd been

(damn phone) They'd get a kick out of knowing they'd hurt you.

I also think it would be unsafe and put you in a vulnerable position. Recognising someone is a danger to you and getting the hell away from them is a lot healthier, forgiving them just lets the abuser get away with. If you get what I mean?

I agree Plink. One of my abusers was a condescending bastard, he believed that he knew everything and everyone else was stupid. I could just see him sneering down his nose at me, thinking "I have nothing to be forgiven for!" I honestly don't think it would ever enter his mind that he did anything wrong. He was very matter of fact about everything he did to me. Honestly, I think to him I wasn't even a person.

Cailin its funny because I told my parents I could forgive but not forget at 17 but how the hell can I the actual physical damage was bad enough without the pyschological on top. I had a huge bust up when pregnant with DD2 with dad over it and his first words where not that old chestnut again and told me it obviously had never affected me had serious gynae problems until I was 30 when I had a hysterectomy something I fought for for 5 years after DD2 was born. Yet I kept going back to my parents thinking they'd change.

I am in a different position regarding forgiveness as all my family, including my abuser is dead. I have no living relatives at all. I do forgive them as I think my mother and grandmother were abused by the same man. The man himself had a very low IQ and was not responsible for his actions. So really it was the great grandparents who were to blame by not ensuring he was fucking castrated securely kept. But who knows what their background was? The keeping me in isolation was a defence mechanism. The emotional abuse I find harder to forgive than the sexual abuse. My mother could have terminated the pregnancy or had me adopted at birth and this was a big error on her part for not doing so.

I think it is a LOT easier to forgive someone that is not alive and who also suffered terribly. Could I forgive someone alive that would not acknowledge the pain they caused me? I am not sure. And of course when you are happy and in a good place in your life it is a lot easier to forgive. I don't think forgiveness is necessary or the right thing for everyone. It was the right thing for me and helped me to move on and not think about what happened to me all of the time, although obviously I live a very weird life and that is part of me every second of every day.

What a horrendous thing for your father to say dotty! Are you in contact with your parents at all these days? (sorry if you've answered this before, my memory is shocking).

Since becoming a mother myself I am finding it harder and harder to understand my own parents. I love my DS so much, I just can't imagine how a parent could be so oblivious. All I can conclude is that they never really loved me, not in the way a parent should love a child. They looked after me, they fulfilled their basic duties, but only in the way that a foster carer or boarding school house parent might. I do wonder what it's like to actually have real parents.

Cailin he died 7/04/06 but I cut contact with my mother for the final time at the end of last year or rather she did with me I told her 3 days after my interview to stop talking about him as that was one of the issues I was dealing with she was shocked at that revelation I've spoken to her twice since then. I honestly thought she was under his thumb but she's proved otherwise sister had a huge bust up with her on the phone when she phoned to find out how she was and she asked about her other 2 daughters well they haven't phoned me was her attitude funny because if I didn't go to see her or phone at least every 2 or 3 weeks she used to phone me. I lost so much in the last 6 months. She used to go on at least once a year about oh you'll have a breakdown if your not carefull well he was the cause and I came within a whisker of it in November if I'd not gone the dr when I did on advice of my counseller I would of been admitted to psych ward.

also agree that I would love nothing more than my mum, giving me a hug and a kiss and saying sorry. But I think she uses that need to drag me in then stick the knife in again and give it a little twist.

I'm doing inner child therapy and being mum to my own inner child. I use self hypnosis and the first session my inner child ran up to me, threw herself at me and we both sobbed and cried together.

SinnedAlive, I agree with that concept of forgiving and feel that about my dead abuser, I can't for the ones still alive as the next generation is suffering. My sibling physically abused me and has gone on to put her children in danger, by acknowledging her abuse I kept my DS safe and helped ss remove her children. They suffered by her leaving them with a peado, I feel guilty for not protecting them from that and so do ss. They are removed now and safe and I'll go against my family to keep them safe.

Dotty, I think the mental stuff goes on a lot longer because of the abuse history as well. My hysterectomy was done for different reasons (aged 35), but I still find it hard to come to terms with. People say I should be grateful I don't have to cope with periods anymore.

I could not ever tell my Mum what happened. It's interesting to me that she had 7 children and out of all 7, she had to take my brother (the abuser) to a Child Psychologist. I am not saying ALL abusers have Mental Health issues. It's just interesting to me that in the 70's, she had to seek out help for him that was rarely available at that time.

I looked at one of my sisters book shelves and she has all the books on there about abuse. I'm pretty sure he did it to her too. My other sister denied it when asked.

Cailin I kind of understand what you are saying. I crave my Mum's approval - anything from a change in my haircut to losing weight. She never has a good word to say. I keep telling myself to stop seeking her approval.

Plink thanks. I'm glad to hear I wasn't the only one that went a bit off the scale. It was so real. That's what scares me. I never want to be back in that place. And I won't be, because I am stronger now. (This is me doing positive thinking )

Right. I'm off to do shopping/washing, etc. I hope you all have a good afternoon. I'm so glad to get some of my thoughts off my chest. It's helped.

Thank you

I am glad you can forgive the dead one plink There is also I think a big difference between forgiving and forgetting. I may forgive, but not forgetting means I may go after the bastards with everything I have. Preferrably locked up in prison with hard men that know what they have done and kick the shit out of them 10 times a day. Not revenge - just common sense that they should be not free and hurting others.

I agree that the healthy thing to do is to recognise the people who are a danger to you and get the hell away from them. Forgiveness doesn't even come into it for me.

CD, I can identify with you so much. How could my father have been so abusive and my mother so neglectful towards a little child. I look at my DC's and just don't understand. The only possible explanation is that my parents were both extremely mentally damaged themselves and also completely lacked any capacity for self reflection. It doesn't make the pain any less to bear, but it does slowly dissipate my anger as I start to see how they did the best they could. It's just that their best was not good enough, in fact it was woefully inadequate.

What does still make me very angry though is their continued arrogance and complacency about their parenting. That they think they were brilliant parents and I'm simply an ungrateful, horrid child.

Not only can I not forgive my abuser but I cannot forgive my mother as I told her about this, she denied it ever happened and she still expects me to be part of his life. I rarely see him but am unable to cut him out without telling the whole family. I feel like I cant because I dont know if I will be believed. He is 86 now and has suffered 3 heart attacks last year. I know this sounds horrible but I had hoped he would be dead by my wedding so I wouldnt have to see him on the most special day of my life but it looks like thats not going to happen. :(

Mousey no it doesn't sound horrible and if I was you he wouldn't be going to my wedding, I only found out the reason my sister never came to mine years afterwards it was because she thought he was going to be there. I also found out just after I got married that my parents had invited him the only reason he didn't come thankfully was his children weren't on the invite.

Mousey, I wouldn't him at my wedding either.

Skinned, is it more that you actually forgive yourself though? forgiving yourself for being the innocent child you were at the mercy of those who should have protected you.

Totu, through good therapy I realised that I was having severe flashbacks, seeing and hearing the abuser is natural. Learning about PTSD has really helped and I'm not so scared of the flashbacks, believing it was the tv was the only way my brain could rationalise it before.

I am going to apoligise as I have not read the last couple of pages. I have just got back from a & e. Having a really bad time at the moment, hope you are all well x

Dontknow are you ok?